I haven't b/p since Sunday...it's the longest. After every meal, I have to force myself to stop. Then, after about 10 minutes, I feel fine. I'm keeping myself really busy...taken on more hours at work and filling some of my spare time with coffees with colleagues, drinks with a friend etc...so far, it's working well.
In my mind, I am terrified of gaining weight and I have to admit that I am restricting somewhat...though I'm still eating 3 meals a day. I feel that (at the moment) I have two options...I either gain weight by continuing not to b/p or I b/p and feel unbearably ahsamed and disappointed. I don't want to go back to where I was but I don't want to gain weight...
On a third point, there is DEFINITELY some form of distortion going on when I look in the mirror. I seem to have grown so much but yet my clothes all feel the same...it's clear evidence that what I'm seeing isn't the reality.
sweetie, im so so proud of you. since sunday, that's incredible :-) major cheers going on here!!!
i completely understand your fear of weight gain, same here, as i'm sure for everyone else.
try to keep in mind though that b/p doesn't actually help us lose weight as we're still retaining a lot of the calories (but without the nutrients). and eating regularly is the one way of stabilizing your weight. when a long time back i was b/p free for a few months i even lost weight despite eating 6-7x a day, and that included proper meals.
give your body a chance. it'll feel amazing, getting your strength and energy back, regaining some nice teint, sleeping better etc!
re body image: i can't imagine anyone with an ED not having those, so yeah, i'm pretty sure what you see is not what you are. if your clothes are still the same, then so are you the same weight/size. ****, ED really screws with our heads, doesn't it?!
Thank you so much for what you've written. It's given me so much strength. I'm so sorry that I haven't replied to the message yet - I'm on this 'go go go' thing where I'm not allowing myself to sit at the computer for too long. Are you free this evening for a chat??
You've given me so much more strength with what you've written here. I can use this to fight the next urge. I'm feeling so much better physically. I'm seeing my therapist in about an hour and it couldn't come at a better time. I totally see what you've said about the vitamins and nutrients...I NEED these...we NEED these and they are eventually going to give me more mental strength because my brain needs them to function at its best.
OK, I've planned a busy day...therapist...quick lunch, coffee with a friend, teaching...and then? ****, what then? I know....jewellery shop...buy some material to start making jewellery...I've been meaning to do this for a while. And then...hopefully, chatting with Maedi!!!
You're so right with the ED thoughts...yesterday, I actually thought that perhaps I had gained lots of weight and my clothes were stretching...this is ridiculous...my ED is clutching at straws to survive and is no longer making any sense to me...my logic and my reality is what I need to trust now. I can't trust something which makes no sense.
Have a wonderful day everyone!!! 16 degrees here today! I'm wearing jeans and lush heels to work as a personal celebration...if anyone asks...the washing machine has broken down!!!
ill be online for sure :-) i could even call if you need proper distraction? just let me know!
anyway, loving your spirit!! and yeah, i wish i could wear heels, **** it, but still a lot of frozen spots here...
you are so right. malnutrition severely affects not only our bodies but our minds/hormones too so that in itself can be triggering. especially once serotonin levels are a mess!
well done on keeping yourself busy and planning your days. i like the jewellery idea :-) ill buy some 1000 piece or more puzzles today, that should keep me busy.
make sure though that you don't overdo it and it all ends up in stress. do look after yourself, maybe add a short relaxation time in there, to do some yoga, have a bath, opi your nails (as you said)!!
so, keep celebrating! i can really feel that positive vibe even through the internet!!!
Well, it looks like I'm going to make it to the fourth day. I haven't indulged in any bulimic activity since Sunday morning. I don't feel ready yet to communicate fully about how I'm feeling - this is certainly new territoty in my mind. I've just popped online to say...Maedi...so sorry I wasn't around this evening - I didn't expect to come this far with this...I just don't know if I should be communicating about it or not. I don't know if I am hungry or not. I frightened to stop distracting myself from temptation at the moment.
When I'm ready, I'll open up about how this is feeling...all I know is that I'm feeling strong and taking each second as it comes.
This is where I wish I could be!!! You are such an inspiration and it gives me hope that I will get better too!!!!!!! Keep going and let us know how you're doing!!! Outpatient in 1 week :/ but this gives me hope <3
The fact that what I’m doing is inspiring you is incredible…an unexpected bonus from my efforts. This is more than possible…the benefits of shaking this off by FAR outweigh anything that the ED could EVER give to you.
honey, you just do what's best for you right now, no expectations here whatsoever!! so proud of you, you have no idea, especially knowing (like all of us) how hard this is. but guess what, i can feel your strenght too :-)
sonrisas, you can get there too. give yourself time and simply know, by reading the posts of all these wonderful people, that it IS possible. ED can be beaten, especially if you have the support of a good OP programme. you'll do it, honey, no worries!!
Thank you Maedi! It’s strange. I feel pretty numb at the moment…no emotions are coming out yet. I’m finding it easier each day not to b/p…I don’t know if this is normal. Your advice about doing some relaxation is really valuable and a good idea…I’ll be going to a tai chi class on Sunday morning.
I’m not able to go into how I am feeling yet. I’m just continuing because I know it’s the right way. I’ve been feeling VERY ‘happy’, my walk to work is so much easier…I have a lot more energy already. My lessons are going really well…and I am far more ‘on the ball’ with things. I’m going to journal on here this evening. I’ll send you a message when I’m online and perhaps we can arrange a call!
I hope you are well! No snow here yet…Paris has been hit quite badly!!! XXX
Thank you so much. I’m on ‘new-found ground’ here and it’s not half as bad as I had expected. I have no idea what’s going to happen but all I know is that this feels good, I feel strong and I am going to continue and take each second as it comes.
Oh la la, it's true. When I see other people who b&p and start to stop themselves and better their life it helps me to realize that if someone else who was struggling can do it I can too. It makes me realize how tough it is going to be to get better, but it helps me so much <3333 Keep being a ROLE MODEL :)
Each second is a second in a new direction. Each minute is a step on the new path. Each hour is an hour filled with positive self discovery. Each day is bringing an overwhelming feeling of achievement.
End of day 4...still feeling strong and happy. Still unable to fully communicate about my feelings.
But you are communicating your feelings to yourself. You're almost realizing there is a much less distructive way to communicate the emotions to yourself than b&p! Which is amazing! And the feeling you have from not having episodes is basically empowering you to keep going which is incredible and I couldn't agree with maedi more!!!
Thank you Maedi and Sonrisas! Distraction is proving to be 'key' - last night, I found some stupid computer game to play until the 'urge' disappeared...even a **** computer game is more beneficial to me than bulimia.
Today began as a struggle but I didn't give in. I tidied my flat, went for a little walk, then a friend from Paris called and we chatted for about an hour. Now I'm just relaxing! It's been a week...I can't believe it. I can't actually believe it. In fact, I can't let myself think of this too much because I'm trying to focus on myself and my activities and not adhere too much to the ED..I'm trying not to make a 'big deal' of it all in my mind so that I don't feel that it's a challenge.
I'm realising that the more I engage in other activities, the less the ED is able to slip into my thoughts. I'm still feeling strong and positive. I can't express enough how valuable distraction is. I'm not allowing myself to sit and do nothing - if I want to relax, I read or listen to music.
My digestion isn't feeling too good today but I suppose that's all part of the process!