Eleven weeks

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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1

i'm too exhausted to forage for an appropriate commencing quote.

writing has been difficult for me the past few months... not just in this venue but in all others also.

quick summary:
i am in the midst of my eleventh week at an eating disorder clinic. the *roller coaster ride* [if you will] has been most extreme. i naively believed that once i entered treatment that BEING IN THE FACILTIY ITSELF would *solve* a lot of personal issues for me, that it would end all *contact* with a lot of the ****ed up behaviors in which i engage. ****. when am i EVER going to learn that nothing will really change with me unless i DO SOME HARD FUCKING WORK? it's never going to just *magically* happen. tears.

update:
yep, eleven weeks. eleven weeks of being the oldest misfit here... of having issues with food for 30 some years. eleven weeks: and i've still never said outloud that i have a chronic eating disorder. instead of working toward accepting and being able to SAY that i have an eating disorder, i somehow was able to work really damned hard at continuing to retreat, continuing to engage in disordered behavior, continuing [as my therapist said to me] to have one foot in the disorder. i have lied. i have broken many rules- rules that are in place to not only protect ME from myself but are also in place to protect the integrity of this group-based program. on the other hand, i have worked VERY hard on the tasks that were ***igned to me.... i am ashamed, however, to admit that most of my work has been very surface-y and that i have been unable to really SEE myself because my reflex is to avoid, shut-down, play games, or just ****ing lie. fabulous ****ing modus operendi.
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last week was truly an all-time low for me. surprisingly, it began a turning point that i can truly FEEL. my ability to understand some of the COUNTLESS concepts that have been overly-explained to me COUNTLESS times has grown and matured. i have a clearer idea of how these concepts apply to me specifically.

confession: for more than half my time in this treatment facility, i have impulsively jacked with my cals. i have knowingly lied out of complete devastation and confusion. i have unknowingly lied due to reflex. i premeditated a recent weekend of ditching many cals simply because i felt i needed that respite--- and i knew that i could PULL IT OFF even while IN a treatment facility. i was put on monitoring and was STILL able to orchestrate ditching many cals. realizing that discharge would be THE WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME, when confronted, i confessed.... was drug-tested.... and failed it.

i was given an ultimatum [rightfully so]. get it right or be discharged. do the work or go home. **** or get off the pot.

pretty pathetic. something in me panicked like hell. i was able to scramble around and put into place all the protection i needed. it was painful.... but i proved to myself that i CAN do it. it's about ****ing time. i know, right? pathetic.

so presently, i am stuck with trying to figure out how to either continue with this momentum or with how to re-create this *on the line* feeling so i will CONTINUE to work for true recovery. i need to figure out how to get that foot and KEEP that foot OUT of the disorder.

truly, my sisterhood, this has been hands-down the most difficult experience of my life. the emotions that get stirred during such a vulnerable time...when i posess little if ANY appropriate skills to try to cope... this is truly an earth-shattering, very frightening process that i was NOT expecting nor was i prepared to experience.

fortunate does not even BEGIN to describe me at this point. if i had been the staff, i would have discharged my hopeless *** and not wasted eleven weeks on someone who can't even abandon their behaviors while IN TREATMENT. i am grateful. i am a bit hopeful. i feel insulated and protected from myself. i FINALLY feel that i have a voice.

this week, i am dedicating my entire time to that voice. i am FORCING myself to figure out what it is that i need to SAY.... i am pushing myself like hell to talk and to really FEEL. did i mention that this is the most difficult experience of my life? yep, it surely is.

thank you for you reading-eyes and for your p***ive support. i hope to one day write on this site from a completely new perspective. i hope to share stories about getting to the *other side*.

much love, my sisters....
namaste-
amy xo

2

Any treatment it is not an easy task to complete, it takes an effort, determination and patience. You went through a lot of emotional process. Have faith and you will succeed. Take care of yourself and God bless you.

3

Amy....what you describe is not uncommon. Even though you made the decision to go into treatment, and you thought you were 'ready', it's not that simple. The work you have done, albeit messy or seemingly a waste of time, is valuable. You could not have learned what you know now, had you not walked through all of what happened the last eleven weeks. I would guess that you have learned a lot, and you would not have been able to see what you can now, had you continued to stroll through....you know?
In my humble opinion, every single day of your time in treatment has been necessary for you to reach this place.
Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this. It's vital that everyone know that the process of recovery is not a clear or linear one.
Love you....namaste...oxoxo

4

Amy,

What you described reminded me of my intreatment many years ago. I was given the ultimatum after spending one week in treatment though. Either get with the program or go home. I choose to stick with the program but if I really think about it only worked through "things" very surfacely (if that is even a word).
And so here I am some 10-15 years later still with my ED. How fucked up is that!!!!!!
I send you all my strength and love to continue to struggle through this. Use the time (really use it) who cares what anyone in the program thinks of you because they are either in the same boat or they are the ones there to help you through it all.
I pray for you and all the sisterhood everynight Amy!!!

