I'm continuing to struggle with restricting, and I feel like I just can't get enough of it. It's like a drug. But at the same time, while it gives me a high, it makes me feel awful, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It sucks to be caught in this cycle. I feel so stuck!
I'm kicking myself over every bite I eat and constantly wondering just how much I can get away with eliminating from my meal plan before someone catches on. It's agonizing. ED is screaming at me all the time.
I know I keep ranting on here about everything that's going on lately, and I'm sure I sound like a broken record. It's just that sometimes I don't know who else to talk to or where else to go. Sorry, guys, and thanks for reading.
True..keep writing...you know, you wouldn't be going back into PHP for a 'booster' if things were going well. For some reason, the ED fights even stronger when you are taking steps to defeat it....as you are now! I know it's hard, and the cycle truly does hold you fast...BUT, you are writing about it, and you are willingly asking for help. That is awesome, even though it doesn't 'feel' awesome!
Please try to give yourself credit for this, and keep 'ranting'...we all understand. Try to take care of yourself and remember that you are doing the right thing...HUGS..Jan ♥
I remember when I went into in-patient treatment. I wanted to go, but tried in a backwards way... I made myself sicker so I could get admitted because I didn't know what else to do... but once I was in the hospital, and the food was placed at the table...things didn't seem so hard. It was like my permission to ignore my ED. Granted I still had my battles, and there were MANY tears. But it was like this whole weight was lifted off my chest. Like I had a rope thrown down to me to help me climb up from the darkness instead of clawing at the sides and always falling down.
This cycle you speak of...the high you get, I know all to well. But it is NOTHING compared to the energy you get from food. And it gets easier with every bite.
I used to think that when I ate something "bad" it would stay in my body for days accumulating and building fat and make me gain weight...but that is SO not the case! ....as funny as it even sounds to me to say this "it's only food"
Not a monster with sharp teeth
Not a murderer
Not something you could only imagine in your nightmares.
It was put on this earth so that it's inhabitants could survive and live life.
I used to think food was evil...but it's my ED that's evil. It doesn't like that I admit this, but I like food. It tastes good and feels good to eat. I hope you'll see that one day too.
Put you're trust in those around you. They do NOT want to make you fat. They are not your enemy. They want to see you happy and full of life; because you deserve it. You deserve all the happiness in the world and your ED is what stopping you from getting that. You are beautiful Vero.
....This song was playing on my iTunes while I was replying to you....I think it is fairly fitting...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-kHleNYIDc&ob=av2e
Vero,
Paige says it very well. The fears are great, I know that, but I truly believe you will feel some relief by allowing someone else to help you deal with this.
It's hard to trust, but please keep reminding yourself that what you have been trying isn't working, so it's time to try something else. Take care...Jan ♥
I feel like I restrict a lot, too. What I do is bring a packed lunch and eat. I feel terrible about it, but I eat it. We just have to take little baby steps.
kyee
im rooting for you true image----and i beleive you will do great in inpatient! i know ED really rears its ugly head before getting help--i know! i swear ED IS LIKE A MURDERER ABOUTb TO GET CAUGHT AND TRYING TO FLEE THE SCENE! DONT LET HIM FLEE THE SCENE.
the same thing happened to me before thersapy--exactly.
ED knows he is gonna have to go so he is trying to hold on. dont let him. he doesnt have a chance in this one...
