Don't really know what to say

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Hi, all.

I'm not really sure what to say in this post, but I've been struggling and could use some support. So here goes.

As I believe I mentioned, I'm now out of the infirmary, but I'm still going in three times a day to eat my meals there. Snacks are on my own. It's been useful to have the structure and support, but I've still been struggling. Struggling with urges--restriction, purging, exercise. Struggling with really morbid, negative thoughts about self-harm and suicide--very vivid, intense, and disturbing. I thought about staying in the infirmary again last night, and I would have--except that I didn't want to leave Maeve. (I love that cat so much!) :-)

I feel ashamed that I'm relying so heavily on outside support right now. I feel like I should be able to stand on my own two feet, and I need to learn how to do this on my own. I can't go on like this forever. After all, I'm an adult now (well, legally, at least). Shouldn't I be able to handle this? Shouldn't I be able to sleep in my own bed at night? Shouldn't I be able to eat a darn meal on my own? I feel like a moron.

I also feel like I'm letting the ED win right now. I'm eating, but the ED is kicking my butt in my head. (Okay, that sentence sounds kind of weird. I just mean that he's controlling my thoughts) Also, I've been sneaking in some extra exercise, and I have to admit that I've honestly been trying to lose weight. I guess I'm just scared that if I maintain when I'm struggling like this, I won't be able to get back on track.

*Sigh*. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. Half the time I don't know how I'm going to pull through. This SUCKS! And on top of that, it's getting in the way of my schoolwork. I spend my time on here, meal planning, looking up nutrition facts (yes, I'm guilty of that one as well--a LOT), and exercising. Even when I sit down to do my homework, I'm too fatigued and too distracted with ED thoughts to be very productive. And I'm also feeling seriously depressed.

Sorry to write such a downer of a post. I just need to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Vero

2

Please don't feel ashamed for asking for support, help, guidance whatever you want to call it. I have been battling this evil disorder since I was 8 years old. I am now 32. It has gotten better. It is a very long and exhausting journey, however, I will tell you that it is making me the person I am today and I can tell you I love the person I am today. I am proud of the person I am today. don't expect yourself to be perfect. You will not succeed. Infact, part of the problem is this idea of perfect eating, perfect exercise...the compulsive thinking we do to ourselves. As far as your suicidal thinking. Have a safety plan. Never be alone if you are feeling suicidal. Get help immediately. You sound as though you are in the hardest part of your disorder and you are getting help. Congratulations. I also hear in your voice that you know when you need to get the help which is great. Some poeple cannot recognize when they need help. I know that compulsive and strong need to eat, exercise, purge, etc. Do your best. Make small changes each week. What is one goal you can accomplish this week? Focus on that. Like everyone has been saying, relapse is part of the path unfortunately...it is how we learn. I know for me I am tired...I am tired of obsessing...I am tired of my constant thoughts about food and weight....I am tired of worrying about it. I find that it helps to help others. It makes me feel good and strong. It gets me out of myself and thinking about someone else. It also helps me to learn that what I look like really isn't that important compared to what some other people are struggling with. Remember, your brain tells you things that aren't true...part of the disorder. getting better means learning how to think differently and restructure that old thinking that is so wrong. I wish you the best of luck and am glad you are talking about what is going on. I know the guilt you feel and talking about your guilt will make you feel better.

3

This is a process, and we all need help doing what seems like simple things (eating) because recover demands that! It's like wearing a cast for a broken bone...you wouldn't take that off before the bone was healed, would you? Taking away the structure or support (whatever is helpful), before you are ready is dangerous and self-defeating! You can do this, please don't give up!! HUGS...Jan ♥

4

Vero, my dear,

Do not be ashamed of needing outside help...I sometimes wish I could be in a program like you so I could just have everyone make the decisions for me until I felt ready to be on my own.
As for the suicidal and morbid thoughts. I've been there hun. I self-harmed for a couple months and I'll tell you it only made everything worse, even though it relieved my mind for a short period of time. I've had the thoughts lately too. Very vivid...the urges so strong. So, so strong. The only thing that holds me back is John. I've made a promise to him and I just can't give into it. It would break his heart. One time I was having a bad time late at night/early morning...I had very strong suicidal thoughts. He rode his bike all the way to my house in the dark and cold to be with me and sit with me until the thoughts were gone. Then he ended up just sleeping over...so to give into such thoughts...I just couldn't do it.
Depression is a hard thing and is very common with eating disorders. I'm on an anti-depressant for it myself, and over the spring had to increase my dose. Have you mentioned any of this to anyone? It would be a good idea to.
Also look at the triggers that set these thoughts off. Is it when you restrict? When someone upsets you? For me it is those things, and if I don't get enough sleep. I actually started cutting as a distraction from binging and purging. But now I know that is certainly not the way to deal with things.

Your mind is a very difficult place to be, and the thoughts it creates can seem so right at the time. But think long term Vero. What do you want tomorrow? A week from now? A year from now? Do you still want to be in this place? Unhappy for so long? I don't. And unfortunately it means letting go of all my old and dangerous habits (I say unfortunately because, as you know, it is very hard to WANT to get rid of them and very hard to do when we've relied on them for so long).

Read
Write
Draw
Take walks (relaxing ones!)
Listen to music
Take a shower or bath
Have a tea
Meditate
Clean
Talk to someone (you can talk to me, message me and I'll give you my e-mail so we can go on msn)
Post on here
Distract!

You can do this my dear,
You've come SO far from where you were...You are SO strong

Lots of love,
Paige xoxo