Divorce Group: Please support me today

Hi Everyone: I am sitting at my computer crying and in full panic mode because my soon to be ex will be picking up our daughter at 2:30 for a visit. When he first went off the deep end, he missed four weeks of seeing her and that was horrible. He has been back in touch for a month now, and today will be his fifth visit since he reestablished contact. I am being eaten alive by thoughts of how it will go when he gets here. He has walked in acting loving toward me, and he has walked in acting like an ice cube. For the record, I filed for divorce during his disappearance in May. When he is loving, I melt, and it gives me hope that this will all go away. When he is cold, it is like a knife in my heart. He says he is cold because it hurts him to see me and not have me. I have made it crystal clear that he can have me IF he attends one hour a week of counseling to learn new coping skills. He has refused. I feel desperate and pathetic, and fear that I will lose it when he gets here. I returned from vacation yesterday and was so relieved to be back in my own bed. I have another vacay scheduled for July 18 to 25. All of this was scheduled and paid for in January, months before my husband took off. I am actually so panicked at the thought of leaving the state for another vacay, that I am considering eating hundreds of dollars in non-refundable airfare to not have to go. I need your support right now, please. Tell me I'm not crazy.

Hi. You are not crazy. I have gone through separations and it would be so easy if my ex-wife just acted cold all of the time. But when she acted loving (far and few in between) it would make me think back to how things were when we first met and I would have a glimmer of hope but unfortunately the cold outweighed the love. Is that what you are seeing?

Yes. My husband comes in to get our daughter and either kisses and hugs me and tells me he loves and misses me, or he shuts a switch and there is nothing there. It plays with my emotions and with the fact that I do not want to end the relationship. I am the one who filed for divorce because he abandoned ship on May 12. Just handed me his cell phone and walked out the door. He said he was overwhelmed and 'lost it', and that he regrets it. I have said I would stay with him IF he goes to counseling. He contacted a counselor and made arrangements with our insurance for it to be covered, but never made the actual appointment. I confronted him this week and he said he isn't going to do it. He would rather not invest the time unless he is sure it will work out, and one condition for him is that I have sex with him now. I refuse to do so. We are at a standstill. He will be here soon and I am dry heaving and sweating like I have the flu.

Well, I survived his visit. When he dropped our daughter off, he hugged and kissed me and said he loved me and missed me. Then, he said, "What I really need is a date so we can feel connected." I know what he means is that he wants to have sex with me AND the other woman, too. He gave me the "I feel so rejected" line. I told him I am not rejecting him, but that I am not interested in a Sunday night date with a man who is sleeping with someone else while married to me. I said I know without a doubt that he isn't finished with the other girl. He looked embarrassed and uncomfortable, but did not deny it at all. He must think I am a fucking idiot.

I have found that they manipulate most of them time and the wrong brain is working for them. The biggest issue between me and my soon to be ex was that we weren't having enough sex but that was because I had checked out mentally a long time ago after all the mental abuse he'd put me through. I asked repeatedly for us to go to counseling and his response was as long as I can yell at the counselors like I want to yell at you then I'll go. After that he sent me a big thing of flowers and scheduled a weekend away from the kids at a hotel like that was going to fix anything. He got mad because he was there alone the second night while I was out drinking with my girlfriend. When I was with him I was strong and sure things would be easier when we separated, but now it's scary to me. I worry when he takes the kids for a weekend or a few hours because he's done some effed up stuff in front of them and that scares me. I'm glad you got through this. I know it's not easy at all. Although my ex doesn't try to get with me because he "hates" me so much and I've ruined him for other women or any other relationships even though I made it through the mental abuse, at times physical and emotional abuse.

Dear Broken Pieces: Thanks for your supportive reply. My husband certainly has the ability to manipulate other women. The skank he is sleeping with to numb himself probably doesn't have any idea that he is married, although he told me 'she listens and understands' about the meanie wife who rejected him. Now, if he could take the same energy he is spending on telling a stranger one side of a marriage and put it toward counseling, we'd be in business. I am having a hard time with mental images of him with another person, but I do find comfort in knowing that she is nobody, and that he is in love with me, although I have chosen to decline his offer of a half-assed marriage. My spouse, who will be my ex in less than three weeks, wants me to put everything in the past and agree to never bringing it up again so we can move forward in marriage. He is very good at burying problems and pretending everything is fine, until such a time years later when he has a meltdown. I've been through two of those, and the second one, May 12, resulted in me filing for divorce. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no ability to pretend everything is fine. I probably over-analyze compared to many people, and stuffing feelings is not something I am good at.

It is so difficult when they flip flop like that. You should not ever have to stuff down your feelings, that is the way you feel and you are entitled to those feelings.
.My soon 2bx never wanted to go to therapy either and now he goes to AA and couseling with his AA girlfriend whom he has known for 4 months. Just remember there comes a point when itis time to just stop letting them hurt you. I am having trouble with that but working on it. They are two alcholics and let them just go off the deep end together and leave me andmy kids alone!\

Your hubby's flip flopping and attitude isprobablly his way of trying to control things, don't let him. Stand y ou ground and be strong and do what is best for you and your daughter. Let him fall on his own and not take you down!

I stood my ground today and I am so grateful that I found the strength to do so. This is a situation I do not want, and never asked to be in. It is very hard to say no to the advances of someone you love, especially when feeling particularly vulnerable. I am an easy target right now, and am happy that I held firm. He knows in no uncertain terms that I will work on the marriage WITH COUNSELING ONLY, and he'd rather die than go to counseling at this point in time, and probably forever, given that he is 54. He also looked like a deer in the headlights when I said I know he is not done with the girlfriend/slut/skank/pig, and I am only interested in a traditional, monogamous, commited lifetime relationship with no exit strategy. Does he really think the sex on the side is getting past me? He looked stunned when I brought it up, and when I said wow, you don't even deny it, he got an embarrassed look and said of course he isn't having sex on the side. I know this man like the back of my hand, and he was lying so badly that he couldn't even fool himself. I am a highly educated person and I swear sometimes he thinks he married an idiot. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have been advised to change that, but I am who I am, and I think my sensitivity is a positive character trait.

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