Do I have an eating disorder

Hi,my name is Danielle,I'm 17 years old.I'm new here. I don't know what to say really,except that I feel like I'm at my wits end. I'm so scared,I don't know what to do. I think I have an eating disorder,but I don't know where to turn. I don't even know if I'm right. All I know is I can't stop losing weight,and food is all I think about. I've lost 30 pounds in the past year,but I'm still fat. everyone I know tells me I'm not,and they just get mad at me and treat me like I'm crazy,which just hurts so much.It's like they think I'm trying to draw attention to myself or something,but I really do see myself as fat. At first I thought they were just being typical family members.You know,lying to me basically,because they were worried and being just overbearing,so I just blew them off.but what finally has pushed me over the edge is,this is the second month in a row that I've missed my period. I keep telling myself I'm probably being ridiculous,but i just have this horrible feeling. Food is all I think about. I've been vegan for about a year and a half too,which is really important to me,but everyone else seems to think I'm crazy. It's as much for the animals as it is for myself,I'm so repulsed by meat and animal products. At first I thought it wasn't all that unusual,and that I was just passionate about the cause,which I believe that I am.but I realized all I ever eat are foods that I consider "safe." I have these horrible binges sometimes,but it's always with my "safe" foods. I won't touch anything that I consider unsafe,ever.I feel worn out all the time,and I'm constantly sick.This can't be normal,can it?? I mean,do you think I need to get help? I wouldn't even know where to begin.:( Part of me feels terrible even asking about this,I feel like i'm wasting everybody's time. I just don't think it's possible that I really have an eating disorder. but the fear is still there,and I don't want to wait until it's too late to get help if I really do need it. but part of doesn't want to get help either,I don't want to gain weight,I don't think i could deal with it. and I refuse to eat any animal products,and I'm scared if I get diagnosed I'll be forced to. How is it possible that they could all see me as underweight?I don't know if we're supposed to post how much we weigh,but I'll just say,I'm not that underweight in the first place,at least I don't think so. I don't understand why they don't see what I see,and I feel so crazy sometimes. please help. anything would be helpful,any advice,anything. what do I do? How do I get help(do I need it??) can I get help without anyone knowing? thanks for taking the time to read all this.:) I feel like i have no one who understands that I can talk to,so this website seemed like a really safe way of finding help.

I think you should look into possibly getting help. It wouldn't hurt to find a therapist and talk about this. When do you turn 18? I know in California at that age you can see a therapist without anyone ever knowing. I did that. As for always thinking you are fat, I think that every second I am awake. It's rough. Especially when people don't understand and won't support you with love. It sucks. I have safe foods too. I have safe foods I binge on and I have certain food I will eat. Usually rice, mac and cheese, and chicken strips. I never stray from these or I won't eat. So you see you aren't alone. I totally understand. I would just look around for help and keep using this site. Make a friend or friends and share with them so they can help guide you out.

=]

thanks for the good advice.:) idk,I really think I should look into getting help like you said,but I don't want to at the same time. I hate feeling like this...I have a friend(sort of? it's complicated) who's struggled with anorexia for years,and I finally asked her for some advice. she said she knew how I felt,about the not wanting to get help,but wanting to at the same time. she said it has to do with her eating disorder "voice" or something like that. what is this? all I know is it doesn't sound good,but I think I can definitely relate,or at least I think so.
I'm not 18 until december.:( but just knowing I'm not alone helps so much,even if I can't find a way to get to a doctor for a while. aren't the safe foods awful?? It's so bad I can't eat really anywhere but home.:( but thanks so much for your advice.:) hang in there,k? ur in my prayers :)

I'll message you to explain more =]

thank you so much.:)

Danielle,

Welcome to support groups. :) Yes, it sounds like you do have an eating disorder. You're experiencing the push/pull of the ED right now... Danielle wants to get help, but the ED voice in your head is trying to convince you that you don't need help. Push/pull... I did that too. And sometimes still do... ;0) I agree that help is absolutely necessary. Are you still in high school? Your school counselor would be a great place to start. You might contact your school and see if the counselor has summer hours. Counseling is really important. And having an eating disorder is nothing to be ashamed of. You're asking important questions and looking for help. Be proud of that! It's hard to suffer in silence, but harder to step out and try to recover. :)

Keep writing! Lots of people here do understand...

