Does this ever get easier?

Mental Health Bipolar Disorder
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I found out I was Bi-Polar about 6 months ago, but I probably should have figured it out a long time ago. My relationship with my mom is just starting to get better because of all the outbursts I put her through when I was in jr. high and high school. I am working now and going to grad school. I really look like I have it together to people on the outside, even my closest friends.

I'm scared to let them know when I start to feel "crazy." By crazy, I mean when I get sad and overwhelmed and frustrated...I feel like I can't handle the things in my life that other people seem to handle so easily. Even hanging out with my friends and boyfriend stresses me out sometimes because I just want to stay home and lay on the couch by myself.

I get mad at my boyfriend and sister alot, and every time I get mad at them I second-guess myself and wonder if I really have something to be mad about or if its just a bi-polar outburst. I want to stand up for myself alot but I back down because I worry that they'll think I'm crazy and see the twisted way I think. I feel like I have no one who understands. I don't even want to tell some of my closest friends that I'm bi-polar because I've heard
them make negative comments about other bi-polar people. I feel like they'll lose respect for me, even though I had no control of this. Does this ever get easier?

Lindsey

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it gets easier alright. once u finally learn who u are, ur true interests and those who stimulate u. i'm 46 now and struggled with significant ups and horrible downs (once 5 yrs straight) all because i had forgotten the real me. i'm now stable for 2 yrs w/o meds.

for instance your outbursts to ur sister and bf are probably justified. but when ur depressed u second guess all the time and always feel the jr to everyone else (at least i did). it seems all those leadership and social skills escape us. it takes time and persistence to recover them. trust me.

one question to you is, and i'm ***uming you're in depressed mood, when was ur latest high (mania). really there are many questions to ask. others include, have u experienced the bipolar cycle in the past, how long were ur mood swings, what were you actions during mania and depression.

as i preached on a few other messages, it comes down to lifestyle changes necessary for you to make to adust to the things that really interest you. if you don't think your bf is one ur going to marry, then quit wasting ur time, especially if you're having sex with him. if u can't trust ur friends with bp details, ditch them. i ditched most of mine. my old friends, all they give a **** about is how many promotions they get, how many friends on facebook and whether or not they have the latest gd iphone. buncha phonies. none of them can function unless they're in a group environment. i despise people who run in groups and they're so easy to spot. they're very insecure and shallow outside of their groups. i used to aspire to remain in the group atmosphere, and that caused some of my depression. no mo.

but lifestyle changes is what it takes. plus u need to climb outta the hole ur in through social persistence, financial responsibility and ethical stds. if ur doing something wrong morally, karma will end up kickn ur ***. bottom line. yeah it gets alot better.

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Thank you so much for your feedback! I guess I'm actually in my high mood right now which is why I had the motivation to join this group and talk about some of the things I've been feeling when I get depressed. To be honest, I love the mania. When I'm manic, I feel like I can accomplish everything I want to in a day. I also feel more creative. Where it gets me is when I lose too much sleep and then I start to get depressed. It's almost a full moon so the mood swings are probably coming. Before this, my latest high was about a month and a half ago. I think it lasted a week. I think I have experienced the bipolar cycle in the past (still not as familiar with my new diagnosis as I should be)...I know I've had significant periods of depression and short bursts of mania. Mostly I'll have my life together and then it feels like everything falls on me at once (bills, school work, pressure from job, friend drama) and then I take it out on the ones closest to me by snapping at the smallest things.

Two things you said really hit home. It made me feel better to think that my outbursts are justified. I always thought they were for good reasons, but my boyfriend/sister make me feel like I am completely out of line by reacting as I do. The other thing you said was about despising people that run in groups, care about facebook and promotions...that sounds exactly like the group of girlfriends that constantly pressures me to attend "margarita mondays" (which I always regret, by the way, because alcohol seems to make me angry now that I am on medication). I never thought about it that way, but they are shallow and insecure. They are always needing reassurance from their friends that they look okay and that their boyfriends love them and blah blah blah. I always thought I was anti-social in a way for not feeding into that crap.

That said, my boyfriend is definitely the one I'm gonna marry. We've been together 5 years now and are currently living together. He knows how crazy I can be and loves me anyway. I just think its hard for him to understand the way I can get sometimes. My sister doesn't really understand, but she's family so we're in it for life. I really never thought of getting new friends. Reading your comment made me think that if I can't trust them with who I am and what's important for me to talk about, why am I wasting my time?

I think it is so inspiring that you have been off meds for 2 years! What motivated you to go off medications? It seems like you've been through all of this madness before and it really made me feel better to hear that I am not the only one who's gone through this. Thanks again!

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It does get easier. It took me a REALLY long time, but...now I'm near 5 years stable. I've had no hospitalizations in the last 3 years.

I did interpersonal social rhythm therapy which was SO helpful. better than the meds in a lot of ways.

It's a bipolar specific therapy. Maybe look into it?

