Sometimes I think I am doing well, and other times I feel like I am giving in to the twisted thoughts that are running rampant in my mind.

Since I have been gone I have gotten married, got promoted to manager at my job, moved into a new place, gotten extremely sick, stopped talking to a lot of friends, started back school, and pretty much have begun to really want to engage in my ED.

I see my nutritionist tomorrow, and I know I have gained. I see my therapist Friday, and I know I am not doing all that great mentally. I mean, depression wise I am a little better. No thoughts of suicide or self-harm...but the thoughts of engaging in my ED are really strong. I forced myself to eat three meals today. They were all balanced, serving sizes were correct, and it followed my MP. I just don't want to do that anymore.

I haven't seen my nutritionist or my therapist in a month. I guess it is time to start back.

Going to watch a movie with my husband now---I will check back in later.


Hi Ashley

I know just how you feel, I kinda feel like Im on the backwards slope myself, although I havent had as much change in my life recemtly as you have.

When we go through big changes, things like moving house, a new job, a change in family situations its not uncommon to feel as if life is getting a bit out of control. Some theories suggest that EDs, especially anorexia, are based around the desire to gain a sense of control back in what feels like a discruptive period of our life. We do this, though, by focusing on our weight, food, diets and excersise. By controlling these aspects of our lives we feel like we have control over our WHOLE life. The unfortunate irony of this, however, is that often the ED uses this attraction for control and turns it against us, and ends up controlling US through the lies, rules and punishments that surround ED type behaviours. Frin this comes a downwards spiral of trying to gain control of an increasingly uncontrollable addiction.
In saying this, though, you are probably already aware of these theories. What might be helpful is to take a moment, step back, and assess what it really is in your current situation that is leading you to need the ED and its behaviours back in your life. Because, at the end of the day, its not really about the food and the weight is it? Its probably more about your recent marriage, job promotion, moving house and isolation from your friends.

Life is short and here to be enjoyed, its not supposed to be an endless struggle. Take action now before you get sucked into the ED lies. You deserve LIFE.

Hey Ashley, first off congrats on all the new positives in your life, must be an exciting adjustment period for you. That being said and though you may feel elated right now, ed sometimes shows his horns most when all seems to be going well. So what if you gained? What in all hoesty is the WORST thing that will happen? I've been gaining for 5 weeks and yes I hate it but its not killing me.