Divorce over infidelity and lack of trust?

Relationships Romantic Relationships
1

I have been married for nearly 17 years and 6 years ago I learned that my husband was having internet affairs where he set up fake email accounts and was searching out women to talk to online and occassionally meet. He only did this from his work computer and never at home. He met a few women in person at lunch and kissed a few as well. He told me after being found out by one womans husband and swore he was sorry, loved me, made a mistake and wanted to work things out. We went to marriage counseling for a few months, bought a new house and tried to restart our lives. I had a great deal of difficulty trusting him and over time feel like I had become emotionally numb and fell out of love with him.

During the last 6 years I have changed jobs twice, completed a masters degree in night school and dealt with the serious illnesses of my 2 divorced parents. My father died 3 years ago and I inherited an estate so complex my lawyer said it should be a bar exam question. The estate nearly sunk my financially during the 2+ years I had to administer it and pay taxes and other bills with no income from it.

About a year ago I felt that if things in my marriage were fine now, why hadn't anything changed? I still had trust issues and upon some investigation learned that my husband had set up another fake email account as well as a myspace, facebook and several other accounts. Same story...talked onine only at work and met occassionally in person. This time I took over all of his online accounts, changed the passwords, locked him out and was able to see what he was up to. He swears there was never any sex with any of them. I tend to beleive him mostly but am not 100% convinced. Again, he swore he was sorry, went to individual counseling for a few months and swears he loves me and doesn't want a divorce. I stayed with him up until now due to the huge financial obligations I had with the estate but now I am past that. He swears up and down he is no longer online cheating but with him doing it exclusively at work, there is no way for me to ever know for sure.

Adding to all of this is the fact that I turned 40 this year and have no children. I feel that if I divorce him, I am forever giving up my chance to have kids. If I stay married, I must settle for being unfullfilled and unhappy to some extent.

I am looking for guidance from all of your experiences on what I should do. Should I stay married and settle for less knowing I have a good lifestyle with him and he will never leave me or should I have enough self respect to divorce him and move on? I never beleived in divorce but I am not sure I'd be doing anything but setting myself up for more heartbreak if I stay with him.

Thank you all again for reviewing this long story!
I posted this on the divorce support grou as well but would also like the advice of others who have had similar exeriences.

PG

2

Picassogirl, WOW that is a huge struggle to go through. Although I can not say I know your feel exactly, Ive experianced similar things in life. My ex-fiance was kind of slimy behind my back as well. Although I dont believe he ever cheated, I know he would see other girls behind my back when we were struggling. (but you never know) Not only did I feel that he was always more "superior" to me because he was a man and had "money" but he was very emotionally, and depending on the day physically abusive. It took me many many manyyyy nights of painful crying, no sleep, and no eating to come to the conclusion of leaving him. Although I thought I would be happy, when you've been with someone for so long then go on your own you feel lost. Im still struggling day in and day out. Whatever choice you make is going to be hard sweetie. Heres the catch, if your decide to forgive him, you must do just that. Forgive him and let it go.... for good. Your marriage will never rekindle if you dont and will fall apart anyways, and you will end up wasting valuable energy! If you decide to leave it will also be tough!! It will take a hard, bumpy path to get over the mistrust, and lies. Listen to me, either way YOU CAN DO THIS. Fight for your happiness girl. Whatever you think will make you the happiest in the long run, DO IT. Just make sure you do it right. This is just another very small hill to climb and you can conquer it. Us women will do anything for anyone, but rarely will we fight for our own dignity. Take control and smile again!! :D I am keeping you in my prayers, and if you need anything I am here. Thanks for sharing your story, thats important!!! SENDING YOU HUGS IN YOUR TIME OF NEED!

3

PG, thank you for sharing your post as your a strong/proud woman & I've often pondered the same obstacles & overcame most by learning to listen/love myself even at the price of going it alone alas I no longer have my career so at least you have that going for yourself & would be wise to follow your feelings/needs instead of chasing the dragon of deception from your partner as this can affect you physically/emotionally for years to come.
I'm married 20yrs. hes bipolar/schizoid/BPD & more disorders w/alcohol dependency & we live on opposite sides of the house for financial reasons the past 6yrs. & will no longer manage himself & I will not enable/co-dependent his behavior ever again, which is something I had to learn along the way. Would be wise to go forward & think of your needs & look back w/no regrets.

We're listening to you friend & keep talking w/us when you feel up to it.

All my strengths.

April

4

(((picassogirl))) I'm on the divorce board too cause I'm hoping that's where I'm headed.

