Desparate

[idontknow5]

i'm too embarassed to even share my selfish petty story. all i know is is that i'm falling. i have tried to get out of this pit, i can't. i just can't. my family can't take it anymore. my mother is broken. they even said they don't know how to help me anymore. my boyfriend whom i love dearly doesn't know how, he just tells me to get over it because there will be worst things in life but he's a tough guy...and he doesn't know what else to say. plus we are long distance which makes it extremely harder cause he isn't HERE.

i can't function. i am highly imbalanced. my mom is threatening me with a mental hospital...i've read about them and i've heard they are horrible. plus i don't want to be stuck with people i don't know who are dangerous, i can't sit in a circle and just vent infront of other people.

my dad has put me in at a really tough program at school, he's expecting me to finish but I can't even get myself out of bed every morning without feeling god awful..I've disappointed him already so much with school and failing. i know if i dont do it ill be screwed, but i cant even get out of bed...what do i do. my dad is very strict and tough skinned.. im afraid to go into public and i cant even concentrate or practice or anything..I CANT FUNCTION.

i have suicidal thoughts but i know that's ridiculous and i'm a coward and i wouldnt, but dealing with this everyday may eventually make me doing something out of the blue. so instead i lay here all day unable to function at all. forcing myself in public and i am embarrassed everyday, i get looked at funny every day.

you people won't even be able to help me much. you don't even know me or where im coming from...yet im reaching out to whoever i can because the people i love have given up on me. they just expect me to magically be okay and move on and be tough, but i'm not. IM NOT. i can't handle myself anymore. i don't want everyone to disappear D: but I can't function anymore. I want to disappear..I'm hurting so horribly inside. Do you know how it feels when the people you love say they don't know what to do anymore for you and you still feel the same? I've drained everyone dry. I even ask God, and I don't even pray and I'm not religious or anything. Please don't give me some Christ will save you, be a Christian and follow God's path. DON'T.

my dad tells me i dont smile anymore and im bringing everyone down around me and making them miserable...

i dont do it on purpose..i dont. but i dont know how to stop...i hurt

sometimes i think i should go into a mental hospital, but then i know id lose everyone i love, especially my boyfriend, cause he wouldnt be able to take it..and i love him more than anything. what do you tell people when you've been in a mental hospital or have to go to one????? i really dont want to...

I go to every last resort and I still feel this way. I know I'm gonna lose everyone, I can't get a grip. I want to scream HELP but I literally have over and over and people try, and it's still not in there...i really feel like NOBODY can help me. i have to help myself, but I am not stable enough. My mom has sent me to a doctor, he put me on meds..it doesn't work or help at all. That's all she knows..she throws me on meds. That's all she knows...

[idontknow5]

someone D: anyone...

[fzorbinjr]

If a person breaks their arm, another person who never broke a bone cannot fully understand what that feels like. so to hear THAT PERSON state they understand what you are going through when they have never experienced it themselves, are empty hollow words. correct?

but when a person has gone thru the hopelessness, helplessness of depression and have survived it, you can be assured they really do understand the terror of depression. grasping for any reason to continue existing.
the lifelines from family and friends are necessary because that validates your importance to continue existing in the world, but it should not be your only reason to continue living. many people do not have family or friends, so if there were the only reason to continue living, where would those people be who do not have that support?

It is important to have a balanced view of your right to feel valuable. arrogance is destructive, but so is, and manybe even more so, self loathing. You see, because it can cause you to react to your existance in a distorted, warped way. what i mean by that is, when you cant see things in a clear way, you can react to what you think you see in a distorted way. like looking in a mirror that makes you look obese. you may perceive youself as obese from that point on and take steps to correct what is not real. that is a distorted reaction to a distorted perceived problem.

depression is very real and very dangerous,causing our perception of ourselves to be warped. when we cant see our value as human beings in a reasonable balanced way, we become our own destructive ememy. fully convinced there is no value in us. we further thwart any attempts by ones who love us to convince us otherwise. they commend us and we dismantle the comment and turn it into a critical comment in our own mind. this needs to change, whether we can improve our mental ability by exercise, diet, sleep, medical , or all the above, we must fight ourselves to stay alive. there is not nor will there ever be, another one like you. the pain can be removed, life is worth fighting for.

[cs26]

You sound a lot like me when i was a teen. I am 26 now and i still struggle everyday with depression and hurt. I have a daughter and she is the light of my life. Until her i thought there was no one or no way i was ever going to make it in this world. Now im not saying go out and have akid but i am saying that there is light at the end of your struggle. My parents gave up on me whe i was very young. my dad left and my mom was an alcoholic who moved us from man to man. i eventually gave up and moved out at 16. i worked 4 jobs and still managed to finish high shool. it was very hard. I slept in my car in the moddle of winter. my high school sweet heart cheated on me repeatedly and i was clueless. i tried drugs they really werent for me.
anyways im not trying to give you my sob story but i want you to know that i have had it really hard too. your not alone. I dont know how to "fix" your sadness cause i cant fix my own. but i have found that just talking about it can help. my step father commited suicide and it was one of the things that ruined my life. I believe that if you take your own life then you are a coward for not fighting through the tough things that life throws at you. please talk to someone anyone you dont know me and you never have to tell me who you are but i am willing to be here for you and talk to you whenever you need it. I am not religious and will not preach to you. I will be your friend when you need someone to lean on.
Dont hurt yourself...
and your family is stuggling just as much as you are. they may be giving up because they are scared that they dont know how to help you. they are not professionals they are just people.....anyway...please im here if you need a private friend to confide in... =) im no creeper either!