Oh boy...SOOOOO true!
I woke up this morning with hole the size of Argentina (why I picked that country I have no idea lol). Doing the right thing doesn't mean it's an easy thing to do. I have no idea what hit me but it hit me hard and I finally realized the woman I love is better off without me. Not saying I'm a terrible person but it's been a lot on both of us in different ways since meeting and now I just want her to be happy even if it's not with me. She's already met someone else and though she has said "it could never go anywhere and they both know that" doesn't make my heart hurt any less. Last night was tough because I knew they were together and the thought of her looking at another woman the way she looks at me is enough to shatter my heart but at the end of the day it's no longer about me and my feelings. If she's finally happy than I will be her biggest supporter and be happy for her.
d gf your a better person than i. this one relationship that was'nt really a relationship but it was.....make sense.....being the self sot that i was, i broke away from it because if was killing me....the back and forth the yes and then the no and the calls to me in the middle of the night crying about this and that and omg.......at that time this was back in 89, that was the toughest thing i'd had to do in my recovery.....ripped my heart to shredds yet at the same time there was this little itty bitty piece of me way down deep inside that was so proud that i stood up for myself and refused to be used in such a manner.....just thought i'd throw that out there....to this day i think of this person often and hope that they are happy,
I've been saying I love this woman but I think it truly hit me at some point yesterday just how pure/genuine that love is. I held on selfishly for a little while but I realized it was time to let her go. All of a sudden this rush totally came over me and the answer was so incredibly clear....stop being selfish and let her live her life and find her happiness! A friend made a point today, she said, "you did a good thing BJ good for you but also don't forget you're worthy of exactly the same as you've given her. if she doesn't love you or want to be with you than it's time for you as well to move on and find your happiness." Sure that statement makes sense but my heart doesn't shut off that easily. This might sound silly but have you ever loved someone in a way that you'd give up your happines to see them happy? Of course I'd say that about my mom, my grandmom, my best friend, but who would have thought my heart would stretch so far for someone I really haven't known that long? It's funny b/c there's that joke about lesbians second date being a "u-haul" date b/c they always want to get married and move in with each other after a week. I have prided myself not being the "typical" lesbian. I've always made people earn my trust. I never just handed it over. I also never handed over my heart either. As I told her yesterday, she totally took me by surprise. I wasn't looking nor was I expecting her. I met her and couldn't let go even when I knew it wasn't the right time. It hurts b/c I had to say goodbye but on the other hand it's nice to feel this way about someone. It's different from anything I've experienced before. And while yes it hurts to let her go I do have to admit it's also truly a blessed feeling knowing I did right by her. All I was doing was bringing her aggravation. Certainly not what she deserves. We'll be friends eventually it's just going to take time.
Love is such a wonderfully horrible nightmare!!! Blah I am not the one to give advice or even the slightest suggestion of any kind because well frankly I have no clue. I self sabotage my relationships and push ppl away. I then decided to tell ya that I will think of a extra funny joke . I couldnt come up with one or find any good ones. I am battin 1000. But my heart goes out to ya anyway =)
Thank you xoxodonniexoxo!
I'll heal in time. I've gone thru heartache before and I'm still standing so I'll continue to stand even getting past this one. However, I did have some help with some not so good "friends" meaning Mr. Daniels and Mr. Royal! It'll be a new task healing without the help of any mind altering substances but I am looking forward to a new way of life for sure.
Use to be very close w/ Mr Royal myself....We go way back. He is rather good at helping with the blues.....I miss him so =)