Donut

Hi, not really sure what to do here. I am 44 and going thru a painful divorce.As I am sure they are for us all.
Does anyone have any advice on how to cope, when your wife has moved on and you are lost?
I have two beatutiful girls who mean everything to me.
This is so hard, I cannot see life beyond this.

Help!!

Hi Donut, I am so sorry for what you are going through, though I think that it is essential to take this time to work on yourself and help yourself through this so that you can be strong for your daughters. I am sure that you are an amazing father, though it's key to work through this in a healthy way. Have you ever thought to seek therapy? It can be especially helpful at this time.

May I ask why you are feeling lost? Did this divorce catch you off guard or something that was long coming?

As well, take it one small step and one day at a time and you will come out of this stronger and better then ever before. We are here to help support you through this.

Thanks for your message. I guess I am feeling lost because my wife is all I have ever know for the last 26years. I cannot comprehend life without her, and certainly not her being with someone else. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated and have I am ashamed to say taken it out on some of her clothes. That is not me, just this situation.
I try to be the best father I can, I love my girls dearly, and having been thru this as a child, I am aware of the damage it is doing to them.
I have tried to be a good husband, and though I have made mistakes, I have never been unfaithful to my wife.
It seems to me to be double standards, when she accuses me of so much, and then goes ahead and does exactly the same and more with an old ’ friend ’ of ours.
I just want things to be back as they were, but as another obviously knowledgable friend reminded me, they never will be.
I am trying to focus on things I have always wanted to do, and as such have recently started motorbike lessons. Well, at least if it doesnt cure me it may well kill me!!
I appreciate your support, it is ood to know that there are people out there who care, and understand what I am going thru, rather than being given advice from people who know nothing.
Unfortunatley, my wife is accepting the latter.
I will try and keep going, it is in the hands of solicitors and other higher beings, so hopefully what will be will be, and all will be resolved.

Hello Donut,
I feel the pain you have.
Same type of situation as you have boy and girl 8&10
First do not blame yourself you did not ask for this you where dumbed into it.Everyone has not been saints we all have faults but the diffrence is we were willing to fix our faults when the other does not.The pain does go away with time.Do yourself a favor when you are with or talking to kids do not bad mouth the other half in any way.It will be very difficult not to beleive me but in the end they will love you even more and releise what has happened.This may take years to happen but one day they will look the other half in the eyes and say how much they hate and feel towards them.You may feel lonely but everyone here is for you when you need to talk.Focus on your kids they will need you more now then ever,they did not ask to be in this this was dumbed on them to.Also focus on yourself.
Have faith things will get better.

Zimmy

Donut, I can imagine how difficult this time must be for you, because it is a huge change to adjust to. Though, look at it as a beautiful new beginning. Right now, life for you is anything that you make of it. If you can focus on your girls and yourself, then all else will fall into place. Your wife has made this decision for herself, and very unfortunately we can only control our own actions and not that of others. You know what a good loyal husband you were, and thus so many waves of good Karma are coming your way. I know that you will have so much love and fulfillment in your life.

Try taking it one small step and one day at a time, and you will get through this so positively.

Thanks for the positivety. I joined this site unaware what to expect, and yet I have received so much support already. I guess it’s good to know I am not alone, and not the only person this is happening to.I havent been the perfect husband, have really struggled over the past few years to provide for them as I would want to.
I lost site of my marriage years ago, and although nothing happened, I wish now that I had been able to talk to my wife as a husband should, and not find others to talk to.
If my wife was reading this now, she would not believe me, but that is her perogative.
If I could turn back time I would , but I am not sure now that I would want to.
I will get better, and whilst I am not looking for love anymore, I am sure that somewhere in this mad world there may be someone who will allow me to love them.
Until then, with the help of people like you, I will be strong, take everything that is thrown at me on the chin, and grow into a better human being.I will be the very best father I can be to my girls, and good riddance to anyone I mistakenly thought I was a friend, but has chosen to take sides after so many years.

Mr D.

Hello Mr D,
Welcome to this site! There are so many supportive people here and we are all gald you haave found us. You will become an asset to us all i am sure. Continue sharing, it will help you to get your feelings out.
I as weel am going thru a similiar situation. Married 25yrs plus and now my husband decided to destroy my entire life. I thought we would be together till death do us part, but I was sadly mistaken. I live with a stranger who is just buying his time till it is financialy convenient for him to leave. How heart breaking and how I also envy him that he can just turn a switch and say "sorry doesn't matter what you do, I want out" He wants out of something that most men would kill to have. Not to toot my own horn but my 2 grown kids and ME are a blessing to him, he should be honored to have us. I am so ambarressed and ashamed that I let my walls down and got closer to him in the last 2yrs, only for him to say.... Nope sorry I am done being married.
I have no other choice but to move on and I just pray everyday for the strenghth to do so. Im sure God is doing this for a reason, because I have not been truely happy for yrs. I have begged and told my story to my husband a thousand million ways to tell him how I felt. Just tiny things is all I needed to make both our lives happy. He just stopped though one day and never has looked back. I tell him I am so ambarressed as others say do u not see he has someone else?
he still sticks with no that is not the case. I don't even know which is worse.
Sorry for rambling on so much about me. I had good intent to just be here for you and offer my support. Somehow though, I get carried away with how fresh it is in my own life.
Maybe we can be a support to each other. Know that u are not alone and if you want someone to talk to I am here for you.
Hope I did not scare u off and that I will hear from u soon.
Take care of you!!
Hugs,
Lily

