this is my first discussion.....
So i'm tired of talking to psychiatrist & doctors because theyre either just in it for the money of they are scared to just hand out prescription drugs & I'm tired of it...I feel like I know what will help me, but they don't want to listen...they just wanna put it off on someone else to prescribe it...
I'm 20 yrs old &, I grew up in a small town in Alabama. My dad hurt me so much at a young age. I feel like I really never had a father.
I use to get beat with a leather belt like every week, but it really started with one incident...
At the age of 16, I use to be friends with a bisexual guy i went to school with. We were always strictly friends, nothing more, but he always made me laugh. Well, being the conservative, controlling parent he was, my dad forbid me to hang out or even talk to him. Well I refused & my dad snapped. He literally chased me down & threw me on the ground (keep in mind I was a 16 yr old girl maybe 130lbs vs a 53 yr old man 250 lbs). He repeatedly beat me in the head (probably so no one could see any evidence) until my little sister ran & got my mom. everyone was screaming & I was in shock. I didn't know what to do at that young age. I tried to call the cops, but my mom wouldnt let me because she didnt want her children taken away. They literally hid every phone from me... BTW I've seen him hit her also... but All I could think about is 2 more years & I'm out of this ****ing place. I've never been good enough for my dad or anyone else. & Ive tried to forgive him, but it hurts when you want to forgive but you can't, especially if they aren't going to change.
2. I had a boyfriend from dec 2006 to september 2009. We didnt trust each other the whole time we were together, so idk why we kept it going so long. Maybe because he was also controlling & thats all I knew...idk. He was my first....I did everything for him....bought him an $800 flatscreen, we collected over 150 movies. I was always the hardworking one who dideverything. I did start staying at his/parents house after I graduated bc technically I was still living at home because I was playing JUCO Volleyball on scholarship.I decided not to play volleyball the following year & we moved to florida together & i paid his rent bc he couldnt find a job....He never had money. While living in Florida, I found out he'd been talking to his ex (they broke up 3 yrs prior & she is married & has a kid). He swore on my life that he didnt talk to her after I confronted him & of course he lied. So after arguements, he told me that he thought "itd be best" if i moved back to bama....so I did the next day...**** him. After we broke up I found out he'd lied when he told me he was a virgin when we got together...I wasted so much time & money doing things for him & not myself....he also blocked my number & blocked me on facebook..which kinda hurts, even tho we have moved on....
3. Then I started dating a 28 yr old guy while I was 19...he was more of a security for me bc he owned his own business & had money...but the downside-he was an alcoholic. Which i didnt mind at the time because I loved to drink too...I tried adderall for the first time during this point too...which I didnt really like bc it made me feel like **** the next day. But anyways, one night we were all out at the bars & when we got back he passed out, but his 'friend' raped me....in front of another man & woman also having sex (the man was cheating on his wife---his wife was my boss). I filed a police report but they never called back, so I didnt take further action mainly bc I felt everything was my fault....& the man wouldve testified that my accusations were false because I told his wife what he did....they are divorced now...
Also during this time I was on lexapro & trazone...
4. THE next day, I moved about 30 more miles away from that town to focuse on school. My ex bf had a friend that I knew I could get weed from because I was so stressed out..he lived 100 miles away, but still drove to see me several times....A couple months later, I also got a precription of adderall (which has helped me tremendously with my depression & grades. I also picked up the habit of smoking cigarettes.....I stopped taking lexapro. I tried numerous drugs over the course of the next few months...oxycontin, roxycontin, loratabs, klonopin, xanax, extasy, cocaine, methadone, suboxin (& probly more I cant think of) on top of weed & adderall. I dont regret trying new things, but I recommend never trying something you dont know about or NEVER mixing drugs you're unaware of...& the thing that got me was oc...It was the most amazing feeling I could ever feel, it was my drug of choice, however it was expensive ranging anywhere from $40-$100/80mg pill (street value)...I haven't done it in a while tho...I don't believe I was addicted to it, but I loved the feeling bc it made me forget about all my problems.& I hate it now bc I always think about it...
Anyways, the guy that came to see me is now my boyfriend of 10 months. He's the best thing thats ever happened to me, aside from exposing me to drugs. but I dont think he really wanted to. We lived together (or i stay with him in a very nice place near an awesome college). I play volleyball, I'm a waitress, I go to school 5 days a week...It's just so stressful. So now I'm prescribed klonopins 0.5mg & I tried to go to the doctor yesterday to get him to up my dosage, but all he did was give me twice of what I had...& referred me to a psychiatrist. I know that 2mg klonopins will help my stress go away, but since Ive had history of depression they wanna put me on some kind of ssri anti-depressant/anxiety, but that **** doesnt help me. i dont care if its less addicting, you HAVE to take it everyday & the seretonin inhibitors just make me feel weird....Ive never told any doctor about my past with drugs just because I dont think theyd prescribe me anything. but I truly need it. I just feel like giving up on life sometimes...or school even tho i'm getting it for free, but I do have to wake up @4am everyday for practice which has taken a toll on my body, habits, school, & work...I feel strapped down. & like I'm not going anywhere. I just wish I had a break, a doctor or friend who understands me, or just a little encouragement. I haven't seen my family in about 3 months. i dont even know them, but everytime i go home it makes me want to do hard drugs to get all the stress away...I just want to be happy & I feel like the only thing that controls my axiety & depression is about 2mg of klonopin & 20-30mg of adderall daily
I'm sorry so long, I had to let this out to someone...