So. I'm back at school. I'm out of the infirmary. I'm maintaining my weight, but I have to admit that I feel awful about doing it. I know I shouldn't be losing, but I wish that I were. I feel wretched about myself, and my body image is abysmal. I almost feel like healthy isn't worth this discomfort and self-loathing. I'm going nuts. As my behavior improves, the resentment I bear towards myself mounts. Strange phenomenon.
At any rate, I talked to my nutritionist today, and we're going to start thinking about having me try out the dining halls once in awhile instead of always cooking for myself at my apartment. I'm very nervous! My first meal is this Thursday, with my acting partner. I'm pretty terrified, but it will also be kind of a relief, I guess. I mean, it's terribly isolating not to have even the option of eating anywhere else. I feel ashamed of being so crippled, but I'm also practically paralyzed by the fear of moving outside of that comfort zone. At any rate, I'm really scared, and I hate my body! :-/
be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal and get well.
i'm sure its very frightening but you have the support and the professionals around you to help and you have us for support.
good luck
it really does take time to accept your normal weight --which is actually a beautiful thing. health IS beauty --sickly is not beauty. it takes time--i know it is hard but it takes time to accept yoruself as it doesnt happen overnight...
good for you for going to the dining hall!!!! be brave, pray and put your best foot forward . i know it ll be hard but one you face something you fear you become stronger for it....
vero, hon-
i'm happy to know that you are out of the infirm. and maintaining your weight. i adore your writing style and your choice of words- eloquent yet universal.
yes, feeling crippled is difficult to handle and embarrassing, i know. and eating alone and having no other options simply magnifies that crippling feeling.
please let us know how the dining hall meal with your buddy unfolds. having a friend/buddy helps, i'm sure.
in college, the dining hall was one of my greatest fears... i loved the social aspect, but it was a place where all my oddies seemed to smack others and grab their attention...
i wish you the best and am happy to see that you are willing to venture out of your comfort zone.
namaste
xoxo