Dont know where to start nor how to go on

when i first found this website it was by pure coincidence. i was actually looking for ways of losing weight despite having bulimia. but then i signed on here and was completely hooked. for the first time in years i wanted to fight ED again. it was great getting all the support and feedback.
but after only a few days i felt it was all too much pressure. i dont feel i have the right to be on here when i'm not as comitted as everyone else.
so after a few hours and days of a bit of trying, i was right back in there. only now, it feels even worse.
organised shopping daily, bingeing for hours and purging multiple times every day and otherwise restricting foods and calories drastically. weighing myself more often again, not losing weight, yet getting weaker and more self destructive too.

i feel so ashamed, so disgusted with myself. my husband is disgusted with me. im so ugly. dry skin, thinning hair, flabby everything, scars everywhere. i dont ven want to b/p anymore, even that is getting harder, but it's as if i'm forced to do it. every day the same, i HAVE to do it.

i dont want to be anymore. but i have to, because i promised my family i wouldnt try to kill myself anymore.

so where can i start? i just had to quit my job, cause im waiting for inpatient in Germany, but i dont know how to last another month, or two, or three. what can i do NOW, while im still at home? how can i stop this b/p cycle? everything seems to hard, im too weak to withstand ED.

Oh Maedi, I know exactly how you feel hunny <3 Please dont feel that you dont belong to be here...I try to be positive, maybe a bit TOO positive on here but at the end of the day everyone has their own struggles...some post about them while others don't. We all have our battles to fight - whether its ED, thoughts of self harm, mental health, depression, cancer etc..the list goes on and on. The purpose of this site is not to cure anyone of their disease or illness...its to let them know others who have been there or might be there understand how they feel...and i'm telling you, I understand how you feel. I too left work and am waiting inpatient care, the wait time - who knows...im also left wondering what to do in the mean time and the answer? I seriously don't know....but maybe we can figure it out together? <3

Love ya

Maedi,
I am not into telling anyone how to recover, but I will share that I have found so much support here, especially when I have been actively bulimic. When I feel as hopeless and undeserving (which is Eds favorite spell), I can come here and find people in all stages of recovery. People who understand and even some who have the behaviors I hate myself most for, in their rear view window.
Please stick around. We need you.
By the way, I'm Patsy, and I recently came back to the board after months of relapse. I was, like you feeling undeserving and lost. I haven't fully come out of the bulimia, I do have some days between me and purging, which feels great by the way. I know I am the one doing this work, but this site is an excellent tool.
Be good to yourself,
Patsy

hello there... i could have very well written most of your text... shopping for binges... wasting $$$, feeling guilty and horrible about it all and the damage i am doing to my health. i just started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago and hope that it can help me. i've been bulimic for almost 20 years! i hate to re-think how much i how much of myself and esteen i have WASTED.

please keep your head up and try to get some help if you are able to. we are here to help on another get through this horrible disease.

i went 2 1/2 days with b/p recently and it was a BIG deal for me. i am hopeful i will have a good day today.

take care of yourself. fighting this disease is an uphill battle but be brave and take it day by day. its not easy for any of us... trust me!!

caroline :)

Hey Gina, Patsy and Caroline,

thank you so so much for being so understanding and helpful, like always :-)
i just look at all of you and think how strong you are to brave this battle. and yes, being on here is definitely a huge help, i just have to use it and not be too embarassed to admit that i'm simply not as strong yet. or i'm not ready.
but when can you ever be ready? i always thought at some point it would have to click, and i could say, yes, now i'll eat and feel normally again. yeah, sure.
i'm sorry that you all have to go through this crap. do you sometimes wonder why or how we got there but you can't even give yourself a good explanation?
i think at the moment i'm just overwhelmed by all those feelings, thoughts, life decisions and circumstances. it's all a bit too much.

you're all awesome, thank you so much for caring and taking time to write.

love y'all!
maedi

hi maedi,

yes, i often wonder how on earth i landed in this position of constant b/p or unhealthy relationship with food. i really just want to be NORMAL. there is not single event that i can think of that would have made me bulimic. hopefully therapy (i'm trying it again) can help out. my therapist said it could be that i just always want to be thinner and have an obsession with food. that sounds like 1/2 of AMERICA though!?!?

i also think i have sort of an addictive-like personality and the classic ED mentality of wanting to be perfect.

in any case, its such a constant struggle to eat any meal without terrorizing myself about it. i hope one day to be healed for good. some parts of me think it is IMPOSSIBLE b/c i LOVE FOOD and eating... sometimes i really look forward to my binges - even though i know afterwards i'll hate myself for it.

just sharing my random thoughts. thanks for posting.

xoxo,
caroline

i feel in the exactly same position. i never went through any trauma that may have caused me to turn this way, but yes, basically since i was a baby, i was a super perfectionist. nothing is ever good enough for me, if i have reached/achieved something, i have to raise the goal. for me it’s all or nothing, i do not know intermediate, and i do not know how to accept. those are the two main things i have to learn, and the biggest being to accept MYSELF! scary!!

