Dilemma

Hi everyone. I'm hoping for suggestions and advice. My husband and are in the process of getting a divorce. He wants to leave this marriage for another woman, although he says it has nothing to do with that woman. Anyway, I cannot move out of the house till May next year for a couple of reasons. It is not easy staying in the same house and not doing the same things I have been doing for the past 15 years. I still cook and clean for him. I still talk and joke with him. We just don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I don't want to do things for him and yet I am miserable when I leave him out of my daily planning. I am no longer angry, I am just extremely sad. I feel happier when I just continue life as usual. I remind myself daily that he no longer wants me. Yet, I rationalize that I would do all the stuff around the house for anyone who stays with me anyway. Is this the right direction? Am I doing the right thing?

I know what it feels like to want your life to just be as it was. I have been married for 27 years and my husband just decided that he was moving in with his girlfriend. I was sick to my stomach for days on end from worry. i am sad and lonely. I sometimes feel angry and then feel guilty for being angry. i also find myself thinking about what i could have done differently.Then i realize that this is on him. He was the one to cheat and lie. There were so many other choices he could have made but being the coward he is he chose to lie and cheat. I allowed him to do this while I closed my eyes to it. When i did confront him he was put out by the fact he had his cake and was able to eat it too. now somehow I ruined it for him.

I can't imagine what it is like to be living in the same house with someone who you love but doesn't return those feelings. It makes me sad and sick when my husband comes back to get stuff from the house. He tells me he misses me and still loves me and then walks back out the door to go to his new love shack. I think it would be worse to have him in the same house and live together under your circumstances.

Don't feel guilty and don't do his laundry. He is a grown man and if that is all he needs you for let him hire a maid. It may make you feel better for a while but then you will become angry when you see he is only using you. You have self worth and it is not reflected through him.

I will pray for you and hope you find the strength to see that you are special and deserve a good life too.

Mary

Dear Mary,
Thank you so much for responding to this dilemma. What you said is so right. I might feel it's ok right now. I could be resentful later. I will take your advice to heart and do more thinking about the situation. I will also pray for you and that you continue to have strength.

Tuti

I don’t know about you but every once in a while I need someone to give me a good reality check. In other words a good kick in the butt. I get so wound up in blaming myself for things that went wrong or things that I could have done differently that i forget about me and my feelings. I am not responsible for the choices he made and I have self worth. That is what I forget about and what makes me so sad. I hope things start to look up for you. hang in there tomorrow is a new day.

Mary

My husband & I have lived that way for the past 5yrs. I'm on one side of the house & he's on the other & yes it is sad I do my best daily to not give it too much thought for a while its really for financial reasons, I no longer do alot of the above mentioned items for him though & I no longer feel guilty about it one way or the other because I'd be doing thoses things for myself anyway.

April

My husband and I moved to this town far from our families and friends. Everyone that I kow here are colleagues. I was devastated when he asked for a divorced this may. He did not give any serious indication that he was very unhappy with me. I was naturally embarrassed to tell anyone. People that we know here assumed we have such a great marriage because we are always together whenever we attend functions and dinners. I finally had to talk with a few colleagues about the situation as I need letters of references to apply for work elswhere. To my surprise, I found all that I spoke with are very supportive with me. They let me cry on their shoulders, they are offering me places to stay if I cannot stand staying in the same house with this man. They are telling me that I have done no wrong. They call me me when they don’t hear from me after a couple of days. The one advise that each has told me which I remind myself is we all have choices. He is making the choice to leave, not me. He made the choice to have this relationship with the other woman no matter what excuses he had given me as to why he’s having this affair. No matter what the problem with our marriage is, it is no excuse for having another romantic relationship. Strangely enough, there are days that I don’t feel like a victim or a survivor, I feel victory. I have been a strong independent woman all my life. I didn’t know this till someone reassured me these qualities. I hve been taking care of him in everyway including his career. I do not resent this. I wanted to do everything for him and he and I allowed it. In the end, it is about our choices. I chose to marry him and it is his choice to leave me for another woman. Would I have done anything different if I knew this would happen? No, I gave it all sincerely in the name of love and respect for him and me. I am satisfied and fufilled knowing that I have done my best.

I moved 2,000 miles away from everything I ever knew (California) my career, family, friends, etc. & yes I'm very independent, thank goodness. Thoses strong qualities will see us through huh.

Ms. Mary and Ms. April, yes, we are strong women. We have endured life long lessons. Oprah said something that gave me an "Aha!" moment. She said strong women like us deserve someone so special, spectacular and strong as well. Weak men are intimidated by us. They will seek a way out in search of weak women. We cannot be anyone else but us. We are defined by our wholesome authentic being, not by some other person ever. So hooray for us and may we continue to shine so others may learn from us. I pray for love, peace and strength for all of us.

That is a wonderful thought. I know i don't want to be defined by my husband or by anyone else. I guess in the pain of it all I forget about what's really important and that is ME. I often recall telling my husband that "I cannot make you happy you have to make you happy." I know the same goes for me.

Thanks for the reminder that we are strong and we will survive.

Mary

Wow, been there , done that. I begged him not to divorce, but that did not matter. Living in the same house is most difficult for over a yr After he asked for divorce. I have lived in the house now for a yr while he lives w/his G/f in his Lakehouse. I do think of the What if's on my part. Yet, it is what it is. I have been with this man most of my adult life. Even today, I ponder Well, if, he came to me and wanted to reconcile....Yet, that will not happen & I must remember that this man did not want to be married to me. HE did not want to commit to his VOWS to God, self or me. I could not make him be with me. The only suggestion I have, is that, IF you have God in your life, GO To him for direction, he will lead you and Guide you in the way in which you must go. He also got the church in the divorce; I say that, cause HE bring his g/f there. Sorry, but my flesh is not that strong. I am so sorry you are going thru this. I did not know there were Others that have walked this walk. Have a very blessed day.

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