Love you....namaste.....
Shana

5

Amy

I know truly how difficult this is and i can also admit to lies in treatment and playing with calories etc etc...Was forbidden exercise but well lets just say somehow I fit it in. Im sure you are not the only one who has cheated the program so to speak. I have been where you are ...I am not completely on the other side yet . I am where I am and that is good enough for me.. Its a continuous process an ongoing one. But I can proudly say that I have stopped my major behaviors..the scale does not control me as strongly as in the past . In fact it has been months since I even stepped on a scale BIG accomplishment for this girl!! (Warrior) :) It takes time to find out what we are capable of..it takes time to apply what is given to us to .....it takes time to conquer each behavior one at a time some easier than others.
It takes time to accept that this IS what we need and it takes time to accept ourselves , our defeats and our accomplishments. I am still learning the process of self acceptance.

I hope you can truly apply the tools you have been given to FORCE yourself to say and feel what you really are feeling! It Takes time to realize how much inner strength we posses inside of us.

LOVE AG♥

6

so honest. so core. so real. simply put.... i love you. AND i love you for sharing all of this!! It brings me back to my weeks in treatment... my lies... my torment... my 'safety'... and here I am on the outside desperate for someone else to take over control and keep me safe from myself and my disorder.... but all I have is myself, the tools I've been given and the honest support I can find here.

much love to you Amy. You are one hell of a fighter! I can't wait to read your book!!! (because you know, with a writing style, talent, energy and story like this.... IT HAS TO BE TOLD!!!)

HUGS!

LA

7

I am so proud of you. I was so terrified that I LIED to get out of going to treatment. I lied to my family, I lied to my therapist, I lied to my employers, and I lied to myself. I have not struggled as long as you have, but I admire your strength, perseverance, and your HUMILITY! I was the last one to realize I had an eating disorder. And that is a truly difficult step.
hope and love to you
Abby

8

it takes a village.
i am most grateful for this village.

it is late, my sisters, and i am exhausted. another painful day of eating, thinking, feeling, and TALKING. but??? you will never guess what i did.... from the stories i've told, i know you're trying [sheepish grin]. by realizing that if i don't find my voice that i will get through this program without working through what i REALLY need to work through, i initiated a *processing* [yep, hate that word- but i'mmmmmm using it anyway] group- and [wait for it.....] i t-a-l-k-e-d. no way, i know, right?

yep. i talked in front of the entire group and said that i have been waiting my ENTIRE life for the PERFECT SEGWAY in order for me to *share* how i feel about some things that have happened to me. i have been waiting that entire timeframe for someone to ask me the PERFECT QUESTION in order for me to give an answer of how i have felt about those certain things.

guess what? there will never beeeeeeee that perfect segway or question that beckons me to answer the specifics of how i have felt in those loathed circumstances.

so.... after explaining that: i asked: how DOES a person just *bring up* something so personal, sad, painful, and RANDOM ????? and then- i just started talking. i pushed myself as hard as i could to get some words out of my mouth. i prefaced it by explaining that by pushing myself, i might sadly become void of emotion. but low and behold: i cried. i actually allowed a little of my bubbling hysteria to escape. once i started crying, though, it was pretty difficult to stop.

but i DID IT. i found my voice, and i brought up something RANDOM that has been hurting me for a very long time. i spoke honestly; i cried; and i was able to STOP crying.

and here is the part that i was NOT expecting:
although i cried and felt pretty weepy for the rest of the evening, it somehow felt.....
g-o-o-d. i know that's a simple and overused adjective....but it just fits so well for the time being due to the fact that it IS the polar opposite of bad. and i have been feeling very badly for a while now.

my little experiment not only worked a little magic for me, it got the group talking in a way that i have only seen once since i have been here.

again, i am grateful to be here. i am grateful for the honest and supportive staff. i am indebted to my therapist. i adore her and wish that i could have done better more quickly for her. i know it's about me.....and for me.....but this woman is one of the most amazing women. her compassion and patience with me are truly a gift.

when given the gift of a compliment or compassion or kindness, i tend to swat it away. presently, i am learning to let go of whether or not i deserve this gifts and to accept what has been offered to me. the gifts that my therapist gives so freely and unconditonally to me will stay with me until the end of time. deserving or undeserving: it doesn't matter to me. i am holding on for dear life and grateful for the opportunity to receive these gifts from such a prodigiously fascinating woman.

good night, sweet sisterhood. many thanks for checking in on me and for writing such thoughtful, kind responses. tomorrow is a new day- and i am reaching out to accept the gift of this new day with an open heart and with an eager soul. i've been gifted the tools. it is now time to USE THEM.

namaste
amy xo

9

You go girl.
You give sooooooo much inspriation. I think I am in the same boat that you found yourself. Waiting for that "perfect moment" to unleash my thoughts / feelings about horrible circumstances. I still have not been able to push myself through to TALK openly yet.
Again, you inspire me.
Keep up the strength my friend.

Hugs
Shana

10

Amy: I haven't been on the site for many months. Just checked today and saw this.
I am soooooo proud of you and I am crying at the thought of the strength it took for you to get to this point.
YOu are always in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless you!!!!

11

I have been missing your updates. I was trying to push through. However now realize that I have been feeding the lies to get around and please expecations. Your thoughts are well written and do truly represent so many. I am proud of the tears. They are hard to let out but seem to sew a hole closed many times. They heal and make you feel better. Tears have come but not fallen out of my eyes in a long time. It is amazing that such small drops can do so much. I will cintinue to pray and check on you. You are doing awesome. Please be proud of yourself.
JA