My vacation with my family is scheduled in a few months. I KNOW it's too early to think about it but I'm dreading it.
I won't know how many calories are in the food, I won't be able to weigh myself and I won't be able to exercise like I usually do. I'm worried about being in a swim-suit because it'll show off my body and I - don't - want anyone to look at it because I feel fat (is that even a feeling?). But I know my parents will make me get in one.
What am I supposed to do? I *have* to go on this vacation - there's no option.
I haven't been diagnosed with an ED but I kind of know deep down I have some issues with eating. I don't really want talk to a doctor/(school)nurse/teacher or anyone about it because well.. I'm not sick enough as I'm at an ok weight in accordance with national guidelines. Also I feel like I would be.. losing control, I'd be weak. I'm just jabbering on something that's completely un-related, sorry.
BUT my question is - do you have any advice on what I can do?
Hi Takano, the good news is that you have a few months to work through this and feel great about going on this vacation. Let's start working on getting you there. May I ask what your eating habits are and how you feel about food?
This is going to sound perhaps a little complex so I apologize for that in advance. By eating habits I guess.. I eat normally in front of my family because they would suspect and the last thing I want to do is to bring attention to myself. But in my mind, I keep thinking that I will instantly gain weight and I don't want to eat the food.
My parents pressure me to eat more food and I hate it when they do. I feel like they want to fatten me up. I do eat enough, so I don't understand why they pressure me to eat more.
I'm only able to fast for a limited but substantial amount of hours in the day once a week before I have to eat -- again because of my family. It involves skipping meals and chewing gum to stave off the hunger cravings. I'm not proud of this but I have lied to my parents - my mother particularly - about what I have eaten or not eaten. They just wouldn't understand if I told them the truth.
I don't binge or purge -- because I don't have the desire to binge and I couldn't purge if I wanted to anyway (but I admit I have had urges to well, to do so). Again, I cannot have my parents suspect at any cost.
I'm not sure if this is related in any way but I exercise regularly to lose weight. I am slowly losing the weight but the loss is so small that you wouldn't even consider it to be a loss. I think it is worth noting that I've doubled the time I exercise in a week. If I go on vacation, I won't know if I've lost or gained weight (I'll most likely gain weight because of the food there).
I don't know I feel about food. I know it should be the fuel for the body and nothing more but I feel like food.. makes me gain weight and I don't want to gain weight because it'll make me unhappy.
At the back of my mind, there's a "voice" that tells me I could stop all of this if I wanted to -- that I only need to stop when I reach my ideal weight.
I hope that's enough information although if you need more you are free to ask. Sorry about the lengthy comment, I wanted to make sure I included some details.
Thank you in advance, and I'll check out that website you gave.
Welcome Takano...I can't diagnose you, but I do know that you describe a situation where you are not eating normally, nor are you feeling free with eating. The focus in dominating your life. That in itself is enough reason to seek help! This could escalate quickly into something very dangerous, if it isn't already.
The fears you describe are understandable, and many young females have the same fears, but if they are so strong that they prevent you from living your life FULLY, that's a problem.
What I am getting at is, you DESERVE to not live in fear, or shame, or be controlled by these body/eating issues. PLEASE seek help from a professional, and begin to work NOW on these things so that you have the best opportuntiy to live freely!!
You 'need' to exercise to compensate for eating is also a red flag.
I hope you will continue to share, and that you will seek help as soon as possible......Jan ♥
But the thing is.. I don't think that I am "ill enough" to seek help if that even makes sense. There are many people who are underweight and have EDs who seriously need help more than I do. Some other half of me is saying that I am just attention seeking and just a "wannabe." That I am different from other people. That I could stop all of this if I wanted to, it's just that I don't want to yet, not until I'm at my ideal weight. I wouldn't blame if you didn't understand, I barely even understand it myself. It changes so much - it's critical at times yet sometimes comforting.. If that even makes any sense.
You say that if the fears are so strong they prevent you from living your life, it's a problem. But my fears don't really prevent me from living my life. I'm still able to be who I am and do what I wish. Right?
I'm not sure I'm being controlled by this - I'm in control.. right? I think I can choose to stop it all, it's just that I don't want to.
I'm not sure of anything if I'm honest. You might think I'm crazy or delusional but I strongly do not want to talk to a trusted adult because of two things: 1) My parents must NOT know and I know whoever I talk to is going to tell them. Or if I do get "help" they'll know. And 2) you might think I'm stupid but I am afraid of health professionals and what they could do (e.g. hospitalize you, make you do something etc).
I'm sorry about this, I seem to be a huge mess. It's like there's two sides - one who encourages me to lose weight - and another who tells me to stop it or it's going to get worse. It's like a battle.
I don't even know what I should do. I don't mean to bring anyone down.