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sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things. i will caution you, as u indicated, that alcohol is not good for a bp type. i'm 99% irish and loved to spend days (binge) in the pubs, but finally learned that i didn't need booze or drugs to have fun or be creative. i think those w/ bp tendencies have an upside when it comes to intellect, and its up to us to maximize this without chemical infuences. i took me until 40 to figure this one out. that being said, youtube some of george carlin's clips about drugs and alcohol. in fact, all of his clips are loaded with common sense and of course, humor.

i'm trying to determine what causes ur depression after mania. for me for instance, i would begin drinking and smoking, have fun in the pubs, meet people, get into trouble, sex, get creative, quit my job thinking i had a plan for my own company, then piss it all away. and i would find myself two mos. later jobless, in debt, pissed at the world and of course overweight and outta shape.

in the end, after my 4th hospitalization for mania, i finally figured it out that i needed to make lifestyle changes to become stable. no drinking, no casual sex, no spending sprees, good sleep, eat and exercise were some of the many. for some reason i was also able to put to rest my desire to be like others. so many friends,workmates and family let me down over the years that i was able to write them off quite easily. and, it has given me the ability to perform quick reads that helps me dodge future bullets. i used to give people multiple opptys to make-up for their letdowns, but no more. u let me down once and you'll do it again. i live by the 1 strike and ur out rule.

my personality is the happy, caring, giving type with a mean horrible rude streak if needed. i used to give and give and give which helped lead to the letdowns and ultimate depression. so you can see that the depression is a result of several things that occurred during mania: ashamed of financial situation, loss of job, owning things i didn't need (spending sprees), guilt of sex and letdown of several relationships.

and finally about the meds; i experimented w/ meds from 1984 through 1998. they never affected me other than the awful side effects. i was assured that no pill was going to help me forget all the turmoil i created. and for me, i was right. i am in the process of writing a book about my experiences and how the pharmaceutical companies push their gd meds on everyone, not knowing full impact. meds are good for some, but not everyone, especially when psychiatric drugs are administered many times on a whim.

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one additional comment about ur frustrations, disagreements and outbursts. we all know confrontation is not healthy. people don't change, and if they're confrontational today, they'll be the same tomorrow. so, the idea is to eliminate confrontation. i was in a contentious marriage and i opted out. people talk about baggage, and its true. the people who carry the biggest bags tend to be the most contentious.

an aside here: problem is when ur depressed u think ur the only one carrying baggage, when in fact, ur baggage is mininal once u snap out of depression and make the necessary lifestyle changes to prevent reoccurrence.

bottom line: avoid confrontation at all costs. i have siblings who i really don't see anymore because of this. i had relationships that went sour beacuse of this. most important, i'm a much better me because these people are not in my life anymore. i mean i used to really get pissed off in certain situations: verbally, written messages, phone calls, u name it. things would get better then things would blow up again. that's not healhty for anyone. it's better to separate and change the scenery for good. u'd be surprised once u are weaned from dependence on certain people how smooth ur life can become. u become a true leader and take pride in ur independence. this isn't for everyone, but sure makes a helluvalotta since in my life. gnite errbodda

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Thanks everyone for the feedback. It helps to know I'm not alone :-) Everyone enjoy their weekend!

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LJURGENSEN-I'm sorry for what you have to go through! Is anything getting better for you? I've never officially been diagnosed. I go crazy not knowing, because I feel crazy. I feel like all my mental things aren't bad enough to be diagnosed...that doctors never believed me. How did you get diagnosed? And did it help being diagnosed or no? I am not on meds either. I feel like I do ok, but I am pretty depressed at the moment.

Yes, I think getting to know one's self is such a good thing. I am in that process...hard right now when being so depressed. What have you discovered about yourself?

Hey Alicia-what is interpersonal social rhythm therapy and how did it help?

My heart and love goes out to you!

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Hey Girl
It gets better. I haven't been hospitalized in 2yrs. I'm 21 and have been diagnosed with bi-polar for 5 yrs. I have tried committing suicide many many times and would fight with my mom physically. get arrested. do drugs and alcohol to numb out, self medicate. But i now have over a yr of sobriety. I'm also BPD- and I have worked through a lot of ****. I get everything you have said. Even though I have worked through a lot and those hopeless feelings went away. I stopped working on them bc I though I was all better, a sponsee of mine died and they have returned.I feel the exact same way you do right now. So i guess you have to continue working on these things. It's worth it though.

<3<3<3

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I was officially diagnosed about 6 months ago because I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about 6 years for other medications. Before that, my diagnoses were Generalized Anxiety Disorder (being treated with an antidepressant?) and ADHD (which I still have). It turns out that the anxiety/depression was misdiagnosed. When my health insurance changed and I went to see a new doctor, he asked if I had ever considered that I might be bipolar. Yeah, I'd thought about it, but anxiety/depression and ADHD seemed alot easier to deal with. People don't think you're crazy when you say you have anxiety or depression. So my doctor said he would try me on some new meds and I could see how it worked. Things were better within a month on the new meds. Things were better on the meds, but as far as knowing what was wrong with me..I am still struggling with that. Only a few people in my life know that I am Bipolar. I have told my boyfriend, sister, and one of my best friends. I haven't even told my parents or one of my roommates. I think that if people know what is wrong with me, they will think I am crazy when I am legitimately upset or that they will be afraid of me or not take me seriously. I've heard comments my friends have made about BPD (for example, a friend said she didn't want her son dating this girl because she was BP and had ADHD. Really had to bite my tounge on that one). However, even though I have these diagnoses, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. I am in grad school and holding down a full-time job. Most people don't seem to notice anything is wrong with me. The worst of it hits at home. Last week, I was so manic and I barely slept at all. I was tired at work, but everyone just assumed I was tired from school. This week, I am more depressed. My boyfriend is the only person who really picks up on my moods. I want to keep working on this, but it is really hard unless I am in one of the moods. Sometimes I feel normal, probably because of the meds. How is everyone else doing this week?

Lindsey

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From Mood Disorders to Bipolar Disorder