Depressed with NHL

I'm getting my 4th out of 6 chemo treatments for NHL Wednesday. I'm so depressed and just MAD at everyone close to me~~can't explain it but I feel GOD is not even with me on this one :-(

Hang in there, it may not feel like it now, but God will never leave you or forsake you. I remember feeling the same way around round 4 (did 8 in all). It get's better, and soon I hope you will have good news and hear the word "remission". Try to surround yourself with positive people and experiences, and know that those around you love you.

It helps to vent and talk about it. GOD is love!

Daynal, a believe in God can certainly help some folks as it allows them to offload the situation, i.e. "put it in god's hands". In fact, on one level I have done that myself.

On the other hand, if you are feeling depressed and angry, you need to share those feelings with your care team. They are able to provide counseling resources and other tools that can help you get through the difficult period you are going through. There may also be drugs available which can help. Depending on the kind of insurance coverage you have (and your location) there may also be resources available to you through that source.

The other resource I would point to is your local cancer society. They have many tools which can help you at no charge but I think you should start with your care team. They should have the type of resources I am talking about at your disposal...take advantage of them.

You can get through this, Daynal, but you shouldn't feel that you need to get through it alone.

Good health,

kermica

@Andy and Pumpkin...thank you for caring..@Kermica, I do not want to take another pill for anything, I feel my emotions are mixed up from all the medicine in my system as it is. I'm not sure what a care team is? Would I get that from my Cancer specialist I am currently seeing? I know when I had my first round of chemo I had to fill out a questionnaire and a part of that was what I would be interested in with help. They made an appt with a social worker, however when it came around to meeting with her, she was in an accident and here I am going on my fourth treatment with no rescheduled appt. I have excellent insurance whereas I have met my deductible for the year, and everything is covered at 100%. Being new and scared with this, I would have thought the cancer center would have assisted me better than they are. Thank you for commenting on my post, I really appreciate it.

Daynal, I really do understand your frustration…if you look at my posts I think you will see why. When I say “care team” I am referring to everyone involved in delivering your care to you. If you are being treated in a cancer center, there should be a case manager whom you can speak with about the issues that are causing you anxiety. That case manager should have access to all level of support personnel who can assist you based on your needs . A social worker could be okay but I would think a mental health counselor specializing in oncology patient needs would be more appropriate to your case, based on what you have described.

One of the things that I advocate very strongly is that we all need to be in charge of our journey. If I were in your situation (albeit without knowing much about your situation) I would be asking to speak with my case manager, I would describe my mental state and what I thought might be helpful. Then I would task him/her with finding me answers that I could use.

I think it is important for us to remember that we are the “customer” even as a cancer patient. The providers work for us, our money pays their bills and we have a right to broach ANY subject that we want to if we think it is impacting our care or our opportunity for full recovery and remission/cure. I know this all sounds very forceful but I can’t even count the numbers of posts since I started my journey over two years ago in which people clearly indicate that they are in the unenviable position of being at the mercy of the oncology business (and it is a business) instead of in the hands of a competent cancer care team. I am trying to do what I can to break that mold, Daynal. You are in a position to help change things for the better for yourself and everyone else who makes this journey, just as I am.

I hope you will explore further with your care team, starting with your chemo nurse, how they can better serve you. It could make a world of difference in how you feel.

Good health,

kermica

Thank you Kermica. I have my 4th chemo treatment on Wednesday and will definitely be asking questions... I do feel lost, and you are right they should be servicing me... I will keep you posted... Daynal

Daynal, I cannot imagine what you are going through each time before your treatment. I have enough worrying on this Watch and Wait, and I don't have a ton of chemicals in my body, BUT I cannot help but believe you are winning your fight and making progress. Look at how far you have come, amazing! You know how much stronger you are now than you were before your first one, and each one after that. You need to take pride in your strenght and when the negative thoughts come at you, throw what you have accomplished this far at those thoughts. We are at our most vunerable emotionally when we are medically compromised, that is why our care team has to be there for us. As a very strong Christian I believe God is there helping you, but I believe his work is done through people helping people. We are His hands, etc. The people here, as well as your doctors and staff all want the best recovery for you. Sure, because of our shared human weaknesses, we often fail to say or do the right things to support each other, but often that is more ignorance and not on purpose. We humans are really all God has to get things done. We have to forgive eachother when we fail eachother. And try again. Sometimes, the ones in need have to be the teachers to the ones providing the care, and hopefully we all move a little further in the right direction. Please know that you are not alone, even though we cannot change your physical ordeal please know we are here for you in all other ways. Draw on our strenght for you and Gods love. Peace and rest. Kathy Beale

