Do most of your friendsfamily know about your bulimia

I sometimes feel soooooooooo alone in this journey. NO one except for my ex-husband and one friend who does not live in the city know about my condition and I rarely talk to them about it.

My current signif. other of 4 years has no idea (neither to my children so far)nor anyone in my entire family.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to them about it but I feel they would be HORRIFIED to find out how sick this disease is.... and all the gross areas I've thrown up in ... all the food I've consumed at one setting... and the zillions of $$$ I've wasted. I'm known as the pillar of health around my peers -- what a fraud.

I'm on my first non-b/p week which has felt incredible. I hope to continue and I have to say this site really helps.

Thanks,
Caroline

I tend to feel pretty lonely too hun. I'm sorry your going through such difficult times. Its hard with kids i know. I remember babysitting my sisters kids, giving them and myself lunch and of course my trips to the bathroom. You have to beet this for the kids. I dont have any myself i am too young and would feel guilty if i had any. But i know how it feels. I cant believe how fast my nieces are growing and they dont know how much there aunty goes through. I share your pain.

I too am gonna try and start a free b/p day.. at a time. Starting tomorrow Tuesday. Congrats on the week free, keep it up! That makes me feel good to know. If you can do it maybe i can achieve it as well. Take care hun xx

Caroline, Your words could be spoken from my mouth to a T. I also find it very hard to find people (friends/family) that are able to hear me speak about my issues with bulimia. I imagine it is very hard to understand why someone would make themselves throw up intentionally, spend ridiculous amounts of money on food that is going to waste, and not stop.
As you, I am also the "health expert" of my friends and family and feel like a total liar/fraud when I do the horrible things I do to my body.
I would love to support you in your journey to recovery and look forward to starting continuing a b/p free day today and hope you are as well!

Jamie

Jamie,

I just got your note today. Thanks so much and I would love to continue corresponding with you as well! I guess when I’m in a really awful b/p mode I purposely don’t log on to this site knowing that I SHOULD! :slight_smile:

Anyway, I spent most of the evening b/p. Its awful b/c no one was around today and it seems like each time I get a “free opportunity” to shop, binge, purge (repeated over and over) I do it. Sometimes it doesn’t stop until I go to bed. I know it is so out of control.

I can’t imagine calculating how much $$ I’ve wasted over the years – its insane.

Its really ridiculous that I even b/p b/c I work out consistently and I have a good build – I don’t know if its my love/obsession for food or what. Often I eat a healthy meal and then crave something unhealthy and then all hell breaks loose…

I will try to just take it day by day. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ve seen a lot of people on here relapse and I don’t know how that works since I rarely go a day without b/p to feel what a real relapse is!!

For some reason the weekends always work better for me b/c I am pre-occupied so I’m hoping that I can get into gear.

This has got to STOP before it stops me… it is really debilitating - today especially I felt like this disease is wearing me out – to exhaustion.

Would love to hear back from you. Please tell me you are doing better than I am as that will give me encouragement!! :))

Caroline

Omg Im crying cuz I finally found the courage to join a site where Im not alone. I absolutely relate to everything I've just read. I'd really like to spend more time on this page cuz at least Im truthful here and I'm not hiding things from anyone, not many people know bout my bulimia. I've had it for 5years and its gotten out of control completely. It scares me cuz I cant say no, I keep thinkin about what I'm goin to eat next or if I have been good all morning I feel great bout myself then it all crashes once I start eating. Theres so much more to it, Im supposed to be getting married next month. My fiance is wonderful but I feel extremely embarrassed bout telling him. I'm just really glad I found this site and hope we can all support and help each other back to recovery i know its not impossible but sometimes I cant help but think that. takecare. would love to hear from you guys

Caroline..... we are very similar in how our ed surfaces, I feel. I wonder a lot if I wasn't so healthy the rest of the time... with working out/eating good foods etc how this ed would be affecting my body more. I will eat the most delicious, wholesome food and then immideatley crave sweets right after, it's horrible! That's when I am at my weakest... so, lunch is really hard because I am usually home during this time and alone.... I have really seen this disease progress and just wish I could get it under control.
I haven't been on for a day or so because I was on track and then blah..... screwed up Wednesday and didn't want to write it down..... like you, this has GOT TO STOP. I don't have the energy for it.
Please come to me if you need any motivation or support, whatever! We can do this..... how is your day so far?

