I find that I'm always a jealous person......I grew up never being as good as anyone in anything, I have ever done in my whole life...and I'm too afraid to lose my place in life, a place I barely have to begin with, therefore I shun others away from being better people.
I can draw/paint...
but I want to go further, and I feel like that goal comes shorter everytime I understand the realities of today's world: competition, and the reality that no matter your skills, as long as you arent an attractively social or outgoing person, no one wants you. NO one.
A less-skilled practiioner in any field wins because they have a personality that requires no effort to understand. They are easy--easy to employ, easy everything. A.D.D notions drive
.and everything I finally felt good about myself, someting or someone showed up, like a slap in my face---showing me that Im not even as decent or fair at what I think I am---that I stil cant pass a test, I still cant be a professional artist, I still cant make in the world....always something reminding me how small and useless I am.
I feel that, when people tel me "focus on myself", it's their way of saying "you can't handle real life, you are handicapped"....so than, I Start to feel angry, resentful, and jealous to other people-in general. They all say this while they are in the middle of living great, happy lives.....basically since things are going so well for them, they dot really care anymore about what affects other people, as long as THEY are good....
They don't care about your relationship problems, don't care about your personal battles, and do care if you get in their way---do care if your indecisiveness slows them down.
My problem is whenever I try to accept myself, I feel like Im accepting to degrade myself, and block of the idea of being something greater....that I'm just another failure, and accepting myself is an excuse for being one.
I feel like I'm locking myself in a isolated room away from society, away from people, yet, right admist them. Feeling laughed at, feeling alone, and most of all, feeling like I'm incapable of having a "normal" life. I cant live without accepting how pathetic I am, how my "assets" never got me ANYwhere....I have no important features--I have no business skills, my brain muddles math up, can't handle pressure, and has anxiety attacks...I Feel like I'm "special"....there are special places for me, places called "miss out on life because you are too pathetic to fit in...so you get to take "baby steps" in "real world".....
It makes me just want to die sometimes......
I cannot seem to tackle my jealousy properly...and I have sibling rivralry issues because my younger sibling is getting a reputation for his drawing skills, and somehow while being a real brat, is starting to have way better school grades than I ever did----------I feel like I don't exist-and never will. I feel accepting myself is becoming nothingness.
Can I handle a relationship with a man because of this? NO...I cannot.
I have never even had a "relationship" yet....Im picky--before this pickiness, I was treated like garbage or ignored (and now that Im apparently an adult, Im suddenly stared at by lustful males who can't get anything else in their lives--so they stare at insecure girls) , so I haven't the experience of being in this...but when I think about the scenario in my mind, it all plays out into paranoia, distrust, and fear of his lies. I have a massive trust problem---most of it childhood bully victim experiences and false friends---and having divorced parents.
I hate it when other girls talk to a guy I'm (really) interested in...hate it....with a deep-rooted passion.
SOmetimes I'll try to ignore it, and remember that this guy is too popular for me---and chasing girls off isnt worth it.
Other girls make it their objective to steal things, make women jealous, and win the battle over some guy......I dont care about fighting the battle, I usually do all the surrendering in most cases in my life(not like I was capable of winning), but I'll always feel the jealousy deep down---watching people go far, and step on me in order to avoid chaos. I feel deep down, I AM chaos----and feel more spite, desperation, and jealous the more I miss out on life through a life-destroying anxiety disorder, making me feel handicapped in life situations that others walk through unharmed.
I'm somewhat christian----meaning I believe in God/Jesus, awhile having contrasting ideas.....but most of all, I cannot wrap my emotions around the overall meaning of "love one another".
My jealousy is so impotent at times, I wonder if I'm even deemed savable.
I snap when I feel threatened-I'm really defensive because I fear being taken over by others. I know I appear weak to o ther people, most of all because Im a really quiet person, and I have social anxiety----so Im a small person in everyone's eye....giving me reason to become paranoid and defensive---and also leading to further jealousy about being "special/ unable to adapt to the real world".
Ive been used in the past several times by "friends" in my childhood, so it goes to say that some of this isnt even my fault......but now, that Im technically an adult, I am stuck dealing with these problems.
My jealous goes far enough to extend in controlling what I share with other people. I hate letting others hae too much of something that I feel is exclusive within my personal life, to myself. I like having that edge over someone else...the feeling that I have something they don't, that I know something they don't,and that if they gain access to my supplier of such physical or non physical "edge", I feel like, once again, I have nothing.
I even try to hide self-help articles, I hide ways for others to improve themselves.....to better m further, to make me feel useless, and that they will only be better, even smarter, and more advantaged in life than me!
I feel jealous, and I dislike it when average people who are ignorant in the introvert ways, who also are already good at life, and take advantage of anything, also take advantage of something I feel close to. I feel they shoudldnt be capable of understanding, or utilizing someting Ive come to draw to when I feel alienated---and these people leave me with nothing!!
I just want something to call my own, a philosophy they cannot understand, and a safe place to think, without them taking it for themselves.......
I feel threatened----and my jealousy reacts to protect what little I have----
I'm afraid on not existing as an individual, and becoming lost.
I feel I could go mad with jealousy. I also feel ashamed and embarrased---but its an unending cycle.
I'm so jealous, I try to scare others away from God so I can be close to him first---the last thing I need, is people that I dislike, telling ME what a terrible person I am by becoming moral. I want others to stay immoral so I have a redeeming life by having a place in my mind that they cannot discover.
I wish there was other ways to go about this.....but I just can't take it anymore.
I have no lasting motivation, I'm always feeling degraded by other's acheivements that throw mine dow because they put me in the rejected list---I can't ignore what others have ,because it affects what I don't have based on their desired traits I don't have in workplaces (I lose jobs to others very easily), friendships, etc.
I don't understand how and why I have friends. I don't understand why people appreciate me sometimes......even if I go out of my way to make friends--go out of my way to feel liked.
But I still don't know why anyone likes me....I feel like they pity me. I feel like I don't have many real friends...I feel like, most people in my life are liars.
My ideas always contradict most other people's, I seem bizarre, and I'm awkward.
Sometimes I wish people just made fun of me and got it over with....I'm used to finding out out that way........why can't people just treat me like I was before.
I also am now afraid of marriage and commitment. I am too young in my eyes to be married.....but being in a "serious relationship" blinds many young people into marriage when they aren't ready---I fear myself-and I fear the guy who will think we should be committed.
I can't even trust myself sometimes so much that I'm easily convinced about the possibility that I can screw something up and only be half awake---mostly in task-related situations where my mind is bogged.
I have bad mental blocks as if I really do have a learning disability--and it makes me so mad....I'm missing out as ayoung person who could be in university studying....except my mental blocks are too serious to even attempt college again, less I drop out once more and pay more loans back without a degree.
I think I need serious help.