I struggle most with never knowing how I'm going to be in a minute, hour, day, week or month or sometimes It doesn't even enter my thoughts as I really don't care! I dream to be just okay everyday (not normal as what is normal? and I dont ever think I will be that!) but in the next moment I just want to go to sleep and never wake up! For a few minutes or hours (rarely more than that!) I feel like I could conker the world and invinceable and in control and capable of absolutely anything! And the next I can't even get out of bed or get dressed or open the curtains, or answer the phone, or do the school run! The positiveness and good traits and smiles one minute and the negativity and self put downs and the long sad empty face the next! Sometimes and sometimes is my entire life in everyway! My very addictive nature to smoking, drugs, alcohol, shopping sprees, debts and previously sex! I either don't know when to say no or don't want to as have to do it all to extreme or not at all. There's no in between! A mixture of severe domestic violence, lack of time, love care and attention from a split family, to constantly being let down, turned into craving attention and love from a variety of men with very similar traits (the bad boys)with only one person in my life my beautiful nana who has been there for me from the day I was born and still to the present day - Unconditionally! I just want to be happy and give my children the mummy they deserve (not a poorly sad one) Sadly now more downs than ups and for longer periods and a general daily experience that those close to me watch and see everyday! Stepping on egg shells never quite knowing what I will do next and desperately trying to help along the way in the best way they know - but It never quite works! The continuing self blame for all life experiences and the deep guilt that sinks me down. I feel now worse than ever even though my meds are high and a varied bunch - It feels like they make no difference! But how would I know my perspective of anything usually is different and hightened to any others thoughts or views. My interpretation to analyze and disect everything entirely and my perfect high expectations of myself and others - usually it has to be my way or no way! more often than not always thinking your right! Confusing, indecisive, irrationalness, unsurity, unreasonable, highs & Lows, Unknown, pesimism, anger, self-harm, emotionless, hatred, effects on those around!! Life is so complex and I just want so many answers? Does anyone else associate to this or is it just me????
Very well said & I hope you save this for future reference in life or for your kids so that They might learn from a parents point of view how we feel at certain times & conditions in our life...... LOVE IT & please keep writing your thoughts for it IS a lesson to all out there.
Thank you for being YOU.
April
Your more than welcome! Do you know I only joined the other day! But just being able to talk freely about anything to people that understand or in the same situation is extremely excillerating! It’s quite uncanny to read some of the journals - that just seem as if it were my words! I think this is the beginning of something thats really going to help me and hopefully others! I can chat for england (when i feel like it obv lol!) But it seems therapeutic and has given me a happy feeling just get your reply.
Thankyou hope to speak to you again soon xxxx
Roxy xx
Hi Unconditional, I can relate to some of what you wrote. It is a one day at a time thing for me. Life is always happening and one never knows what is going to happen. I work on myself everyday. Each day I take some down time for me which is important for me to be able to restore, renew and refresh myself. I do get offtrack at times. When I do, I have to step back and look at things and see where I need to make repairs. I am powerless over others but not myself. Sometimes, some days it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, waiting for it to pass and knowing eventually it will get better. Keep sharing with us.
It’s very good to hear that you do work on yourself on a daily basis. It’s just not quite a place I’m at yet! And your positivity that underneath you know it will get better is a very good thing too. Keep trying and be strong! and keep smiling!
roxy xxx
A poem -
HAPPINESS IS NOT IN OUR CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT IN OURSELVES.
IT IS NOT SOMETHING WE SEE, LIKE A RAINBOW, OR FEEL LIKE THE HEAT OF A FIRE.
HAPPINESS IS SOMETHING WE ARE!!!
Love that & very true, sometimes people dont really appreciate what raising a family is til they try it themselves (reading your post about 4 kids, thats an accomplishment & very purposeful & necessary) My hats off to you......
I AM my kids MOM, 2 grown boys 18 & 26 & I'm proud of myself =D
April
Hiya April,
And so you should be proud of bringing up to 2 grown boys - being a mum is not just a full time job its 24/7 for the rest of your life! I bet you still worry about them now and in your eyes their still your babies and always will be!
So very true people that don’t have children really really don’t understand fully the difficulties, time, money, attention, heartache, happy times, sad times, worries, pressures and everything else that goes with it.
Also just the simple fact that life is never the same once you have had children - if I want a pint of milk I have to get 4 kids ready and myself just for a pint of milk. I never walk out the door without 1,2,3 or 4 of them. I cant remember the last time I had a shower alone or went to the toilet in peace or was able to have a conversation on the phone that I could actually hear!
You have to laugh really it probably sounds rediculous to thos who havent experienced it - but it does actually resort to those little things in life that u dont do alone anymore.
My husband and I have probably been out together 3 times in 4 years on our anniversary and that was cut short for baby not well and had to come home an hour after leaving.
Your whole world does revolve around your kids which I know is what a parent is - but roxy has been lost along the way i feel pulled in 5 directions for they all want my attention and I just dont have me time and have come very suppressed to fulfill all their needs - everyone needs a bit of me time, and really children should be a part of your life and a very big one at that - but we are also entitled and should have our own adult time and life! for sanity for a break for health and fun!
I like your poem. Welcome to supportgroups!
Thankyou Jacki66
I have many more that I will share I love words and meaningful literature - keep an eye out for them xx
You got it roxy, & it IS what makes life interesting even tho we all need "ME" time too & then one day their gone, spread their wings & fly away which IS what I embraced cause this IS what its about huh. Felt odd at first, like I lost an arm or something, then better now & yes I now have a bouncing 9mo. old grandson, gee wiz, I cant even BLINK cause he might get into something, had to hone up on my skills (started liking the "Puppy Corral" I saw on a commercial HA) sooooo much energy, I love it.....
Totally true, I truely wish I had embraced every second with all of them when very young - I did the best I could taking in consideration of unfortunate circumstances. But with my 3rd child tia I did spend all my time with her and gave her me constantly as I did with all of them but maybe in slightly different ways. But with my youngest who is now 19 mnths nearly I have really really spent every minute just watching her cuddling her playing with her and not missing a moment but really embracing every second and not wishing she was doing the next thing but just flourish with the now and today and Ive loved it and I have done it as my hubby has had the snip and I know I will definately not have anymore. The 0-1 years are my absolute favourite of all totally in my element and as mad as it sounds I still get desperately broody around babies and have all the hours under the sun for them. I know I must have MAD and **** written in glowing letters on my forehead but thats just me and always will be.
But as you said before you have time to blink they will have all grown up and spread their wings and one thing you can never do is get those very tiresome diffcult and beautiful times back again. So far from perfect though I just desperately want to give them the best start in life I possibly can to try and install some good tools and lessons and morals and respect and understanding and kindness I can and obviously as much love care attention and happy memories so hopefully one day they will look back and say "my upbringing was okay and I love my mum and dad" it would all be worthwhile. I will definately enjoy the nana bit as and when and Im sure between 4 children Im going to have my fair share of grandchildren!! more expense, time, heartache and so much fulfillment and happiness!
As I wish so often to have sometime and freedom to myself - I cant quite imagine the feeling when they do all fly the nest and the house is quite and away from chaos and noise and your kinda left feeling unneeded in a sense must take sometime getting used to.
Keep writing thoughts are with you xx
They always come back & we will always be parents huh..... I personally appreciate animals more sometimes they're unconditional & dont judge, simple, its more raw nature, so I'm good w/that HA.......
Very true animals can't talk back and will always be loyal, loving and true to you! xxxx