J

Happy! Welcome to the group. I'm really new to this site as well and can tell you that just reading posts and seeing that a lot of people feel the same way as I do has made me stronger. It's like I want to be stronger for myself because it feels so good writing that I'm b/p free! Sounds like you and I started with our ed around the same time AND we're both getting married in a month!!!
If you are wanting to tell your fiance and need some advice, I'm here. I told mine (boyfriend at the time) about 2 years ago and it really opened up a door for us. I was always very quick to anger and usually in a bad mood because I had this secret inside of me that he had no clue about. Now that he knows I struggle with an ed (I don't think he's aware that I still b/p but I don't think he understands the urges either) it's easier for him to support me when he can tell I'm having a hard time.

Good luck to you and I hope your day is well!!

J

Thanks so much for that J, being new to this site, I’m still trying to find my way around. But I can say that I am extremely grateful to be a part of this becuase I feel at least I can be totally honest with you all. I know its something we all have in common. I dont know a single person in my life right now that is struggling with it. I feel my life will be on track once I get over this or at start making progress. I am so desperate for help but really dont know where to start. I would like to correspond with you more on this esp with opening up to my fiance. My closest friends dont know anything about it. I think my best friend did suspect and I want to tell her but i just dont know how. She lives in another country now so thats that. My parents know, my mum doesnt understand at all…my dad is abit more supportive and tells me the only way to get thru it is with the support of my friends, family, fiance etc and the people close to me, he belives disclosure is necessary but I cant bring myself to be honest. Its soo gross and embarassing. How much I do it, the amount of food I can consume in one sitting and all the gross places I got rid of it. I get extremely irritable and feel soo unernegized. I need the energy, I cant stand the emotional guilt that consumes me. I waste sooo much money on this awful habit. Its like being a drug addict except that instead of drugs its food, something thats legal and sooo easy to get my hands on. So far so good today, this hasnt happened in a while. Usually I dont last long into my day before I start feeling hungry, so I eat something healthy, its ridiculous cuz after I eat the healthy meal, I think I’ve eaten too much of it, even if that isnt necessarily so, so I think i might as well go all out and eat whatever and throw it up later. I do this alot and always tell myself its goin to be the last time. Anyways, I ate a bowl of salad for brunch, I’m holding up fine, just drinking lots of water but Im starting to feel hungry again…I hope I can do this, if I can get thru today, I will feel like I am making a small step in the right direction. Thanks so much for the support. It really is appreciated

Jamie,

Thanks for your encouragement. I just noticed that my notices from replied messages on this site has been going to my SPAM account. I really need daily encouragement but of course, I am hiding this from my significant other and others close to me so I can't always be online unfortunately.

My most difficult time is after lunch as well! I'll eat the same "healthy lunch" you likely do and then around 2 I want something... anything sweet.... then I feel guilty... and then it all goes to hell. I'll often go out and buy or plot and plan on when I can buy all the foods I wouldn't normally dare eat. Its ridiculous and shameful.

I'm going to catch up on the other posts but really appreciate corresponding to you. Congrats on your future nuptuals!! Keep us posted.