I don't think you are crazy, but I do think that you could be experiencing a fuller life. You DO deserve to get help. Too many people wait until their health is so compromised that recovery is much harder and takes much longer.
I know very little about you clinically, but please don't doubt your worth. Whatever you choose, please don't give up on seeking something better....take care...Jan ♥
I'll echo what Jan said...these concerns about eating are well beyond what can be dealt with in an online chatroom. I encourage you to seek some professional support.
Hi puppy, thanks for asking. I'm not really sure on how I'm doing or what I'm feeling. I think I'm doing ok, but about my feelings probably not so much. I know I shouldn't obsess my weight so much but I felt I was even more overweight when I gained (most of which I have lost). But everything is ok. I appreciate your support.
Takano, thank you for the update. I am sorry that you are still not feeling so great. Have you thought at all about any type of treatment; whether a support group or therapy?
I can't admit I have a problem. I'm also doubtful as to whether I have a real problem, despite already being told otherwise.
To be truthful, I've wasted yours and everybody's time and energy. There are other people who are more willing to be more receptive - both here and in real time - than I am, so I think it's just best for you and others to focus on them.
So thanks for the support and advice you all gave, I really appreciate it all and take care of yourselves.
Takano, you are very important to us here and you are never ever a waste of time. I am so happy that you are here with us and I would love for you to keep sharing. If you are not ready for treatment yet, let's work here slowly but surely. How does that sound?
Hi, Takano. You don't need to be sick to need help. You don't have to have be the neediest or the most injured or been through the worst trauma to deserve support. You are not wasting anyone's time. Life's tough and everyone needs help sometimes. That's not weakness. That's part of the human experience.
The thing about EDs is that the sickness is much worse inside your head than in your body. If you're stressing about having to eat without knowing calorie counts or having access to a scale or being able to excercise for week, that's a sign that you are developing an ED. It would be great if you can confide these worries with an adult in your life. If you have a school guidance counselor, he/she might be a good choice.
Jen, you really said/put it best, thank you so much for adding such wonderful clarity. Takano, I really hope that this helps and that you know how valuable you are to us here. Please keep sharing.
I appreciate your efforts Jen and puppy.. I really do.
The thing is, I *know* I won't seek professional help. One reason is that my parents cannot find out under any circumstances. And because I'm underage, I can't risk telling anyone in case the person I tell will tell them, even with the confidentiality agreement.
The other reason is that I can't ask and accept help. I can't just surrender my control to other people who are going to take in the reins as it'd render me vulnerable and basically exposed.
So that's how I know I won't seek help. I know it would mean maybe my situation getting worse but until I am of legal age, I'll just have to wait if I want to go.
But honestly, I think I will be fine. I really do genuinely appreciate your concern; there are other people like I said who are willing to be a little bit more receptive to your suggestions and advice than I am.
Takano, you're concern about reaction is valid. Sometimes people don't handle these things well. But a lot of times they handle it better than we expect.
The whole point of a confidentiality agreement is so you can get help without the risk of your parents or anyone else finding out. The only exception would be if there was literally a difference between life and death. Do you have any reason to believe that they don't take confidentiality seriously?
Interesting that you should mention control. EDs are often rooted in feelings of being out of control. You can't control the world around you but you can control how you treat your body.
Have you ever looked at the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty? They have some great info about body image, how we're subconsciously influenced by media, and how that can impact our self-esteem.
http://www.dove.us/#/cfrb/girlsonly/default.aspx
I hope you're feeling better soon so you'll be able to enjoy your vacation.
Takano, I totally understand your fears, though I agree with Jen in that there is a confidentiality agreement that should give you peace of mind. As well, the Dove Campaign is brilliant....great suggestion Jen!
Please know that we will help you through this and hopefully help ease your fears. We all deserve help, we all deserve a better life....and I really want that for you.
I think it is interested that you dont beleive your eating disorder is controlling your life. You don't want to go on vacation because you won't know how much you will weigh or the calories in the food you will eat. That means your thoughts about food and your body is affecting your every day life. It is not normal to not want to go on a vacation because you can't weigh yourself for a few days. Trust me, it gets worst. Don't become bad enough that you become one of those people who "seriously need help." I understand your embarrassment to tell others about your ED, Im the same way, but you need to help yourself them. Start with admiting there is something wrong, do some research, and come up with a plan. Change now. It will consume you
I was maybe considering going to see a school counselor in 5 months. 5 months because I start a new school by then and I heard that there was someone there who could perhaps help. I'm starting to think it is a problem so I guess this should be resolved.
I'm not sure if this is too long. But it's better than not seeking help at all, right? I don't think my eating habits will get worse in 5 months so it should be fine.
I really appreciate all of your help - it kind of opened my eyes and consider other options.