Diversions settling mothers and daughters and empathy

i've spent most of my life twisting and turning... never *sitting with* ANYTHING. when someone got close to the label of *eating disorder* for me, twisting and turning commenced creating a diversion. when someone got close to knowing me in a more personal manner, more twisting and turning. i've been so caught up in the diversionary tactic of the twists and turns that i allowed myself to become the very essence of everything i was trying so twistingly hard to get away from.

in some way, i've known that confessing the truth about my food oddites, my lonelinesses, my substance abuse, my debilitating and sometimes energetic depressions would scratch the surface-epidermis of buried demons. once awakened, i knew to fear the uncontrolable , dark hysteria that was bound to occur. for this very reason, i have settled for such a low low low quality of life.

telling the truth is scary when you've never done it before. communicating on such a level has NEVER been a part of my life. seeking therapy backs me into a corner: i want to learn to change some of my reactions and behaviors- i don't know how to BEGIN to tell the truth about these reactions and behaviors....i don't know how to tell the truth about incidents that may have provoked such reactions and behaviors.

i've been pretty good at being pretty quiet about pretty much everything in my not-so-pretty life. i have no idea what has changed or evolved in me for me to even care.... but i do. I DO CARE. i'm sick of self-imposed exile. i'm sick of being alone b/c i won't share, don't share, don't know HOW to share most of how i have felt in my life and some significant things that have happened in my life. ANYONE would feel lonely if they CHOSE to stay quiet about so much for so long.

i'm 42 years old. i had coffee with my mama today. casual conversation began it's way toward more personal introspection as my mama apologizes for not talking to me throughout most of my life. she tells me that she thinks i am intelligent in a bigger more complex way than others.... and admits that i must have been -might still be- very lonely. wow. 42 years old. pretty intelligent. no accomplishments. lonely. self-imposed exile. everything got in my way of accomplishing anything.

my mama always wants to try to FIX everything. today, i love her so much more than ever [if that is even possible] for simply being aware and for offering me her empathy.


Amy: I think in many ways you are evolving into a person you have always wanted to be. It's just that it's painful getting there. The open communication you are having with your therapist, your mom and with all of us on the site over the past months tells me that you are changing.
You are 42 years old, talented and intelligent beyond belief and you are beautiful inside and out. It's tough not knowing exactly where life is going, where you are going emotinally, physically and maybe even spirtiually. But you are definitely going.... I don't know how long it takes to get there, but I know you will

I admire you so much for perservering through all the pain.

Love to you friend

I agree with you Molly!

Growth comes with time. Time is scarry. And if your impatient and keep watching the pot of water...it'll never boil.
I too have PLENTY (and i mean TONS) of growing to do. Growing doesn't stop till you DIE.

Some of us in this world...NEVER grow. Not even to admit and get outta DA-NILE.

Appriciate what you do. Appriciate YOUR talents and accomplishments for what they are. And imagine what it would be like with out them. They are YOURS....EmBrAcE!!! ;)

Take Care!

YES!! Amy, please read what Molly and froggirl have written. I agree totally....you ARE becoming and changing, which is truly painful, but you are doing it because you know you want to, even if it hurts.
Your children....accomplishments? I think so! You truly are a gift of this Earth, and truly a gift in MY life...love you friend...Jan ♥

Hello namaste,
Thank you for sharing and supporting all of us. I can especially relate to being alone; I had a couple serious dates when I was twenty but nothing since. I'm ok with this because I feel my best friend is out there and I will meet her one day.
I can also relate to the fear of speaking out and it's great to see you can SEE you care. That's a huge step forward to seeing you are one of the better ones in this world. We need to compare otherwise we'll accept the blame for crimes for which we are not guilty. We owe ourselves and others like us to deny the guilt and shame that is not ours. Our guilt and shame is that beautiful spirits like us are being hurt: Our guilt and shame is honorable.