Cheers,
Caroline

hi happy free,

your posting is something i could have written myself. disgust for all the food and the $$ spent and the disgusting places and situations i've gotten rid of it. thrown up in bags and then disposed of it, towels all over the WORLD, airports, people's houses, restaurants, in open areas/garages - i'm sure i was seen on camera??? aghhhhhhhh.

anyhoo, i am going to try to have a good day today. i should be safe b/c i'm with my signif other of 4 years and i don't think i'll have an opportunity to purge.

keep writing - love to hear all the support and encouragement!1

caroline

Happy and Caroline... one thing I do try to do is brush my teeth RIGHT after I eat. This way, the savory taste of my meal is out of my mouth and I'm not craving sweets..... it's at least worth a try! I'm in the process of moving to a house that is on the opposite side of my work, (right now I'm about 5 minutes away from work) I know that I won't really be able to go home for lunch anymore so I'm really excited about this! It's a good way to not be able to eat any more because I won't do it unless I have a "safe" place to throw up.

Happy... I'll message you and we can chat more about the fiance thing!

Jamie

Jamie,

You are going to do great by moving further away from the office. When I lived closer to my work many years ago I also would go home during lunch - its too much of a lure to quickly/easily get rid of food.

By working much further I no longer b/p during lunch - well for the most part -- my problem times are typically in the evenings.

I think you can cut down A LOT by your move. As I often say, a large part of b/p is about "opportunity." I recall when I lived closer to my job and I would have eaten too much during lunch so I'd drive home. Several tims my then-husband would be unexpectedly at home when I needed to purge I would go pretty much nutso -- I'd have to quickly leave and find a random bathroom ANYWHERE, or a field, parking garage, -- to throw up the food quickly.

He knew I had problems with b/p but he didn't know the extent of the illness. Also, he sort of turned a blind eye to it.

Best of luck to you!!

Caroline

This is the key to your freedom! It helps having a place you can be totally open, then maybe you find a safe person you can tell, then maybe a close family member. It helps having a person you can be open and honest with who won't judge you when you slip or choose to use. The goal is to not carry the horrible secret with you anymore.

Caroline, yes I can relate to all you wrote. You pretty much go nuts if you dont find a safe place where you can just bring it up, and I also relate to justme, when I pretty much used to have a full on binge session at home alone and someone would unexpectedly visit..I would get soo erratic and act all weird just cause I knew I had to get rid of what I just ingested. I'm still doing it, I had a good day on Sunday, it usually is good for me when I'm really busy, either at work or surrounded by other people and usually in an environment where getting rid of it will be too much of a hassle and too public.
Im worried though, cause I fear its affecting my health too much now. I have looked up the effects of bulimia especially being long term( which I have been) and Im terrified of all the side effects. Right now my teeth are taking the brunt of my habit. Its in terrible shape. I have a beutiful set of teeth and now I have cavities and have had numerous fillings and even extractions (my molars). Its awfull, I dont wanna be walking around with veneers when Im soo young, granny's are the ones with those.
Im flying to the Gold Coast next week to be with my fiance for about 10 days. I love him heaps. Hes been the most supportive partner anyone could ask for. So patient and just really sweet but I cant face up and tell him majorly because of embarrasment and shame. Can anyone tell me if they have other medical probs associated with this. I also heard you get more prone to kidney and liver failure and heart problems.....

Yes, Happyfree there is a post I think Jenn responded to that has most of the side effects of b/p. They are pretty dramatic which is why I can’t believe I continue to destroy my body like this. I’ll try to find it - it was fairly recent - in the last week.

Caroline

You could be looking at ulcers in the esophogus, chronic heartburn, an epiglottis that doesn't function properly anymore. Of course the teeth. At one point I hemorraged a blood vessel in my eye from the pressure of vomiting. I am wondering if all the vomiting is why I need glasses. I certainly didn't need them before I had an ED.

There is a small part of me that is concerned about cancer in my digestive track because of all the vomiting and acid that wasn't suppose to be moving through it all those years. If perhaps those cells could not sustain all that damage will stop functioning properly and turn into cancerous cells.

another one. New study found that not getting proper nutrition during your formative years can lead to arthritis as an adult.