About a year ago I was posting here. At that point I felt way overhead with obessions and rituals. Dieticians and psycologists later, I still feel the exactly the same; fat, worthless, and helpless, only translated into a different form. I now weigh more than i did then, and instead of restricting my food intake, I find myself in a cycle of overeating, extreme guilt,and overexercising,or repent caused by lack there of. Logically I know that I am not overweight by any means, but I am treading too close to the wieght I was when all of this madness began almost five years ago for me to feel comfortable. For awhile I truly thought that I was nearing towards some sort of balance; food being neither punishment or comfort, merely a mean of survival. I could feel it and smell it, and I was actuallu optomistic about my future. But I fell off of that wagon, and now I am desperately searching for some way to get back on. For those of who are recovered or in the process of doing so, I have some questions for you:
How did you manage to banish the obessessive thought of food? Too keep at bay every spare thought to be thinking of when you will eat next, what you will eat, or when you won't eat and what you will keep yourself from eating?
How did you come to the point that food lost its power over you? I have thought about what I would spend my time thinking or doing if I wasn't thinking about food, meal planning, reading recipes,cooking, exercising, or demeaning myself because of my weight, and I honestly cannot think of anything.
What do you do? How do you live? How did you change? How can I change?
I am eighteen. I want to live I full, happy, healthy life. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Any advice you have would be so greatly appreciated. I feel horrible.
Welcome back! I remember you! ♥ It's been a long time! :)
I'm sorry you're struggling so much... Are you still in therapy?
My therapist told me the other day that full recovery from an eating disorder is possible. She also said that all women (and increasingly men) have a tendency to be body conscious and compare themselves with others. To a certain degree this is normal. But, for those with eating disorders, it's important to be aware of one's tendency to try to solve problems by focusing on weight; when those obsessions begin to creep in, as it sounds like they have for you, it's vital to address them. That may mean revisiting therapy for a while, if you are out of it...
I'm not recovered yet. I'm working on it. ;0) There are ups and downs. Spirals of recovery and flirtings with disordered behaviors and thoughts. But overall recovery means a general improvement in thinking, feeling, and acting. A greater sense of balance. I wouldn't call my own thinking, feeling, or acting "normal" yet... I still tend to obsess, isolate, and flirt with old behaviors. But I'm more aware of it. And when I feel that happening, I reach out for support and accountability. Talk about it. I think that's the thing that is helping me the most. ♥
Lemons...I remember you as well! I am happy that you knew you would find support here again. I too am sorry you are still struggling. I agree that going back to a professional for some guidance could be the answer for you!
RECOVERY IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE! Please don't give up!
You have your whole life ahead of you, and I hope you seek help now, before this ED takes any more of your life!
Please keep writing....HUGS....Jan ♥
I remember both of you! Thank you for your kind words! I am still seeinga pyschologist, but I stopped seeing a dietician a couple months ago because we didn't really mesh well and it wasn't really getting any where, not to mention that it was expensive. I have been referred to an eating disorder program, at the moment I am in the process of deciding whether or not to committ to it, and also getting all of the paperwork and tests done. I am extremely apprehensive and leaning towards not doing it because it is really intense (three times a week), I am not underweight anymore, and tests I had done a couple months ago where good, so it seems like it is all in my head.
So nice to hear from you all:)
lemons…the thinking aspect of recovery takes a while after weight restoration, because your brain needs to heal, and changing those thinking patterns takes time and challenges. Hang in there and know that you CAN do this…and the rewards are well worth it!
Take care…Jan
Hi lemons,
I am new to this as I signed up yesterday... but unfortunately I am not new to my struggles. I have been struggling for around two years and can relate you your story.
I lost an extreme amount of weight due my food intake and exercise. I have now gained back half of that weight and look far better, I only wish I were better. I obsess every day on what I will eat and how much. I obsess on when I will exercise and for how long. It consumes my life as I am constantly preparing and planning. Like you, I want change in my life and want to be happy. I wish I had advice for you but I am seeking advice myself I just wanted to thank you for your post and let you know I am here for support.
jj…welcome! This site is great support, and totally pro-recovery! Recovery is multi-faceted, and it takes more time than we want to uncover and deal with all of the aspects, but please keep working and trust that you CAN do it! The thinking patterns, anxiety and obsessions are the last to settle down. Your brain needs time to heal and ‘reprogram’, so to speak!
Please keep writing…take care…Jan
I can really relate to where you are right now! A lot has happened in the last year. :) I became weight restored last year, but I reached a point where I felt like my progress had stagnated. I needed more than the therapy I was receiving twice a month. I started with an outpatient clinic in May, and it's much more expensive and a bigger time committment. I understand your apprehension. I am no longer underweight, either. But that actually has made me physically able to do the more intensive therapeutic work... I have individual therapy once a week, group therapy once a week, and I see a nutritionist twice a month. It's slow progress, and the money is driving me crazy. But I don't regret my decision at all. ♥ Hang in there. Ask for what you need, and hold onto the help you receive with both hands, without shame. :)
