This is my first time reaching out to a support group- It is time.
So I first needed to write a post that puts my addiction out there, because I need to truly start being accountable for my actions.
I have been dealing with binge eating for about 2 years now. I was a healthy athlete in highschool- and although I was a big foodie, compulsive eating was something I didnt even think of. 2 years After heading to college and gaining weight, one winter break I basically stopped eating and dropped a ton of weight. When I came back to school, I was very strict about my diet, and after a few months, my friends took notice, constantly on my back about what and how little I was eating (meanwhile I was also simultaneously dealing with severe binge drinking), depression and cutting). That following summer I went to work at an icecream place-and this is when my binge eating began. I would eat tons and tons of ice cream during my shift- and then be very strict for days, almost abstaining from all food. And ever since- I have been dealing with this crippling cycle of binging.
I am an actress, and so I am already hyper aware of the stigmas I face in my profession, and have been yo yo-ing (5-25lbs) with weight loss, trying desperately to get back to a healthy place, and not let the thought of food consume my life for 2-almost 3 years now.
Sometimes, I will binge for days- the worst of if was this past fall, where I literally ate the whole month of September. Sometimes its just at night, or all day while I am at work (it doesnt help that I am a waitress-so I am surrounded by food all the time). I know that this is a disease- and I feel helpless. I take all tempting food out of my house, And If there is something- I eat all of it at once. For example last night, I ate an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies- and before I knew it, a binge takes over. I scour the cabinets for something to make- and end up eating strange combinations of whatever I can find to satisfy this feeling that overcomes me. I think-well there is no turning back now, ill re-start tomorrow. I spend the night feeling guilty-so I keep eating, trying to enjoy it all before I give it up once again tomorrow.
I feel helpless, worthless, guilty, and powerless. I just want to go back to when food was eaten to nourish me-and it wasnt constantly something I had to focus on.
I am DESPERATE to break the cycle!
Anyone else can relate? Advice?