I recently finalized my divorce after my wife moved out 3 months ago. She said that I knew it was over for a long time. I must have been in denile because the talk of divorce never came up untill that time. I signed the papers to make her happy. I wish that I had not. I asked to go to counsiling but she did not want to. I always dreamed of growing old together. Now I have nothing. I only see my daughter 1 time a week shortly and every other weekend. She started seeing someone a weed after she moved out. She said she did not plan this but I am not sure how long this has been going on. I am now 40 and feel life is over. Everyone says it will take time but I feel like my life is over and am hopeless. I still love her and want her back. If anyone knows how this feels please let me know.
This is my first post on this board. I just found out three weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with another woman and I am still reeling. I had no idea either so don't feel badly that you were deceived. It happens to the best of us.
Your life is not over. You are 40 and that is really young. Do you know how many women would do anything to have a decent, sincere, loving, non-cheating man like you?
Please don't feel hopeless. I will be happy to chat with you to get you through if you need shoulder to cry on.
I'm going through the same thing, but at 51 years old; after being married 25.5 years. I can't describe the hurt and emptiness I feel inside. We're seeing a counselor currently, but I can tell she is just going through the motions, as the counselor started the session by saying she wanted to see if we could save the marriage or determine whether to just come to a place where we could accept that we don't belong together.
Needless to say, I saw the expression on my wife's face and it told me everything. She recently was caught seeing someone else and my world has been crashing down ever since. Although she said she ended things with the guy she was seeing, I don't believe she has stopped emailing or calling him.
Like you, I wanted to grow old together and watch our grandchildren being born, my son and daughter get married, travel and do everything else together. Saddest of all is the fact that we have been through the tough parts of marriage together and now that it's time to enjoy each other again another person has inserted himself in our marriage. He gets to step in and enjoy the years I was supposed to enjoy with my wife - whom I still love with all my heart.
Dawg and Rick: Sad, but nice to hear from the point of view of a man. You both sound like really great guys who got blindsided by the actions of your wives. Dawg, as for not knowing, don't feel bad, stupid, embarrassed, or whatever. When someone is cheating, they make it their mission to deceive and manipulate. That's how they get away with it. My husband did it to me, and it went on for 8 months. I would never have known, except his ****** girlfriend turned on him one day and called to tell me. I truly had no idea.
Rick: The new boyfriend is getting a broken woman who is numbing herself and her new reality with him. He is not getting all the good stuff that you worked to create. You got that. He is getting a cheater. Their honeymoon period will soon wear off. I know you still love her. It doesn't just turn off with a switch. That means you are human and it is a testament to the amount of love you two shared. I am a firm believer in forgiving one's transgressions. I think your wife will soon regret where she is even more than you are regretting where you are. You are right, the guy inserted himself into your marriage, which says a lot about his character and his value for fidelity.
Thank you all for your comments. I have not seen my ex-wife for a few days now and it does feel better not to see her or have alot of contact with her because it just stirrs up the feelings.
I agree that not seeing them helps but sometimes I want to see him and to be able to see that he has not changed and that I made the right choice. Other times I want to talk to him about our grown children and take him along to see my son who lives out of state. The divorce is not final but almost it seems to take forever to get his lawyer to do anything. I know what you mean about growing old together that was the whole point in marriage you are together and will be there to love and grow old together. Now it is either begin the process all over (which scares the pants off of me) or spend the rest of my life alone. Neither looks appealing at this point. To me it boils down to we came into this world alone as a baby and we will someday leave this world alone but if believe in eternal life with Jesus Christ we are never really alone. He is there to love us, lead us, and sustain us through all of life's trials.
I'm in the same situation as you dawgpta1. I'm also 40yrs and have been married for 20 yrs with one teenage daughter. My wife cheated on me more than once and i don't think i can forgive her this time. I file for my divorce on May of this year and I'm try really hard to move on, But having a difficult time doing so. I can sleep and can't eat and mt world stop. I'm shedding tear as i type to you and letting you know that your not alone.
My Grandmother once told me that there is no pain that will last a life time.
Your grandmother is correct & lean on us as you dont have to walk through this alone friend.
All my strengths.
April
I have separated from my husband of 12 years about 6 weeks ago, I am just a mess. I understand the gentleman's comment about still being in love with their spouse. I have the same trouble. Hopefully, I will be able to work this out, but who knows
Hi dawg,
I do know how you feel. My husband left me for another woman and i was devastated. I still loved him and wanted him back, and I did not think I could survive. For months I was depressed and stayed isolated and alone. God had plans for a good life for me, though, and he provided a way for me to meet a man that shared my faith and with whom I could share and live my life with. We were married and celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last month.
Do not give up hope, dawg. There is hope for you and for a happy life. I know you have to grieve the loss of your wife, and you can pray that you will reconcile. The fact that she left does not mean that you are not worthy of love, however, and I pray that you do not isolate yourself. Try to be good to yourself and spend time with friends. IF you do not have friends, and I know that many of us who get married neglect our friendships, then I pray you keep posting here and try to find ways to make healthy friendships. Are you a believer? Do you go to a church? That is a good place to find friends who are supportive and understanding, especially if you find a good, Bible-believing church. I go to a non-denominational church that is like a family to me. They do not judge me because of my problems, but help me to find healing.
