DESPERATE 22yrs old-Taking Responsibility


This is my first time reaching out to a support group- It is time.

So I first needed to write a post that puts my addiction out there, because I need to truly start being accountable for my actions.

I have been dealing with binge eating for about 2 years now. I was a healthy athlete in highschool- and although I was a big foodie, compulsive eating was something I didnt even think of. 2 years After heading to college and gaining weight, one winter break I basically stopped eating and dropped a ton of weight. When I came back to school, I was very strict about my diet, and after a few months, my friends took notice, constantly on my back about what and how little I was eating (meanwhile I was also simultaneously dealing with severe binge drinking), depression and cutting). That following summer I went to work at an icecream place-and this is when my binge eating began. I would eat tons and tons of ice cream during my shift- and then be very strict for days, almost abstaining from all food. And ever since- I have been dealing with this crippling cycle of binging.

I am an actress, and so I am already hyper aware of the stigmas I face in my profession, and have been yo yo-ing (5-25lbs) with weight loss, trying desperately to get back to a healthy place, and not let the thought of food consume my life for 2-almost 3 years now.

Sometimes, I will binge for days- the worst of if was this past fall, where I literally ate the whole month of September. Sometimes its just at night, or all day while I am at work (it doesnt help that I am a waitress-so I am surrounded by food all the time). I know that this is a disease- and I feel helpless. I take all tempting food out of my house, And If there is something- I eat all of it at once. For example last night, I ate an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies- and before I knew it, a binge takes over. I scour the cabinets for something to make- and end up eating strange combinations of whatever I can find to satisfy this feeling that overcomes me. I think-well there is no turning back now, ill re-start tomorrow. I spend the night feeling guilty-so I keep eating, trying to enjoy it all before I give it up once again tomorrow.

I feel helpless, worthless, guilty, and powerless. I just want to go back to when food was eaten to nourish me-and it wasnt constantly something I had to focus on.

I am DESPERATE to break the cycle!

Anyone else can relate? Advice?

Also- Anyone use laxatives to purge? It is terrible and embarrassing to admit.

I can definitely relate to this. Like in high school I was always the girl who finished everyone else's lunches if they didn't want it and never really thought about it. I got mono one summer and lost a bunch of weight- people started to notice and say how good I looked. So I started dieting and trying to keep up the weight loss by restricting food which led to binges.. Gained the weight back. After a few cycles of weight loss and gain, I'm back to binging and I hate it.
I totally get what you said about binging on cookies then feeling like you ruined the whole night so you might as well keep eating what ever somewhat tasty combination of food you can get your hands on b/c you know you'll restrict tomorrow. I have that's like the last supper syndrome.
I think if I just stopped restricting and ate intuitively without worrying about weight and just accepted my natural healthy weight-the binges would stop. For myself it has a lot to do with self acceptance I think. What usually triggers you to binge? What are your feelings before you reach for the food?
Just know that you're not alone in this. We are all here for you and here to help in any way that we can. Send me a PM if that's better for you or what not. I'll be praying for you :)