Last week I received an email from my soon to be x in it he tells me that he is going to be in town (our first court date is Wednesday morning) and he is going to pick up our son Tuesday afternoon (No time frame) and bring him back Saturday when he leaves. Wednesday we are going to court for temporary orders and custody he is asking for joint custody with him as primary. I sent him a reply telling him I'm sorry that is unacceptable that I have plans for us Tue night but he could have him after court. I do not believe if I lose tomorrow that he would bring him back.
I do have plans his grandparents are coming in from out of state and hasn't seen him in over a year and today will be the only chance for them too so if my X shows up do I have to let him go even though I have told him a week ago I have plans for today?
There is no court order in place as of today, so I don't think you do not have to let him go with his father. This should though, be brought up in court about your fears that he may not bring him back. Judges don't like to see a parent keeping a child from the other parent, but in this case the fact that you have plans etc... is understandable. I understand your fears and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did and not speak up right away. How old is your son? I'm sorry I don't remember. Has this child witnessed any abuse? Has he ever been hurt by his father? I was so afraid of my ex that I couldn't testify. I NEVER thought he woudl want anything to do with our son, so I agreed to visitation on Saturdays.... it's been a nightmare since then.
But, the one thing that's been a Godsend is this place! I've met the most amazing people and they've held me up like angels straight from heaven. So please remember that we are here for you. We are also in your pocket tomorrow when you are in court!!
I'm sorry I'm not more help. I just know what's gone on in my case and different judges do things differently!!
Sending hugs Suzee
tedebear:
Howdy! :) I'm a step-mom, so I'm not an expert, but I do tend to an an outside and objective perspective in relation to being fair when it comes to custody of the kids.
Based on your post, I would email your EX back and say something like:
EX:
I've been considering your request to visit (child's name) this week while you're in town for our court date. This is a really stressful time for all of us, but I'd like to create a compromise that works for both of us.
Like I stated before, I do already have plans for Tuesday - (child's name)'s grandparents will be in town and it's really important to me that (child's name) gets some quality time with them.
I'm willing to let you pick up (child's name) Wednesday evening at 7:00PM. This will allow my family time to visit and to finish dinner Wednesday night before you get him. I'd like to meet at (name of public place such as McDonald's) at 7:00PM on Wednesday for you to pick him up. I will meet you at the same location on Saturday at the time of your choosing for you to drop him off.
I''m concerned that should (child's name")'s custody go in your favor, that my visitations with him will be limited in the future. In spite of this, I'd like to establish positive pick-up and drop-off habits with you for our child, however the custody is settled.
Tedebear
This is just a ballpark suggestion of the type of stuff that I have to help my husband with frequently. I hope it gives you some ideas and helps you sort things out. I hope the best for you this week!!!
Suzee he has witnessed the verbal abuse but wouldn't know what he was seeing he is testifing for my x who is buying him clothing and shoes this week
He is 15
thank you brumby I will thank you
tedebear:
You're welcome! Like I said, I hope that you'll be able to work it out and hopefully we've all given you some ideas with which you can work.
Since your son is a teenager, you may want to consider including him in decision-making. This can be tricky - since kids no matter what age - do not want to upset either parent. If you think your son may appreciate being able to help make decisions, you should be open with him and approach him as unbiased as you possibly can. Kids, young and old, do well when they are given some liberty but still have guidelines. You may want to say to him:
Son, it's really important to me that your grandparents get to visit you this week for at least a couple days. (Then, give him a choice or choices) Would you like to visit your dad for the first half of while he's in town, or the last half? (or something similar to this question - you get the idea)
Of course once there is an order for the custody, most of the decisions will have to be made based on the order, but sometimes you'll still want to check with your son to find out what ideas he may have in mind. Remember, as the parent, you ALWAYS make the final call though! :) I'm definitely a huge advocate for that! :)
If he shows uncertainty, try to figure that out too, with questions like, "Do you want to see Dad? You seem hesistant, what's on you mind?" etc. You might also want to reassure him that YOU'RE OKAY with him seeing Dad. Being a stepparent, I see this ALL THE TIME in my stepdaughter: she tells me she can't wait to come back for a visit, yet will tell her mom that she doesn't want to come visit. Kids do this to SURVIVE. They have to live in both homes - can you imagine how tricky that has got to be??? Always having to watch their mouths, making sure they don't say or do anything that will set either party off.
I do find it interesting that he is testifying for your Ex. I would be curious to know if your Ex recruited him, or if the Judge did. I hate to see the kids get involved in such a way, no matter which party is "right". Kids hate to be the middle man, to be used, and of course to have to bear witness. They hate hate hate it.
Kids LOVE mom and dad, no matter what the story is. They don't like to see either one hurt, and definitely don't want to cause it.
Brumby, I like your common sense approach for people who are going through divorce. The kids come first? What a concept! You sound like a great step-parent. I like the way you scripted the scenarios for Tedebear. That could work for any set of parents in a high-conflict situation. Kids first, kids first, kids first......
to bad my x didn't think so