Love to you,

Jen

I know how you feel about thinking your fat. People say you aren't so you have to believe it. I notice what I see is different because I will think "ugh fat" so your mind will make you see what you think, but when people tell you that your not they are right. I had a binging and purging problem for quite a while, and I was so ashamed, but there is nothing to be ashamed about.
Working out, yoga, exercise, stretching, eating well (fruits, veggies, protien) will be a good start. I am started to eat better and stretch more and I am feeling more awake and not so down and tired. Maybe seeing a doctor and talking about what has been happening would help, they would probably put you on a good diet so you will be feeling better.
P.S. Diets are to help you function better.

<3(:

hi Jen,thanks for your message. :D ugh,it's so complicated.I've been home schooled for the past few years just because I've been so sick. I thought at first when I decided to try it that it might help me,because I just couldn't keep up any other way.but I know it was also just a way to isolate myself. I graduated this year though,I was hoping to go to college in the fall,but with all of this going on,I might have to wait a year or so. It's so scary,because I feel like my whole life is on hold. I know I put everything into this eating disorder,if that is what I have. I've isolated my friends,and family,even moved to a different town to live with my grandma. I don't want to admit it,but I'm so scared I did all of it just so I could continue like this. how selfish is that? I don't really like who I've become,but I don't know how to change. I'm thinking maybe I could get help at the college?? that's a few moths away,but idk if I can bring myself to ask my dad to take me to the doctor. I might be able to tell my gramma,but idk...it comes back to the not wanting to,and I feel so crazy. thanks so much for your advice though. I feel so much better just in the last day,being able to talk to people who understand and don't think I'm nuts is amazing.(lol) but seriously. thank you so much for your kind words.:) ~hugs~

hey mrk,I didn't see your post.:thanks for the advice.:) i know your right...it's just,the fact that I see something different makes me feel crazy. :( idk. and it's so weird,but then it's like I don't believe them,and I think they're lying. I feel like i have to choose between one explanation or the other,and them lying is slightly more appealing than the me being crazy option. :'( but I know now we're not crazy. I wish I knew more about why we see things differently..what's different in our brains than in everyone else's? Now that your better,do you see yourself as not fat like everyone else?or will I always feel this way?anyway,thanks so much for your comment,glad your feeling better.:)

Hi Danielle...the fact that you are reaching out shows that you do know you want something better, whether the eating disorder allows you to always know that or not. You have missed some of your periods, which indicates that your bodily systems are quite compromised. You brought that up, so I sense that you may realize this could impact your future in a big way, in terms of having children or not. Even if you choose not to have children, your body is telling you that it is hurting, that it is being deprived of important nutrients.
As Jen wrote, the push/pull is you against the eating disorder. This is confusing and frightening, but you can recovery if you get good professional help. Please talk to your grandma or your parents, and tell them that you want and need help. I am surprised that if you have been ill for a while, they haven't taken you for help.
This is a safe and supportive site, and I hope you will continue to share. But this cannot take the place of professional counseling or treatment. I hope you will look into this and talk to your family. Thinking of you...Jan ♥

Hi Jan.:) yeah...I've been so afraid about missing my period. I don't feel any different,but idk,I'm so worried about what's happening inside of me. I'm going to try and muster up the courage to talk to my grandma. Part of me thinks she knows already,but just doesn't want to face it. :( i'm just afraid of what's going to happen to me. what if I can't recover? Will they put me away somewhere? I'm so scared they'll make me do something I don't want to do. I'm sure I'll reach a point where I won't want to go along with them..I don't want to gain weight,but more than anything,I don't want to gain fat.I think I could handle it if I just didn't have the fat on me. and I refuse to eat meat or milk products. They'll force me to,won't they? and besides all of that,treatment must be really expensive,right? I don't know that my family can afford it. It's just my dad and my gramma,my mom past away,and I have two little brothers my dad has to worry about. I don't think he'll be able to handle this,idk. What if he resents me?
but thank you so much for your kind words,it helps so much to know that people actually care.I know I'm not alone. I hope your doing well,God bless you.:)

Ella....I understand all of your fears, but if you don't at least try to get help, there is NO way you will ever recover. Recovery will have to include change, because obviously, what is going on isn't working, and you are risking your life, literally. It's not your fault that you are in the grips of the eating disorder, but you can make the choice to get help. Yes, recovery means doing things that you don't want to do, or really, what the eating disorder doesn't want you to do. But right now, you are pretty confused about what to do, right? That's due to the effects of the eating disorder as well.
Your Dad has a lot on his hands, but if you continue to become more ill, he will be worrying even more, and without help, the likelihood is that you will only become sicker.
Please know that you deserve to be free from this, and that the hard parts of recovery are worth having your life!
Many people care..including myself and others here. Take care Ella.....Jan ♥

