I don't know how to start this so I'll just go. Everyday that I get out of my house online or physically I meet new people, see new or different point of views. Many people think my PoVs are wrong. I think many people's are wrong. Everyone of us seems to live in our own separate reality from one another. And all of our realities seem to be "correct".
I used to think that finding the "true" reality was possible. That if I just experienced life enough, contemplated long enough, studied hard enough I could achieve this. That we all could. I interpreted religions especially as promoting their dogmas as "true" realities. I interpreted all life like if I could just find and follow all the rules I would become "enlightened". Life wouldn't confuse or hurt me anymore.
But it seems to me that there is no rhyme or reason. There is no "true" reality. Not one of our perspectives is more right than another. I saw an example once of 2 boys fighting so the teacher had them stand on each side of a ball and asked them what color it was. One said white, one said black and they were both correct. Each of them was only able to see one side of the same ball at a time and it was indeed a black and white ball.
So many people I've interacted with don't like me. No matter what I do, no matter who I try to be only a handful out of the people I can remember meeting like me or enjoy my company or opinions.
The stupid part, maybe because of my BPD maybe because I am deep down a narcissistic and self-centered person after all, is that when anyone shows that they like me I am on top of the world. I become a balloon inflated with happiness and the feeling of importance. I feel validated and "correct". I want to be important. I want to be liked. We all do. I think I am just either obsessed or starved for it.
So when I experience people not like me, especially when I've recently or am experiencing people liking me... it's like a punch in the stomach. All I can think is, "wait... I thought I was finally doing something right? ...you mean I am still bad and wrong?" The best question to ask myself might be "Why do I feel like I am bad or wrong at the slightest mistake or provocation? What happened or didn't happen in my childhood to cause this idea?" I don't know, that's another topic I think.
And when I feel like someone likes me, I throw open the doors to myself with welcoming arms. I am an open book. I don't gradually learn to like and trust someone like people with successful social lives seem to. If you are on my friends list or in my phone book you are my friend and part of my life. But that sentiment is not reciprocated or welcomed. I'm like a fucking dog. And I think this behavior scares many people off.
I don't mean to. And I don't mean to hurt anyone with my opinions or my words. I don't have a single ill intention when I talk to someone. I don't want to use or cheat them. I don't want any information or bond so I can use it later for my own advantage. When I read about aristocracy or whatever, they seem to have played a game of scheming for advantages, pretending friendships and whatnot for an edge.
Sometimes I say something in a conversation, maybe random maybe not and it seems to me that the person I am talking to is looking for some kind of meaning or importance for why I brought it up. Like I am scheming somehow. But it was a silence filler. That's one reason I admire my brother. He never gossips, never feels a need to fill a silence or express something he feels or thinks. He never says anything he doesn't want or need to say. I wish I could be like that. I still wouldn't have a lot of friends but I wouldn't be making myself vulnerable all the time.
I find it hard to keep everything PC and neutral while being sincere. With out sounding like a robot. Which I'm betting would be worse. It seems no matter what I do I can't "do it right". Whatever "it" is at the time. And even if I seem to have done it right before I am walking a tight rope and mistakes are unavoidable.
And I know it's hard even impossible to NOT make "mistakes" while interacting with someone. It's like none of us really even speak the same language. The dictionaries might have set definition for words but each word has a slightly different feeling/connotation for each of use. We each have our own different lifetimes and experiences affecting how we see the world and not a single one has had the same affect on us because each experience comes to us at different stages in out life while we are in different states of mind. After going through different things.
People not liking me makes me feel like I am worthless and wrong. I know it's stupid and unrealistic. It's something I'm learning to cope with just a lot is happening in my life to make me think on it. I don't really feel like I do or can contribute anything worthwhile to anyone. Which is also stupid because I know I have but it's this handful of negatives that make me doubt everything and forget the good.
I don't expect anyone to read all this or even think anything other than I am really just a pathetic whack-job who needs to get over herself. I'm sorry if you are still reading this and think less of me. I can't write this in my journal because if I know that no one will read it I just complain instead of express what's really going on. Also I wonder if I am not alone in any of this. I'm sorry for what I wrote and I am sorry that can't be more than I am.