Hi Lily,
I am so sorry to hear your experience. I to thought that it was forever. But 4 years ago I made a mistake by trying to be someones friend.
Now everytime we row, she reminds me of my weakness.I truly love my wife and my girls, but sadly she no longer loves or trusts me.
This is just not fair! I am one of those people who gets caught up with other peoples issues and try and help if I can, ufortunatley that freindship was betrayed and now I am losing everything.
Over the last 12 months, my wife has become close with a mutual friend. Although he is 80 miles away, they text and talk daily, and he seems to be able to say all the things that I once could, and make them sound right.
I am now at a point where I can say , YES, this is over, and although it is painful, I know it will be ok.
I am not looking for love anymore I have lost faith in that side of life, and I am gutted that my wife seems to have rediscovered it so easily, even though we are not yet fully divorced.
I went through this with my parents, and always strove for it not to happen to me, but I guess life’s like that.
Lily, If you would like my help and support, I am willing and ready to give that to you, and maybe we can come through this together.
I understand that you are miles across the ocean, but I have long arms, and a willing ear.
Take care of you and yours, keep smiling it will be better just around the corner.

Donut x

I recently divorced after a 32 year marriage. My husband had adopted my 2 sons but he never really cared about having kids which I didn't hear until recently from him. We have 2 fabulous grandchildren and needless to say my hopes and dreams feel to pieces. He had multiple affairs during our marriage but he felt like those just be left in the past and not any part of our current problems. I think he destroyed my faith in him and eventhough I forgave him for all he did to me I think I put up a shield everytime I thought he may up to something again. He never could understand my concerns. I love him and after 30 plus years it will be difficult but I know I need help and I hope this helps.
Ellen

Hello Donut
I know where you are coming from as far as the other moving on with someone new right away.Mine left every weekend did not tell me where she was going left me with kids which she never did before.I found out about her boyfriend through the phone bill.This was all before I filed for a divorce.I did everything in my power to save the marrage but she was not.Beleive me she was talking with this guy on the internet for a long time.She even told me that her whole family knew about him.She has taken our children out to stay there on the weekends for 4 months now.She has been out of house since August.It was the last straw for me when she called one of her sister right in front of me and told her she has a boyfriend and deserves him.Forget him and concintrate on your kids and yourself.She will get hers I firmly beleive that.

Zimmy

Sorry to hear your story, until this sort of thing happens, you dont realise how many others are going thru the same or similar. It is really helping me sharing my story with all of you, and hearing that I am not alone.
I to believe that what goes around comes around, I just hope that when it happens, she doesnt getthe girls involved and messed up again. Once is bad, but twice is …

My girls and myself are now number one, and whilst I am trying to be amicable, I am looking forward to moving out at the end of the month, and doing the things that I and the girls want to do, when we want to do them.
Take care
D

Hey Donut, I must say you've already come a long way in processing, focusing & reflecting on yourself which will serve you well if & when your ever ready to embark on another relationship later on in life. Your making very wise decisions on behalf of everyone surrounding this situation, especially your girls as they will retain how their father dealt so well & stayed focused on them too & is proactive in their lives instead of complicating things w/just meeting up w/someone else, as alot of people do in life cause they dont take the time to look within for answers & find out later on that its wasnt the best choice. Keep talking w/us when you feel like, we're listening.

Take care of you friend.

April

THanks for your support. Somedays it seems like I canmake it, and other days I feel like I want to leave this life.

I wish I had someone close I could talk to , hug sometimes when I am lonely, and cry with when I am lost. Someone who doesnt judge me.

Oneday, oneday.

D

You will not beleive how much your girls will love you and share their lives with you.Just do not say anything bad about her or ask them about her and him.Try to leave them out of any argument the two of you have.I myself feel 100% closer to my kids now then ever before.Try avoiding her in person.when kids call me I do not ask questions.I let them talk sometimes it is short and sweet other times there is long talks.Just go with the flow.

Zimmy

In my situation I discovered that kids are very smart. They will see who is the problem.Who is being the negitive force in this situation. If you are supportive and kind they will see that and be there for you as well.

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