Dont know if I'm in the right place

Helo everyone,

I am new to this board and believe what I suffer from is binge eating but I am not sure yet as I am waiting on a professional to call me back with an appt so I can start my road to recovery. My lifes story is a long one so I wont go there lets just say i've always had a problem with eating. When I was young I would hide food under my shirt and bring it in my room and eat it. I would hide food under the bed I ate too much too often and it was probably because my environment was wasnt the safest and healthiest. I did that for a long time. When I was 13 I watched an after school special about vomiting after eating and instead of scaring me all it did was teach me how I could do that, too. Bulimia didnt really become a problem until I was about 15 years old I think. Where I started to eat minimal amounts of food and vomit them up. I wasnt really binging at this point I was more just vomiting anything I ate. I lost a lot of weight and kept it off until I was about 21. During those 6 years I didnt put anything in my mouth that was fattening hardly ever. I had control in a sense. I gained weight back when I was in nursing school. I just have this love for food that I cant explain but I wasnt extremely out of control. I started to binge and purge here and there but it was where I would go months without doing it and then I'd do it for a few days a week or two. I was still overweight but it prevented me from becoming extremely overweight. At about 27 I started purging a lot again and I lost weight again but not as much as I had when I was 15 I was still overweight. Then I stopped purging and gained it all back. Anyway, my whole reason for being here is that I have topped out and right now am the highest weight I have ever been. I quit smoking on August 12th and I think that to make up for not having the nicotine in my brain I am eating uncontrollably. It really isnt normal though. I will eat non stop and all I do is think about eating all day all night every day. It consumes my thoughts. I dont remember the last time I really felt truly hungry. I have gained a nice amount of weight in the last 6 months that I couldnt afford to begin with. I refuse to go back to smoking because this would be the easy way out and I just dont want to smoke and that is why I quit. I just cant take the fact that I am a food addict more than I have ever been in my life. I looked up professional help on the internet yesterday and emailed someone in my area so that is a start. I have admitted I have a problem also so that is another start. My problem is I have been pretty depressed since I quit smoking. I have a history of anxiety also. I have never been your normal happy go lucky person and I think that the nicotine could have been masking a lot of what was wrong for a lot of years because after all nicotine is a drug. I feel like I've hit a brick wall in life. I'm petrified to take antidepressants so I dont even though I know I should. When I have tried them in the past the side effects were absolutely awful. I guess I just need some friends who I dont have to hide things from. I'm tired of keeping it all in...Im' sad, lonely and have reached a point where I feel helpless. Anyway thats it for now. Hope to hear from someone...

Welcome to the group, thank you for sharing some of your story with us, I know it can be hard. It def sounds like yoy suffer from an ED and seeking help as you are is such a positive step in over comming it.
I hope u will continue to share and read other ppls stories as you may find comfort this way.