You say you're 40 years old. Try saying "I'm only 40 years old!" Trust me, 40 is young. I'm 60. Look at John Travolta's wife, she just had a baby. And there is always adoption, especially overseas adoption. Plus children in a marriage are optional. I would have loved to have biological children but I have a genetic disease so I chose to adopt instead. I love them dearly but when I see my little grand niece who looks so much like our family I can't help but wonder who my own biological children would have looked like. Wanting children is no reason to hang onto a marriage, especially a bad marriage. Not good for you and not good for them.

Have you read about Emotional Affairs? That is what my husband had. There was nothing physical to it aside from kissing and holding hands. But I read that Emotional Affairs can do much more damage than a physical affair and I believe it.

When I found out it felt like someone had stuck their hand into my chest and pulled out my heart. It is SO painful. I mean a physical affair can be considered just sex, an animal act, but an Emotional Affair is so much more personal. And with this affair he pulled away from me physically and mentally. He spent no time with me making up reasons not to that sounded very plausible for awhile.

He too has been living in a separate area of the house. It made it difficult at first cause I thought I still loved him so to hear him moving around hurt. But I've realized now that he's killed the love with his lies and treatment of me so it doesn't bother me. Could be one of my kids going in and out of the door as far as I'm concerned. I've let go of the constant anxiousness and worry.

I'm smarter now. I've gotten the focus on me and have decided that he doesn't deserve me. He likes to play "games". He tells me I'm not what he needs anymore. Not that I've changed but he has and he needs someone more adventurous. I just agreed with him, I'm not adventurous, I don't like travelling. Truth be told I'd be happy just living where I am for the rest of my life. I don't need to travel to far off exotic places, I can see them on the Amazing Race.

I'm trying to divorce him, kick him out. He won't go. He insists this is his house too which is true legally. He asked if I'd be more comfortable if he went to a hotel. I said yes. He stomped off and I didn't follow to stop him. He came back 30 mins later and said he'd decided that he is going to stay here for another couple of months. Then he'll leave. He uses finances as a reason which I have to admit makes sense.

I thought about what I have planned over the next while and decided I can live with that. It will give me more practise at being strong and detaching anyway, which I can always use. I have lots of things planned until my groups, etc start to taper off for the summer. But notice that my decision was based on ME not on him. Is it convenient to me? He made the wrong choices, if he wants to stay here I get to decide.

I turn 60 in June. I'm throwing a party for myself at a local restaurant. I don't want gifts, all I want are people who care about me (my friends) around me so I know that someone is glad that I was born. If my husband is still here he can make himself a frozen dinner or pick up a McD burger (yuck). He's not invited.

5

My heart breaks for you. I have been through this twice also.

Things were great after the counceling in 2005. I could trust him. he was a good husband.

Now with out getting into a lot of details I will tell you that my husband was damaged as a child. He was very neglected by a drug addicted mother. From the counseling I have since learned that he will allways have issues that take him back.

Only you know if you should stay with him.

Just yesterday I talked with my counselor about being ashamed about what people think of my for staying with him. And that sometimes I feel week for not leaving him. One thing I do know for sure is that I love him.

She told me that I shouldn't wore what others think. But that she would support me in what every I decided to do. But because of his background I may have to realise that the counseling might have to become a once a month thing. Stay strong,,,,,,,I think you need to decide is really done, and why does he feel the need to cheat and is he like my husband and still have not come to terms with something that has happened to him. You may need to go back.

Good luck, I feel your pain

6

Thank you all for your replies and for sharing your own individual experiences. I am sorry for all that each of you has had to endure. I started seeing a counselor last week and she said that my relationship is toxic and that my husband is very deceptive. I will continue with the counseling and think that will help me as well as all of you. Thanks from the heart to each and everyone of you.

PG

7

I've been where you are, but on a different level. My ex-husband was a substance abuser and the infidelity was part of the abuse. My ex exibited high risk behavior, which could have meant a death sentence for me so I had to walk away for my sake and my children's sake. You on the other hand are having to deal with trust issues. I'm sorry, but trust is a very delicate and valuable. Once it's broken, I can never fully be repaired to it's former state. Without trust there is no relationship. I also know love can cover a multitude of faults. Do you love him enough where you can live without always wondering if he's telling the truth, if he's with another woman, or why he chooses sexual gratification with someone else. If the answer is yes, stay in your marriage and look the other way. Find a way to make it work. I'm not going to lie to you, lonliness is not fulfilling or fun. But you need to decide, if you want to be lonely in your marriage or outside of your marriage. If you choose to stay in your marraiage, you need to let him know you have to practice safe sex. But only you can decide is it worth it.

8

picassogirl, I want to commend you for sharing your story with us. I truely got a lot out of your experience. I am going throught a simular situation, and right now taking everything into consideration.