God bless you, dawg, and I pray that you find healing in your life and know that you are loved and accepted by God and cared about by those of us here in SG.
bapearl
After I found out my husband cheated I felt that I couldn't possibly love him anymore. I felt that he must never have loved me at all to do that. We were going through counseling for anger issues (his) and he never thought to mention the other woman. It was just a deal breaker for me because I feel like once he cheated it opened the door to continue to do so. My life is in complete upheaval now. I don't know if I have the strength the find another relationship or if that would fill the hole in my gut. I know I'm not there 100% for the kids and that's not fair. I just can't seem to go on. It kills me that so much on my time is spent stewing about things and I hate myself when I'm up nights because I know he's not losing sleep over this.
Guys, I have been where you are and or the most part stil am there! But you have to step back from the edge. Life is not over! The truth is you have a bright future. Do yourselfs a favor and cut the cord, so to speak. Start living!!!! don't be upset with what has happened, it's "not" going to help you! This is one of these times were "you" have to pick up the peices and help yourself.
This sounds harsh, but trust me you will understand! Myself, well I was a mess at first. I had a choice of moving forward with life or spending $100 on a $50 bottle of whiskey and $50 worth of sleeping pills. I deided to live! and spent the money on an ipod :). I will not allow my ex to rule my future! I will rule my future, and you must too!!!!!!!! There are plenty of wonderful women out there! But now is not the time to be thinking of other's, you must start thinking about yourself!!
Put on fresh clothes and a fresh attitude, you have a chance to be who you want to be from here on out! Life is worth living and ENJOYING!! go for it!
You will be fine !
Frog when I see her she is so happy that she left me. Why do I not feel the same. I was so blind to the fact that she was not happy anymore. I tried to do everything for her. Show her affection, be the breadwinner, go out and do things. Now when I get my daughter something is different between us. She was always daddy's girl and I loved that. Now she is so quiet around me. I not only feel she has taken everything of her away, but also the great relationship that my daughter and I had.
dawg
Im so sorry for what you are going through. i believe its possible your wife was seeing someone before you separated because she seems to be moving on quite quickly. What does that say for her character?
Separation is a process there are many stages to move through
this site here lists those stages
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingandemotionalissue/f/
It may not feel like it now but you will day by day get through this. just focus on you and let your daughter know you still love her and that just because your relationship is over with her mother it is NOT over with her.
Show in your actions to your daughter how much she means to you. your wife is the reason for this chaos.
You have rights to see your daughter. Separation is hard on our kids also. It would be good for her to see a counselor through this time and also yourself.
Focus on you and document all your visits. Document conversations with your wife and any phone calls or e-mails.
I know how hard it is but know that you are not alone and in time things will get easier.
AG
When will this pain stop!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dawgpta, the pain will stop when you turn it off. It's a hard thing to hear but it's true! You have to turn off the hurt and take control. Trust me your wife is hurting also but she is not showing it in public.
You have to take control of yourself. I had to! And it was the best thing I have done in years. I was a stay at home dad running a farm in a marriage for 20 years. I was devoted to my wife & children andwas the best father & husband I could be,but it just was not to be! My wife left & took everything! Today is my son's 15th birthday and I do not know where he is! I have not seen him in 2 months. I have "never" been apart from him this long ever. But I will not let my wife rule my emotions over this. She has tried EVERYTHING to get me to leave the country or leave this life beause it would be easier than going thou a divorce, but that where I'm taking her.
It's hard I know, but you have "no" choice! You have to walk into the fire!
You must be upbeat around your kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Divorce is between the mother & the father! Yoy and your wife must never make it a choice for the children, don't use them as tools (as my wife does) but support them! NEVER talk down your spouce infront of them or even behind there backs! Be above it all..!! It's too east to turn nasty & ******!
Be nice and respectfull, dress nice, look nice, act nice, put a smile on your face and start moving forward, that will confuse the F***** out of her! ANdbefore you know it, it will no longer be an act!
Dawg & all, Soft is correct in that the ones in the new relationship are clueless in knowing that they are receiving/meeting broken people & the newness will wear off shortly & the same outcome will most likely repeat itself as they didnt learn anything about themselves & why they turned away from their partner instead of turning towards their partner for a solution to compromise in the relationship w/eachother.
April
Hang in there. I'm 45 and my husband cheated on me multiple times.. this last time is truly the last time. I filed last August and we are still going through the divorce/custody. It has been a nightmare and many days I don't know how I'm going to get through. I can only take one day at a time and I reach out to anyone or any source I can find for support. I need all of it to get me through. I pray someday this will all be just a bad memory and I will be on my way to peace. I can't imagine when that day will be though...but it will come. I'm so thankful for on-line support groups like this. When I have nobody to turn to, I can come on here and read about others going through the same thing and know I am not alone. Prayers for all of you suffering out there like me. Our turn at peace will come.
My advice: Keep reaching out to friends, here, or in 'real life'. I have two besties who are kind of sick of hearing me whine, they HATE my husband for what he has done and they are not happy with me for not hating him, too. I have been trying to spread around my neediness so that I don't burn out my two best listeners. My sister, a few ex co-workers, the counselor, this site, and self-help books are helping me now. I had my first actual exercise in an effort to not lose it yesterday. I mean I was ready to crawl out of my skin with fear, pain, anxiety, and catastrophic thoughts. I FORCED myself to take a long walk. It helped that yesterday I was out of town and in a resort community with great weather and a hiking path. I live in AZ and it is too hot to exercise outside here, although logically, I know exercise outdoors will relieve a little bit of the **** I am feeling. Now I'm back in AZ, it's hotter than hell, and I'm back on this site, happy to have the support of my online friends. Thanks everyone.
I just feel sad for all of you...just wanting to show some love. I know what its like to have a bf cheat I can't totally relate like you all being married, but all I can say, is stay away from drugs an alcohol...and find some friends that you can always be around, get an activity and join a group.