Does anyone have any suggestions for how to set boundaries or work on problems without complaining or sounding like a victim or bully?
2 Hearts
Oh I wish I could help you but I am having the same issue. I think I am going to try to just stating what the boundary is and leave it at that. If he asks why then I will just state my case. I am tired of whining and sounding like a victim. Not everything needs an explanation and b/c of the line of work I am in it is hard to do that. I will let you know how this works for me.
@Ariel7890 I think it is to much for that at once. At least with MH and then he shuts down and doesn't hear me. That's why I will let him ask for the explanation if he wants and not go into a long speech. I think that is where I lose him. I have to shorten my explanations if he requires one.
Ariel are u the one with PTSD or your significant other? I ask because my husband (who just left me) suffers from it and I think that by me ignoring it it made our relationship even harder. although he never wanted to share any of his feelings with me either, which made it harder
Well, for us it was always a struggle, but over two weeks ago we had a BIG FIGHT and he left me. he is now in his country and only texts me every now and then and told me the marriage was over and that he needed me out of the house. I am devastated. Its not only my fault I know its his fault too... but the last fight was my fault for sure. I only want him to come back so we can talk.... he is hurt, he tells me he hurts a lot, but I feel like im dying. Ive never been this depressed in my life
That is what my friends are telling me, but the house is under his name. he got it through the Veterans. he told me he could look for an apartment if I wanted to stay but the thing is that because I don't want to lose him if I let him move out 1. He will sign a contract and 2. He will hate me. So I'm going to a friends house for a bit hoping that we can talk this out and get back together. also, hoping that once he is back in the house all alone he will miss me and want to speak to me. What do you think?
That's true. but I have also spoken not only to my new psychologist (I started seeing her two weeks ago..that's how depressed I am), but also to his mother and both tell me the same thing. 1. First, he needs to come back and he wants you out of the house because, in his words, if he sees you he will give in (which I think its a good sign). If i'm not out of the house he won't come back 2. Its better for him to experience the house by himself so so he feels alone and understand what he is giving up.
What do you think? I think its a good plan. I just want him to come back. I miss him so much! all I do is cry! I don't want to lose my husband/best friend. I have had time to reflect and know what I can change... but he needs to make changes too... I just hope he is willing
1 Heart
Yes exactly. He shuts down COMPLETELY!
but he has never left like this before. He has left for the night and slept at a friend's house but always comes back, but he has been gone for over 2 weeks and i just want to die!!! its so hard...
yes you are right.
that is exactly what I told him (this is all via text - whatsapp). I told him I was going to look for a place to stay month to month becuas I was not going to take my things with me. I told him I was still wearing my ring and that I loved him and that I wanted to work things out with him. So he is very clear about where I stand and how I feel. But I also need him to feel the same way. and you are right, that is my home.. even if the house is not under my name, it is my home, and I want to be there. But if he needs space and time alone I have no other option than to offer him that... if I push him too hard it will make things worst.
Its just so hard... I have no idea what he is doing back home.. who he is with, other girls.... in his mind we are not together anymore.. and that makes me so sad.... i love him SO MUCH
Thanks!!! I have never done this before. (Psychologist, going to church, joined this online support group, even asked my mom to fly in and stay with me for a few days so I wouldn't be alone). Its all new to me... my psychologist is telling me I'm doing all the right things.. and that I might find out new things about myself... which I guess its true. but its so hard on a day to day basis. I cry about 7 times a day. I don't know how many more tears I have.
Yes he actually told me yesterday he had dreamed I was ok and with a new guy already. if he only knew how depressed I am!!!!
I hope so. thank you ! you are so sweet! I also hope you and your guy can work things out. I hope they appreciate how much we love them and all we would do for them.
1 Heart
hmm.. never saw it like that. You are right :)
Think simple. Pick one issue that bothers you and try and resolve that one issue rather than trying to deal with everything at once. I am 68 and retired and live during the summer in a cabin in northern New Hampshire. I have spent almost the last 30 years educating myself on all of the natural ways that anyone can gain good health and maintain good health without any “help” from the greedy, pill pushing types who run our supposed healthcare system.
I need this too
By natural I mean not a witches brew of artificial, synthetic, Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde crap drugs.
Hi. I recently learned that when the other person is willing to work on a problem too, you can use an assertive technique called a DEESC Script. It's normally written out ahead of time, and is a compassionate and assertive way to make your problems known, and sort of helps keeps your thoughts on a constructive path. Use non-judge mental language, and stay focused on facts and emotions.
D - describe - use facts to describe the situation: "When you said I don't care about you.."
E - express emotion - "...I felt hurt and sad..." (As opposed to "judged" or "attacked")
E - empathize - "...I know you've recently gone through a difficult time, and you might feel vulnerable right now..." (Be sincere)
S - specific - (ask for what you want) "...If you could speak to me calmly..."
C - consequences (or benefit if the other person wants to work with you) "...Then we could explore the problem together and might reach a healthy resolution."
I know this seems like an odd way to approach a discussion, but it removes the triggering language and sticks to the problem and emotion. It also helps you to see it from their point of view, and might diffuse the situation some. It takes practice, but it helps communication stay productive. If the other person responds negatively, try to find something in what they're saying to agree with, then go right back to the script and repeat the Specific and Consequence (benefit)
I hope it helps. It's not an easy situation to be in, I feel for you, but I applaud your effort to communicate more effectively. Good luck.
3 Hearts
@Name hi welcome to SG. Thanks for sharing that is great advice. If you dont mind id like to copy and paste you and add to my post on fighting fairly. They compliment each other greatly 
I like to make my presence known in my fiances work environment. He works as a manager in retail so it's some what easy