KBeale, I can not thank you for that heartfelt post you gave me. That is more that words can say. You are so right, I know the chemo is working, all the symptoms I was having that sent me to the doctor in the first place are gone. That is what we are working with, I have no mass or tumor, so the oncologist is working with the symptoms. I know GOD cares for me and I know deep in my heart I will be okay. I just have to come to grips that my life is changed forever...somehow I feel my husband is not accepting this. Over the past few weeks all our communication has ceased and he has become very mean to me~~~ I just can't understand why. We have been together 18 years and I feel he should be more supportive for me and to me than he is... I guess that is what is bothering me the most and making feel bad...to be honest it hurts. It has me thinking if you he is treating me like this at my weakest point, why are we even together~~~ I would never do this to him if the shoe was on the other foot. But as my mother always tells me, everyone heart is not in the same place. All I can do is pray and ask you keep me in your prayers as well.... Daynal

You have so much on your plate and I def understand the communication issues with spouse, even after 35 yr of training my husband still struggles to read my mind. Not meaning to make light of it, but it isn't from effort on his part, more that it is hard for others ESP men who like to fix things, then move on to the next problem, to except some things require more time or different skills that have never developed. I think the people who love us also morn the loss of how it use to be, but on top of this they feel guilty for those feelings when the other one is suffering. Anger rears it's lovely head when we can't control things the way we want. Is it possible for both of you to visit with a social worker that deals with how cancer and treatment effects personal relationship? He needs a place where he can talk about his feelings without fearing judgement. They could help with finding ways to express both of your needs. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer the year before my cancer. He caught it before it spread to his lymph nodes, the only option left was removal. I didn't even know what a prostate was or what removing it would cause, but because I like research I dove in. But reality is always harder to deal with than simply reading about it. We've have had many late night talks, including heated about male ego, etc. I like to break things down, ESP emotions, to their simplest form, expose the real fears. #1 is always fear of death, for self or love one. The fear of this kind of abandonment in my opinion trumps all fears and needs to be address first. Once we did that many other doors open up, fears about sexual performance etc. Where able to be discussed. But first and foremost is getting the doors open, and often that requires an impartial person to help. So this is so long, my heart goes out to you and i will pray that you will find the people who can help you. God bless! Kathy beale

Kathy, great post with great advice. Daynal, Kathy is right, getting the doors opened to honest, open communication is the key to getting past the personal issues you are facing. Again, I will recommend speaking with the person in charge of your case to find out what they can provide in the way of resources to help you get past this.

I also wish you the best and good health.

kermica

My husband told me one time when I was going thru anxiety attacks several years ago that it was hard for him because he couldn't fix the problem and he felt out of control so he would get irritated with me. It was hard for me to understand his reaction but helped a little when he told me that he felt out of control. He's my soul mate and best friend and we get along great but when it comes to other people's illness, it's hard for him to cope. In those cases, I talk to my friends who understand what I'm feeling and who have been thru similar things and then I realize I'm not alone. Good advice and information, Kathy and Kermica, I will keep that in mind as I start my journey. Daynal, I'll be looking for you for reassurance and advice when I'm where you're at now. Andy, I like what you said, "Try to surround yourself with positive people and experiences, and know that those around you love you." Amen!

Hi there, hope all went well for you today, you are more than halfway through! Please get plenty of rest, your loving god has you in his pocket and they are deep pockets! Peace of mind to you, Kathy beale

Hello all, thank you for your upliftings words of encouragement as well as the prayers. 4 down and 2 to go. I went in yesterday and told the oncologist of my concerns, with that being said I did not get the "RED" chemo and was so glad. She has me scheduled 11/23 for another Echo of my heart and a pet scan since I am now 4 treatments in. It felt so good going in there and taking control of "ME" again. It has been since 8/16/2010 that I fell into everyone else treatment plan~~that made me feel more in control than ever and that my voice and concerns were being heard. I will continue to pray for all and hope you do the same. Leaving to get the shot now, but will keep in touch and informed.

Wishing all good health

Daynal

Hope you are feeling well as possible. So proud of you taking control and in a positive way. You go girl! Good luck with upcoming scans! Post when you can, Kathy beale

Hi Daynal!

I have been a member here for 14 months. Most of that time has been spent (though not much recently) talking about how MAD I am and why me? etc.