Maedi, I am not strong at all....I have had the roughest few days I have had in a long time....i engaged in purging, over exercising (for me to actually say i over exercised must really mean i seriously over did it) and restricting...all in an effort to do what? Lose weight. My ed has been terrible....
Please don't compare how strong you think you are to how strong you think others are...its just as i said...not everyone voices their low points.

oh my darling, believe me, you ARE damn strong. yeah, maybe you slipped, but mentally you didn’t give in, you’re still fighting it, you’re still looking for ways to get out of this. a few down days don’t make you a failure, or make you weak. Gina, you’re definitely persevering. simply ask your ED if it likes you being on here seeking advice and support? hell no it hates it because it knows this will make it weaker and in the end crumble.

i’m not sure if this is right, but it seemed to me when you set those goals it really helped you because you had something to hold on to, somethign to achieve. i know, especially now, after having to give up work, it’s hard to focus, but try to use your work energy now for yourself. you schedule work, right? so now schedule your day, plan it a bit, creat some nice things for yourself and show that stupid Ed what you’re made of!!!

i’m here for you
maedi

maedi,

i am sorry you are at such a low point. i am very glad that you had the strength to post such feelings. whatever your reason for posting it, it was good you got it out of your head. when we stay trapped in our head with only our thoughts, we become sicker. when we voice those thoughts, they are no longer trapped in our head. they may still be there, but you can find ways to get help releasing them from others or even your own positive mind can now help fight them. but they must get out of your head first.

sometimes i don't feel i belong in these rooms because how much i weigh. i am not activity into ED as much as some others and i feel sometimes i am not as sick as some others so why am i here. i come because it helps me to offer encouragement and support. i come because when i feel weak or like giving up, someone comes along and offers something that makes me smile and i feel better.

Scarlette

Scarlette, i don’t think there is such a thing as a severe or worse ED. it’s an ED and that’s the end of it. it sucks, it destroys our happiness and nobody should have to deal with it. and whatever you’re going through makes you unhappy and distraught so you deserve as much help and support as anyone else.
i guess we all just have to realize this, we’re here for each other, it’s only down to ourselves to ask for and accept the help :slight_smile:

We all belong here. ♥ And yes, we're all in different stages of recovery. I arrived on this site accidentally, too, just shy of the lowest point in my disorder... I was struggling with soooo much. Feeling powerless and confused. I hated myself, and I hated the way I was living, and I knew that there were better things OUT there, but I didn't know HOW to get there... So, I took a chance. I opened an account. I chose the name Hopeful because I hoped to find help, health, and healing here. And I HAVE. ♥

I think the beauty of this site is that it offers us a way to reach out to others that really GET us, without feeling as vulnerable as we would in other situations. It's great that we can be ourselves, express ourselves just as we ARE, and we are not only accepted, but appreciated. ♥ There is real healing through forming connections with others. Learning how to be open in our "real lives". Learning to take care of ourselves. Learning that doing so is GOOD and RIGHT and we are WORTH it. :)

Recovery is not a linear process. That was an easier concept for me to understand in theory than in practice... I could see, when others wrote, that their slips did NOT make them horrible people. Their struggles did NOT mean they weren't trying or weren't worthy of getting better. Their pain did NOT mean they were destined for a life FULL of pain... I could SEE HOPE for them, even when they couldn't see it for themselves. And when my own slips, struggles, and pain had me spiraling in a soup of self-doubt and depression, and I couldn't see MY own worth, there were others here that COULD. ♥

Bit by bit. We are healing ourselves and OTHERS. :) Keep writing. Talking. Reaching out! :) There IS hope. ♥

Love,

Jen

Jen,

what you just wrote is absolutely beautiful and so true. isn’t it weird that we can always advice others so well, believe in them and hope for them, yet we can’t give that to ourselves? let’s remember what we would tell everyone else on here and tell that to our mirror!!!

thanks a thousand time to you all!!!
xxx

Hmmm Maedi, it would appear that every single word you said to me in your reply above I could say right back to you and relate it to your situation also <3 We are kinda in the same boat...you are a strong women and i know deep down you believe it <3

Hang in there,
Love ya lots

yep, it's always about knowing logically what we should do or think and what we would tell others in the same situation, yet never being able to apply that knowledge to ourselves. man, humans are screwed up :-)
but seriously, we have to try to support ourselves as much as we support others, we have to accept who we are just like we accept anyone out there, ED or not.

xx

I love what you just wrote maedi, its all so true <3