I have pretty good success right now with the weight loss plan I am following.
But I have had a few times that after having an emotionally charged conflict with different family members, I am triggered into self-hatred and shame.
These are very intense episodes that lead me to feeling worthless and like I am not getting better in any area of recovery....codependence, enabling an addict, eating sugar and eating in a way that resembles self-harm like cutting. I don't cut, but I understand how a person feels the pain of worthlessness that they could do that to relieve the pain. I do it for that reason.
It's a totally different reason for binging than just craving some sugar. It is done to prove to myself that I am bad...a disappointment to everyone, that I can't do anything right, and that I actually want to get out of everyone's way. Thoughts of suicide go through my brain it is so strong. I will never act on that.....but the shame opens up my brain to let those thoughts in.
I am not like one person who mentioned eating a candy bar around 30 minutes after just having one. I will buy 6 candy bars, and eat them all very fast, and all at once. I actually measured yesterday, and I was finishing one by the time I had driven from stoplight to stoplight for a mile in town. Then I would get another one immediately. I ate all 6 by the time I got home.
Does anyone else do this? I even wish I could throw up, but I don't even like to do that when I'm sick. And I know to be grateful I don't have that eating disorder. I am not shaming anyone who battles that....I feel the same self-hatred with this.
I hate myself so severely at times that I punish myself this way to prove to myself how worthless and pathetic I am. Please help with responses if you identify with me.