I don't even know where to begin. My husband has been cheating on and off for the entire 16 years, but the last few years have been by far the worst. After having an affair 1 and 1/2 years ago that made the headlines ( his mistress ended up stalking me and getting arrested) he was suspended from work a few months ago for sexual harassment. That is when I kicked him out. Even though I know this was far over due and I know it was the right decision, I still have terrible moments of doubt. Any advice out there?
please know that you made the right decision. when your partner is out there cheating on you he is putting his health and your health at risk. (diseases are out there) plus that woman who stalked you who knows what she could have done to you if she wasnt caught. thank the lord she was. it sounds like he has a sexual problem and needs some help. you do not deserve to be cheated on no one does. you did the right thing and now you can devote time to pampering yourself and focusing on you and if you want to get with someone when your ready then you can find someone who will truly love you and respect you. i am so sorry that you are going through this. please let me know how things go for you and know that i am here anytime you wanna talk. this is a great support group with wonderful people on here.
My advice is you have made the right decision for sure. It's hard, I know, but you don't deserve to be treated like you have been treated. I had a cheating husband too, and even though he promised it wouldn't happen again, it always did. I think once they've done it and we didn't divorce them for it, they think if they slip up again we'll excuse it again. It becomes a pattern and they get a little braver and riskier every time they get by with it and reap no consequences from the wife.
I'm so sorry you're in this position, but you've found a really good place to come for support or to just vent how you're feeling as you go through this. I also have to agree with Ashley, your husband has a real big problem when his behavior has now caused him to lose his job. It's sad, he apparently can't stop himself from making bad choices, but the choice for you to save yourself and later, when you're ready, have someone come into your life who will treat you with love and respect is what I'd keep thinking about when you get that feeling of doubt that washes over you at times. I'd be prepared for him to start begging for you not to divorce him when it gets close to a divorce date and it being finalized, so I'll tell you what my good old school guy friends told me when I started through my divorce. They said remember, he's a man and he doesn't love your *** or he wouldn't be a cheater, he loves his ***ets and doesn't want you to have any of those ***ets and that's the only reason he doesn't want a divorce. Bingo, my now ex did exactly what they said he would do and I told him exactly what my friends had told me.
Stand strong and know you're not alone because you are here with plenty of people who will care about how you are doing, and always remember no one deserves to be cheated on. It's too hard to live with that. Hugs to you! Sunshine!
Thank you so much for your comments. I know all of what you both say is true, but it feels so good to hear it from you! I will not change my mind. I need to feel like I have dignity and respect for myself. I had lost that being with him. I will definitely keep you posted and I wish you both the best as well!! Free At Last!!!
I'm happy for you freeatlast!!!! You sound way better than you did on Monday. You absolutely hit the nail on the head when you said, "I need to feel like I have dignity and respect for myself". THAT is how I felt the very day I filed for divorce when enough was finally enough. I walked out of my attorney's office feeling like a ton, literally, had been lifted off my shoulders. I was all giggly and felt so happy to know that I was finally not going to be a doormat any longer, and I would show him and everyone else that I will not put up with anymore. I was SO embarrassed because everyone, I mean everyone who knew me and my son, knew everything and it was talked about non-stop to me, behind my back, by my family members, and I kept feeling more and more disgusted that I wasn't strong enough to take a stand. When I did, it felt great!!!!!
I hope the rest of your day is going well. Keep that good thought in your head....you want your dignity and respect back! Hugs to you!!! Sunshine!
Freeatlast, It's nice to meet you!! I see you've already met a couple of the very wonderful, amazing people on this site!! I'm sorry about what you've been through, but I'm so glad you found this site, as it's been a Godsend to me while I am going through a nasty divorce and custody battle.
I am fairly new to starting my divorce as I just left my abusive "has-been" in January but I agree with Sunshine that it felt SOOOO good to begin the process!! Welcome to supportgroups, we are glad you are here!!
Sending welcoming hugs, Suzee
Oh, yes, Sunshine, I do remember all too well the feeling of embarrassment just being around people. And when it hit the newspapers, forget it! It was so embarrassing for myself and the kids....especially my youngest. I am so glad I found this support group. I am so glad I am here as well. Appt with lawyer next Monday!
Free
My therapist told me that there will always be doubts...but it will pass. You did the right thing. No one said divorce was easy. Keep your head up! Life will get better, that's what I keep telling myself everyday. Get a good lawyer. I have the best lawyer and my husband has a very crappy one. Yay me!
I've been thinking divorce for months now. And I was really uncertain. He has continued to live downstairs in the house which is driving me insane. I can't wait for him to get out.
I know this is going to be hard. But I've noticed when I'm with other people I feel good about myself. When I'm with him he manages to stomp all over my self-esteem and self-worth. That's why I've had enough now.
I'm in tears a lot. Even if divorce is something you want and something you know is what is best it's going to hurt. It's like a death. It's the death of what you imagined your life would be, the death of good times you had together (if any), you need to go through the 5 stages of grief and find closure. I have a friend who took 5 years to reach closure, I have another who took only a few months.
