I’m so lost and broken. I just want to be dead. I can’t find happiness in anything any more. My whole life, my career, the company I work for the city and state I live in all of it was a sacrifice I made for the woman I loved that no longer loves me. For context I live 3000 miles away from where I grew up and where my remaining friends and family are all at. I work with her at the same company, we had also started a business together which I asked to dissolve a few weeks ago because I can’t handle being around or talking to her anymore. She left saying that it wasn’t personal, that she didn’t want anything from me other than to be divorced and now, months down the road as the court portion of the process is starting to playout it’s a totally different story. She’s lawyered up which has caused me to go into debt to get my own lawyer for self preservation sake. She now says she wants alimony even though she works and has a roomate to split her rent and bills with and I fear it’s only a matter of time before she tries to take custody of the kids. I have completely lost my will to live. I can’t bring myself to work or socialize. Even just being around my kids fills me with guilt and remorse. The gym has been my strongest ally for years helping me through hard times and even that has begun to feel like a chor over the past month or so. I don’t want to kill myself but I just don’t want to be alive anymore. Therapy is a scam. They just listen until my times up and cut me off mid sentence to say let’s hold that thought until next week. Offering up stupid solutions like journaling and distraction and finding the good in what I have. None of those things help remotely. If it were that easy I would’ve solved my depression years ago. I’m so lost. How can someone just stop loving you? I’m so full of hate and even still I can’t stop loving her. I want to so badly. I just want nothing more than to laugh at her and move on like shes done to me but I just can’t.
1 Heart
I’ve been through something very similar. Starting in 2017. I’d love to say everything gets better but here it is 2024 and it seems to just get worse every year. All I can say is take care of yourself. Don’t get in another relationship for a while. Get yourself to a point where you can function on your own and just wait for something to happen. Don’t force anything. Do as much as you can with your kids and understand that they see EVERYTHING. They will see your actions. They will see their mother’s actions. And they will make their own decisions based on that. Their future can depend on your actions. No matter what is going on between you and their mother, they need love.
1 Heart