At eighteen, i'm a six-year bulimia veteran.
For all the progress I've made throughout this journey, sometimes i can't help feeling i'm twelve years old again.
Hideous, hopeless, helpless.
Damaged. Tired.
I could entertain myself for hours by spitting out these adjectives like vomit all over this forum, and feel them burn like acid through my esophagus, through the enamel of my teeth, spilling everything inside me until my eyes water and my throat stings and my every muscle aches and flutters...
And you know what?
Nothing would change.
Deep down we all know two things: binging can't fill the emptiness, and purging can't expel the infection.
It's a terrifying thought that some day pretty fucking soon i will have to grow up--REALLY grow up--and start facing my problems, start dealing with them, rather than sticking my head down the toilet hoping to find comfort or some kind of explanation somewhere a bit further down. If there was anything there i think i would have found it by now.
I don't even know if i'm capable of getting better. I've forgotten any other way to live. I know it will be the hardest thing i've ever done. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wiping my mouth and flushing and walking back out into a world where nothing has changed but the bitter taste left in my mouth.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't know what it's like to be bulimic, so I won't try and say I understand. I just want you to know that you are very well spoken and describe your feelings well. You describe your thoughts with a lot of anger.
I lost my brother to schizophrenia a year ago and my mom was diagnosed with 3rd stage cancer and I felt pretty empty. I just pray, pray, pray... I pray for faith, strength and direction. It does make me feel better, but I have my moments.
Sometimes I just stop myself from feeling bad and just start thanking god for every little thing good in my life, sight, hearing, hands, job, bed and my mom and dad.
I wish there was something that I can say to make you feel better, but what I can do is tell you that life gets better no matter what. There is always a turning point and you will get there. I'll keep you in my prayers!!!
,
I know how you feel. Some days I wake up feel like I can overcome this, then later on in the day it is all I can think about until I binge and purge. Then afterwards I feel regret and guilt for doing it and have convinced myself a million times that the next day I won't do it...but then I do. This is a horrible vicious cycle and I hate it too. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to reach out to me.
Thank you so much. Yesterday I was searching for support groups in my area, but there wasn’t a single thing. There was an add for this site, though, and I joined on a whim. It’s been so long since I’ve talked to anyone.
Hey Iris and Faith,
Just wondering if you are seeking therapy for your ED? I too have gone through stages of bulimia, i am now on BED, which I am trying to work through. I have only started therapy, but I have to say it is absolutely fantastic and is doing me wonders. It does take work but it makes you start to feel instead of getting into this emotional habit of regretful eating. I have struggled with these EDs for about the past 15 years of my life, and I am now 27. If you are not seeking therapy I would say absolutely please do so and don't waste the time I did, by pretending I could do it alone.
And Hyvnlyflwr,
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. And I am absolutely blown away by your strength. i think that is so inspiring, I also find prayer a good and safe place to think out worries. I can't imagine how both of those things affected you, as I have not experineced them, but the way you are handling it amazing. Keep coming back and talking about it. All are here for you.
Much love to all you guys
Moongal x
moongal,
I'm so glad to hear therapy is helping you so much. An ED is something that thrives on loneliness and isolation, and it really does take an incredible support structure to even get started on the long healing process. I guess my problem is the support structure is there, but the rest is up to me. One moment I swear I can do it, the next I'm flushing the toilet for the billionth time. I'm sick to death of it, but at the same time recovery scares the hell out of me. I feel like I've hit a wall.
Thanks for the love and support.
Iris
Hey Iris,
I feel like I'm hitting a wall too. I've therapy tonight which I am hoping may help. I hate that wall sometimes it can be so hard to get motivated to knock it down.
I know that I have the power i just don't can't muster it at present. Because I am aware of how much pain I have to go through to heal.
But why do you think recovery is scaring you? Is it because that is all you have known and don't know how else to be, or is it something else.
Love to you
moongal x