Downward Spiral

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

I am new here. I am pretty lost on what my next step should be. Here is a little on where I was.

I’ve been moving to a couple of new places in the past 4 years, I felt my appearance was not what it should be. I became a vegetarian and runner. This has since spiraled to not eating and running. I have lost a good deal of weight.

2 months ago I started going to a therapist, my work had thought something may be wrong with me and set up an appointment. I went, and was honest. I eat once a day. I passed out twice. I live off caffeine to keep me going. I run daily. She said I have an ED. I never really considered it before.

Now my mind has been even more twisted. I feel as if I am eating less while trying to eat more. I have started throwing up unintentional after eating a few bites. But I would try to finish what I was eating. This has happened three times in the past week. It has me flustered.

I live by myself in a city where I know few, and the people I do know, don’t really know me. I live in a false front with the people I know here, I tell them how great everything is and try to keep my issues my issues.

My family has recently realized what’s goin on, only a couple friends know. None live anywhere near. I stopped going to therapy because she is not near me anymore. My work had me in the main office while I was seeing her and now I am back to my home, many states away. I was given someone to see by her but have yet to call.

She thought there was a severe issue, I kinda agree, but at the same time I think I should be able to get through this now, I know something is wrong, and I should be able to beat it. I am starting to doubt myself.

My closest friend (an ex gf) says I have serious ED issues and need to keep talking to the therapist, and possible move back home to get more support. I do not really see it as an option, moving home that is.

I am not sure what to do anymore, I’m not sure why I’m here or what I’m looking for. I just don’t know what to do for myself. I will go days where I eat twice a day, those days I feel like I need to run that much more, I feel that much more bloated. So I go back to once a day, and that once is forced because I know I have to eat.

2

Hi....thank you for sharing! I agree that this is a serious problem, and your best action is to find a professional who is experienced in the area of eating disorders. The likelihood that you can 'do this' on your own is very small. This is not about strength or will power, but it's about a real, potentially fatal illness that prevents you from seeing reality.
Please get help and continue to share....take care, Jan ♥

3

W,

Welcome to Support Groups. I agree with Jan... Knowing that one has an eating disorder is an important step, of course, but recovery from one is NOT about strength... It's not even about knowledge... The development and maintenance of an eating disorder is about so much more than knowledge or strength could hope to combat. And we CAN'T do it alone... There's no shame in that... But now that you know... What will you choose to do? I hope you'll continue to reach out, and to seek professional help regardless of where you're currently living. :)

Jen

4

Welcome friend,

I agree with Jan, you need professional help. I know you want to do this on your own, but it's so hard...especially in the place that you're in. Your ED is too strong.
It's really important to get 3 meals a day..passing out is a bad thing and not normal. I'd recommend even going to a dietitian as well to help you see that. You'll feel SO much better. Honestly. And you WON'T get fat. I promise.

Keep posting and stay strong,
Paige xoxo

5

Thank you all very much. It really helps! I have looked into going to group meetings and to see if that may help. There is one Thursday i am strongly considering attending.

I keep getting told its too much to take on alone and I need to accept that advice. There always seems to be an excuse of why not to do something though. I have started to look for a therapist but i am never sure who i should select. That's what i mean by the excuses.

If i am living alone, in a place where i know very few people, is it possible to recover? Should i tell people? I have no idea how to handle this. I feel like i need to keep it to myself, that its not others need to know, or want. But i also read that that is the ED trying to keep to itself and get stronger. Sometimes i feel like it has complete control over me.

My old therapist recommended someone in my area but i have not called. For some reason i feel like this person wont understand me. Why.. I have no idea.