It takes as long as it takes, don't rush it. And get some supportive friends to surround you with the love and respect you deserve.
Hi free, I am SO happy for you that you have an appointment with an attorney Monday! After you go to that appointment you will feel so much better and be so proud of yourself. I bet you'll walk out and start getting all giggly like I did from the relief you will feel. I was really surprised that I started to stand up straighter, hold my head up high again, and could start looking people in the eyes that had known all the "dirt" that I had been so embarrassed about. Even without saying a word, people started looking at me differently....like, thank God she finally is going to get him out of her life!
Don't forget to let us know how Monday goes! We'll be talking to you before then I'm sure, but I can't wait to hear how you feel after you've been to talk with your attorney. It will be a happy day for you! Sending you lots of hugs and keep hanging in there!!! You're doing great!!!! Sunshine!
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. Whenever I get a little down, I think about those embarrassing and humiliating moments. Its amazing how I felt that way but he didn't. I guess I just thought when I finally got to the point of no return, it would have been so much easier....yes, Meadow, I tried the living in the same house thing once and he just roped me back in. You too need that closure. I am pretty certain you won't get that with him living there. Stayinpositive, I really do, deep down inside, know I did the right thing. But your right, it is like a death. Sunshine, you should drop the ' Eventually' your great!!!!! I think the sunshine is here for you!!
Free
You most definitely made the right choice. I think your doubt comes from the fact that you were with him 16 years. He is what you know good or bad. Just do not let your doubt make your decisions because you do deserve much better. Best of luck to you and be strong!
Hello everyone! I just want to let you all know that I met with the lawyer on Monday, and all if all goes well, the paperwork begins next week. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Free
Now I'm doing the happy dance for you freeatlast!!!! Don't you feel like a new woman and one with some of your power back already? Good for you!!!! Not that I jump up and down and scream, YAY, someone else is getting divorced....not at all, it's a hard route to go, but with all your husband has put you through, I have no doubt (even if you do sometimes) that you have definitely made the right decision, No one gets to have their cake and eat it too indefinitely....cakes good, but too much of it makes for a tummy ache LOL!!!!! He ate too much dam cake free!!!
Keep us all posted on how this week goes with getting the paperwork filed. Once again, I'm happy for you and really proud of you for being so strong and saying "enough is enough"!!!! Sunshine!
free, YAY!!!!!! Welcome to the club!!! YOU certainly are most deserving of a divorce!!! I hope you are going to stick it to the #^(*#@!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so serious!!! You've got yourself a fan club here because you've been through hell!!
Stand forward and NEVER look back!!
We're here for you!!!
Happy hugs, Suzee
Hi, Free! Just checking in on you and making sure you're still hanging tough!! I hope you had a good Holiday weekend....an extra day to chill out can't be bad for anyone! d
I'm sending positive thoughts your way and let us know how you're doing! You're stronger than you thought, Free! YAY!!!!!
Sunshine!
I understand about the two of you living in the same house. My husband has moved into another bedroom and won't leave our home until the divorce is over. 2-3 days a week he sleeps at the girlfriends house. I've just had to tell myself to focus on taking care of me. You need to first get STD tested. I know it is embarrassing however, it is the smart thing to do. Then pamper yourself. You need to start realizing you are enough, you are specially created and made. When this is all over you will realize that weight is off your chest and you are free of his demeaning behaviors and negative emotional ploys. Make sure you have a good lawyer. With any marriage of length don't let him talk you into settling on your own. He is trying to control you and get out of paying alimony. Seek legal counsel. It may cost more up front but it will be in your best interest in the long run. Know that we are special, and your husband cheating was not your fault. Don't let him tell you that you pushed him away or give any excuses. There is no excuse for cheating. Hang in there.
I want to say "DITTO" to everything that Teach posted!! It is so true, a good attorney makes all the difference in the world. I loved my attorney, she wanted to be as nice and fair as possible, but my ex's attorney wanted to fight about every thing under the sun and hope to break me down so I would get so desperate to be out of the marriage, I'd go along with anything to get away. My attorney made it clear to my now ex's attorney that I was being bullied by him having control of the money and she was here to protect me. I did back down and waive my rights to some accounts, but those didn't matter since he had already drained them and hidden the money real fast after I filed for divorce. In your case, if there is quite a bit of money involved, your attorney can ask for permission to have all accounts frozen. It's a nasty way to go, but had I done that instead of thinking he wouldn't really play THAT dirty, I was wrong, he did. Protect yourself and know we're all here for you!!!!
Sunshine!
Also please go to a psychologist and work through divorce recovery. Your husband and mine are selfish and made the divorce all about them. They have pointed the finger at us for so long we often are fooled by their elaborate blame game. A good counselor can help you work through these issues and get the old you back -The person you were before the you fell under his mind games. We have years of manipulation to work through and retrain our thinking. It is healthy to revisit your choices in order to make better choices in the future. Know that one day this will be over, and you will find you again. The vibrant, loving person that been stuffed in a box will be set free.
Just an update: I am paying the lawyer this week and moving forward. He has been terrible, but i will not change my mind....I want a better life now!