Trying to recover is tough at first. No it is hell. It will be one of the hardest things you do in life. I tell you this not to deter you from
going but to help you see what it's like. At first you will want to
resist and won't agree. If your therapist is a good one, they will push you but they will be the kindest person and try to accommodate all your wants and needs within reason. You have to do it give all of yourself to recovery. But after you recover, you feel amazing. You feel better than before. You feel okay. Like your life is good now okay. You won't have to lie like before and you won't need to be secretive. How do I know all this? I've done outpatient twice. It was a good experience. Give it a shot. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to worry. If your dad really loves you then he will do what he can to help you and find you help. Yes it is expensive but will be worth it. I'm positive your grandma will help too. She may know that you need help but may not know how to help or approach the subject with you because it is a sensitive one. Give therapy and treatment a try. Think it over. But most importantly, make sure not only your mind wants this but your heart, that all of you want this or it will be unsuccessful and you'll resent doing it.

I was just thinking.. If you dont want to fully get help, you could always go and talk to someone and say your concerned about a "friend" and just tell them everything your going through, but in second or third person. Just say that so and so has this problem, and I want to know what I can do to help her. Would that work for you?

I told my gramma and she's been so great. she made me a doctor's appointment for tomorrow at 8:45 and she's teling my dad to let me go by myself. I'm so relieved but I'm so so so scared right now,I can't quit crying.idk what to do. what if I'm wrong and they just turn me away and don't help me? what I'm wasting everyone's time? or what if they diagnose me,and I do have anorexia or some other eating disorder?? Idk why,I know I won't be any more or any less sick with a diagnosis,but it somehow makes it real.I'm so afraid I'm slowly killing myself.why am i doing this???there's a million things going through my head..if I do have it,what are they gonna do to me?

but I want to thank everyone on here for helping me get to this step. you've been amazing,and I really feel like you might have helped save my life. thank you thank you thank you!! you've been so kind to me. this feels right,getting help,but I can't believe how scary it is to fight the "eating disorder" feelings right now. I'm so scared their gonna think I'm crazy,or lock me up or something. what if I'm wrong and I'm wasting everyone's time??

You are anything but crazy. I'm so glad you will be getting help. You deserve to live a life free of this. It'll be okay tomorrow. They won't lock you up but they'll help you. And a diagnosis makes it real and maybe that's what you need to motivate you to stop.

thanks for your comments,everyone.:) I'm so proud of myself,I asked for help. :) I'm so scared right now,and so conflicted,I feel so crazy,I'm like,laughing,and crying,and I feel like I'm feeling everything all at once. I feel so angry,and guilty,(for doing this to everyone who loves me,and for doing this to my body)and scared,and reluctant,and happy,and ugh...and but i know it was the right thing to do. I am so confused,but I know your all right. I can do this. I wanna get better. It's not just me that my choices are effecting,and i realize now I'm hurting my family so much,and all the friends that I've isolated myself from. it sounds so sappy,but I really really want to thank you all again for everything you've said. thank you for being honest with me,and for helping me realize,I am slowly killing myself. If I keep going like this I'm gonna die. I don't wanna die. I'm gonna get help,and I'm gonna beat this. My dad just called me,and he's not angry. He doesn't fully understand what's happening,but he's gonna take me tomorrow and wait for me in the waiting room. I know he loves me,but I can't believe he's reacting so well,I feel so lucky. he's not angry like I was scared he would be...I feel so stupid for thinking he would be. wow. I'msorry for babbling so much,I just can't believe how this makes me feel. i haven't even gotten help yet and i feel like I'm breaking free.

thanks wonderwall.:) :)

Hi Danielle- I think that it is great that you are reaching out and admitting that you think you might be sick. I could really feel for you while reading your post because I can remember what it felt like to be struggling when I was 17- it's a tough age because you are kind of in between being a teenager and living with your parents and becoming an adult and entering into the adult world. Keep reaching out and hang in there- keeping fighting "Ed"- the abusive 'boyfriend' in your head who tells you that you are worthless and can't eat. Focus instead on reaching out and receiving support. Good luck!

thank u so much queenbee.:) :)that's such a good way of explaining it too!