Doing SO much Better :

This week, I no longer feel trapped with my eating disorder. I feel pretty good. I just had a trying week. This week was much much better though. Yes I had to deal with emotions, but I did it. I have been eating well. No I will not count because that is a road I don't want to go down. I am not following my meal plan either. But I am eating until I am full and multiple times a day. And I promise you its not little amounts. It is good normal healthy amounts!

I know you cannot live happily with an eating disorder. I have said that many times. I know this, I will start acting on it. I don't want to be sick anymore. As in another post, I am going to rip it from the roots. First with my nutrition and staying stable, and hopefully really soon with therapy :) I am determined.

And I can be happy! I have learned that this week. First off I am writing a lot more. It lets the hurt from all the past out. Though I may get rid of my ED and heal eventually, I still need to work it out, and it will always be part of my past. But I need to get it out and stop holding it in.

Second, I haven't counted a single stinkin' calorie all week! Screw em'. haha! I ate what I wanted. I have actually said yeah I could go for a cookie. Or I am hungry therefore I will eat. Such a simple equation!!! Now why didn't I think of that!

I still don't love what I see in the mirror, but as I know from previous recoveries, that comes in time. I need to learn to love myself. I can do it. I only have one body and one life! I can do this! Why hate who I am, how I look, what I do. There is no reason. Someone said today, "If god created me, why would he create me a certain way for me to only hate the way I am?" He wouldn't! I am meant to be x pounds! I am still loved at that weight- actually many people find me more attractive at the weight! I feel better at that weight! I grow wings at that weight! I am actually happy at that weight.

One night this week when I was upset, I had a breakdown and was talking to mike. He said he feels as though he is losing me again. I said I felt the same way. But you know what!? NO. I refuse. I will not lose myself. I want to just be myself! Ana is not me and I am not ana. I am going to get rid of my ED once and for all. I am not going to do this anymore. No more roller coaster rides, no more binging, no more restricting, definitely no purging. What is the point. I want a long and happy life. That is no way to get it by any means :)

oh man, allee i am so proud of you! i am so much! i have seem a vast improvement in you over this week! im so proud of you! and yes god loves you and want you to be you not ana. God gets so sad when we hurt ourselves and hate who we are---it is like--s big slap in God's face! i know we dont mean to do it, but it still hurts God to see the hate we have for HIs creation...

i am very happy for you allee!!! you can do this, and keep it UP!

i am doing the same as you and eating when i like --till im full, eating all through out the day. im proud! still think i need a bit more calories--but hey it s not gonna be perfect at first...it takes time---to get 'there'.

but i will not hurt my body.... and im ma try my darndest--LOL....

im off to --dinner! hehehehe

love
maureen

That is amazing allee, I'm so happy for you :)

Keep going, Allee! :)

Dear friend, it is a long road, but you will make it. One step at the time. Like you said, God created you, and I believe that you are special, therefore slowly and patiently you will achieve your goal. God bless you.