Do you see that girl? She smiles in front of them, laughing,

Do you see that girl? She smiles in front of them, laughing, forcing herself to feel the happiness. But deep inside she feels lost. Physically she's there, but mentally she's not. She feels lost, because she doesn't know where to go from there. That girl is me. I tried telling my friends. I tried telling my ex online boyfriend who fell in love with someone else, who is also from the internet, but wants to keep our friendship. I tried telling other online friends, but when I see them sad as well, I always find myself making them happy first before telling my problem. Then when they're finally alright, I couldn't bring them down again by telling my problem. I just don't know what to do anymore because I am so lost. I want to get away, away from everything. I want to die and start over as if nothing happened. I want to wake up and pretend all those horrors from my childhood until now never happened. Please, please, I feel so numb. I should be crying as I write and share, but why am I not crying? Why is my chest not tightening? Where should I go from here.

it sounds like being here is a great first step in doing for yourself, caretaking for yourself, and giving yourself the attention you need. You matter, you are important, and deserve respect, and support.