Ross asked me, not too long ago, if I'm getting much of a return on my anger? (I have small lymphocytic lymphoma, which is in remission: they call it a "partial response")

I feel OK except I have shortness of breath. All the tests are neg or norm..........

I still am MAD. I just am.... I want to be... This has ruined my life, the way I see it... Why did this happen to me? Why does it have to happen at all? They have the cure or can figure it out, right? There's more money in being sick... On and on and maybe you thought of a couple of these?

You will be OK. It takes a little time. I never thought I would be in a remissive state. The illness may never return, according to my doc.

You have to have the will to go for your treatments and continue going. I didn't want to... believe me! But, I knew I had to.

I didn't read all of the posts to answer your question, so bear with me if I say something off point...

The bottom line, for me and maybe for you, is that being mad, angry, frustrated, perplexed, incredulous, ticked off really bad, whatever...... is that it's OK.

You may find that one day soon you don't feel mad anymore. It's a grieving process I believe. We are grieving for ourselves! It's not selfish... NO. It's necessary!

Good luck to you, and, get well soon.

Tony.

Hi Daynal, wanted you to know that my blood work and scans last week show my SLL is shrinking on this watch and wait program I'm doing. I feel very lucky to be able to avoid chemo at this time. It is always such a relief when I get the numbers and scans back. I understand some of the anger Tony talks about and I agree it is a stage of grieving all people go through when they deal with an illness that changes their lives so much, but I differ when it comes to feeling the "why me?" My response is "Why not me"? I am no better than any other human out there. Life provides no guarantee from birth on. There are a million reasons cells mutate the way they do, most of which we could never change even if we want to. When my father died at the age of 43 from an unsuspected brain tumor I was 18 years old. I was so angry at God and everyone else I came in contact with, the anger ate at me until I wanted to die myself. I am now 55 years old and so grateful to God that he gave me time to grieve and heal, to discover a world outside of myself and my anger. I have had a life of more happiness than I could have ever imagined, but it has also been riddle with much pain from the loss of loved ones to physical health, yet now I am grateful for the added years and know that anything can happen to me just like it can happen to anyone else, sharing this human vulnerabilty and reaching out to others allows us to begin healing. Thank you for listening, Kathy Beale

HI TMan and KBeale..... thank you for understanding and giving me the encouragement I need. That last chemo treatment was a LULU.... I thought I was alright, but I hit a brick wall. I'm just starting to feel better... was very nauseous with vomiting so please forgive me for the delayed response. Do you know what.... yesterday was the first time my husband has seen me bald, I have been covering my head everyday and night because I felt UGLY..... and all of a sudden I said THE HELL WITH THIS!!!!!! I am who I am and the cosmetic piece is only temporary. AND it felt so good and liberating. Am I still mad? somewhat,,, but comfortable enough to recognize its grieving for me.. and thank you both for helping me to see that. I can not keep living like I am dying... one thing I am realizing is that the world will keep going with or without you...so with that being said, I am now stepping off of my soap box and keep moving with the world. TMan... congrats on being 14 months in remission~~~I will be glad when I can say the same thing. KBeale I am soo happy you do not need to go through the chemo~~it definitely takes something from you and I would not wish this on my enemy.

Hope to hear from both of you soon

Daynal

Dear Daynal, I can hear such a great confidence in your post and I know you are going to beat this thing. You are getting your mental strength back and I applaud you, that is the hardest thing to do when you are feeling so sick. Even with hitting the wall, you are pushing through, and I know everyone around you will gain a new respect for you, but more inportant you have gained a new respect for yourself. Anytime you want to visit feel free. You can also email me. Kathy Beale

I also did the why would God heal me. I also felt that having others praying for me, God would answer their prayers just not mine.
I also was sexually abuse by my own father for many years, started at age 5 or 6, was told by him that if I told my mother would be mad at me & hate me..
so I did the why God, I had such a bad child hood, why do I have to have cancer too. I now am in remisson, I have been single for 12 years now, I made this chioce. I now wish I had stayed married or let those whom wanted to be a part of my life, come on in, instead of pulling away from them.. oooopps got off track here..LOL.. so sorry..

I now realize that just because I did not feel God's present, he was with me, he wanted me to rely on FAITH.. and I did have the faith, most of the time.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him ..Jeremich 17:7

Cast all your anxieties on him for he cares about you..
1 Peter.5:7

Will pray for you & your family/care givers,, God bless you ...Sheila