Doing my taxes means I have to go thru all my stuff month b

doing my taxes means I have to go thru all my stuff
month by month - week by week- day by day-
I've usually had ll myself tuff together ready for my CPA by the end of December if not early January
this year it's march and less than a month to go
I've really put this off for a long time
I think it's time to get it done
and in the meantime I will have this out
so that I can write out what I'm learning
//
so far from the month of January I can see that
1. when it comes to my PTSD, there is no amount of or style of support that is going to be 'good enough' for me when I am in a triggered state because that is the nature of PTSD: I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anything, I don't feel safe in the world. and my life feels in danger. I don't actually need empathy in that space. I just need to be WITH someone. and sometimes I need to be with no-one.
2. when I am in a state of very active PTSD, I am so dissociative that the only thing I can barely connect on is physical touch and sexual love. mentally and emotionally, I am not very congruent and I do not do a good job connecting the way I want to, the way I need to, and the way that a significant other (or family member) needs from me in return.
3. when it comes to planning a future while I am in an active state of PTSD, my desire to be rid of my PTSD and the history that caused it, is actually a very unrealistic state of being to realistically plan anything. this is because the legal system (criminal justice in responding to the cases of crime against me as a kid and young adult) has a time line of its own, and the way PTSD works in the brain works on a time line of its own.
4. when I am in an active state of PTSD, and dissociative, and I am absolutely convinced about something, I can react in ways that are really damaging to those who love me the most. and it can be very confusing and difficult and challenging to know how to work thru things (on their end). it can also be really hard because I dig my heels in thinking that I am successfully protecting myself by advocating something I feel like I need for one reason or another (maybe someone wrote a post about something, or I saw a video talking head, or I just felt some kind of way and it connects to some principle I have in theory).
--> the above four points make me realize that I have to practice more self-acceptance about the fact that I have experienced childhood sexual abuse, childhood physical abuse and neglect, and young adulthood violence. I have to accept these things so that I can practice gentleness with my PTSD and also gentleness with others. the expectations I have during active PTSD are the perfect set up for disappointments. I don't mean in an extreme, all or nothing, throw the baby out with the bathwater type of way. but looking at January 2021 and knowing what has happened since then to lose my engagement to the love of my life, and all... I know it was too much. <--
5. when I am in an active state of PTSD, I can be extremely preoccupied - obsessive, maybe compulsive - with the things that I set my mind on.
6. when I am told it is difficult to know how to support me, or how to navigate my PTSD history with me, I focus more on my PTSD history. I get mad at the person who told me that. // when I am working on legal self advocacy and working with legal advocates on my cases, I get more angry with the system and feel more hopeless and angry with the world. // when I engage in sexual activity, I feel more sensitive to the person I am being sexual with. and I take on their emotions and thoughts as something I have to do something about, even if there is nothing I can do. I also expect them to be more connected with me, and feel disconnected or lonely when they don't seem to meet a need. I feel disconnected for weeks, even if we talk through things. the dissociative traits are so light they're convincing to me that it's logical and something is truly wrong. // when I start to distrust a system, I start to distrust people who are not connected to it as well.
7. I have a strength in being task-oriented and getting things done thoroughly without procrastination, in general. (unless I have an emotional weight about the task like taxes this year). I can go deep into my strengths when I am activated in PTSD, and become impatient with others who aren't able to do put as much attention to those things, or who are trusting me to do those things assuming it's for both of us. when I get impatient, and I'm in an active state of PTSD, I also feel a sense of disconnection in relationship and I feel lonely.
8. when it comes to church teaching, and I am in an active state of PTSD--because God and church are what I heavily rely on to get thru my healing, I feel personally attacked when someone wants to discuss and debate church teaching and theology. I take their resistance as a sign of being uncooperative in building our relationship itself.
//
in summary from looking at January 2021.
PTSD wreaks HAVOC on my personal life. my 'high functioning' performance on the outside fools everyone including me that it was less serious than it actually was. and it was invisibly hurting the most important relationships in my life at the time. especially my relationship with myself.

1 Heart

You are learning so much about yourself and how to nurture the hurt person inside who is just screaming to heal. Hugs!

2 Hearts

@CKBlossom thank you