So, my mom suffers from severe bipolar II and PTSD. I also have bipolar II in addition to my eating disorder. (We also share symptoms of OCD). At any rate, we're very close--enmeshed, even. We're working on that aspect of our relationship, but of course we're not quite there yet. Here's the thing. We both get a lot from our closeness. We really enjoy spending time with each other and take a lot of comfort from the fact that we can discuss things about our conditions that a lot of people just don't "get" (although she herself doesn't "get" anorexia!). However, I feel like we pull each other down, too. She, of course, feels very responsible for me and blames herself for screwing up my brother and me (my brother is also bipolar and a recovered anorexic/bulimic). And because of a lot of role reversal that's occurred in our relationship, I'm constantly trying to take care of her. I know that's not healthy, but I don't really know how NOT to do it. I just worry about her so much, and I want so much to be able to help her. I just don't know how to handle the situation; I know that worrying about her, trying to take care of her, and feeling guilty about making her feel bad because of what *I'm* going through certainly aren't helping me at all in my struggle. And I'm pretty sure that worrying about me and feeling guilty aren't helping her any, either. This is one of the reasons that it's so difficult and so triggering for me to be at home. Add that to a house that I associate with my disorder and a father who means well but REALLY doesn't "get" it, and it's a fairly combustible situation. Any thoughts on how to navigate all this relationship junk?
Wow, this is quite a complicated situation ... I can only imagine how hard it must be for you! In my honest opinion, I would suggest family councelling or family therapy. While I fully support one-on-one therapy for serious issues like an ED, especially when theyre in the critical stages, I think family therapy or councelling can be super-beneficial too. Regardless of what started your ED, there is no doubt that the environment we live in and interact in on a daily basis contributes to our life experiences and the tuings we go through. There could be aspects of your family relationships that are contributing to or maintaining your ED. A family therapist can help you identify these relationships and restructure them so that they no longer contribute to the problem and instead become conducive to recovery. Personally I dont think enough attention is paid to the contextual factors that contribute to an ED, and family are one of the biggest influences in our lives. So maybe you could suggest it to your Mum and see what she thinks? From my 10 years of going through psychotherapy, CBT, drugs, group therapy and family therapy, I found family therapy the most helpful in my recovery.
Just a suggestion, let us know how you get on :-)
Dear Simone,
Thanks for the suggestion! We’ve done a limited amount of family therapy through the inpatient programs I’ve been involved with, but I think you have a very valid point about seeing whether we can continue it beyond that. I’ll keep you updated about how it goes!
Vero
Hmmm...I like Simone's suggestions :) Family counseling would be a stellar idea! That way everyone can express how they feel and hopefully understand everyone else too.
I also am in sorta/kinda a situation like yours. My mom suffers from depression, and while my ED was developing and over the years while trying to recover, she would always have really intimate conversation with me. We kind of broke the mother-daughter barrier and it was more like I was her friend. She also discussed A LOT about the horrible financial state we were in...which granted I wanted to know, but at the same time scared me shitless. She also bashes my Dad a lot...she's even told me she doesn't love him anymore....Then I would comfort her while she cried, and I often worried about her. She also blames herself for my ED because of her poor body image and these discussions; and I found as I went into my most recent relapse, I have pushed myself away from her in hopes to stay "safe". It's worked for the most part. We don't have such deep conversations, but we do fight a lot more :\ ...though at the same time it's really helped me to see the type of person she REALLY is...and it's not always the nicest.
My dad, is much like yours. He doesn't get it. Though, he's too wound up in his own problem....he's an alcoholic. He's always been the kind of dad that I go to if I want things, but never spend time with. Never told him anything.
I basically feel like a tenant in my house now, and constantly triggered. I'm just stuck here till I have the money to move out. I wish that I could do something to fix the bonds between my family so we could all be happy, but I think it's too far gone now...and, well, I'm not really sure if I want to try? I don't know. Perhaps when my mind is in a much better place.
But alas! I have gotten off topic from my point here: try to fix this relationship you have. Help bring your family back together (but don't feel it's your sole responsibility). Plan fun activities, movie nights, day trips. TALK to each other and be nice. Family is a really important aspect of anyone's life, and they'll help you be stronger if they understand.
I wish the best for you, and let us know how things go!
Paige xoxo