Hi! Hoping everyone is out there having a good Saturday.
I have been estranged from my sibling for 2 months. . . the 4th time. The other times, they shut me out for 1-2 years. 2 years ago it was for a few months. The difference is that I used to be the one to always reach out and try to mend the relationship. It’s not happening this time. I am exhausted. I accept responsibility for anything that I ever did, I’m not perfect, but this time (and another time) it was because I gave them a suggestion. Once, it was because they asked and they got livid. This time, it’s because all they ever do is complain about my parent, and it’s putting me in such a weird position of triangulation, and I tried not to engage and they got PISSED. I cried about it for 2 weeks this time, but just cannot find it in me to mend it anymore. I go through bouts of such sadness about it. I’ll be fine for a few days and then dwell on it. There is usually a trigger, and today its because there is a cultural event that IDK if they went to, but I pretty much decided to avoid it just in case. From what I gather, I’ve never been the sibling they wanted. They were always all about the popularity contest, and I’ve always been reserved and studious, and they don’t like that. They never did. And they love to tell people how they should be and how they should live their life, so I just decided to not mend it because maybe that’s it. I can’t waste my energy. I do counseling about it. I went to group classes about it. But it’s to the point where I am scared to hang out with a parent because they’ll get mad. I invited my mom over tomorrow, but I’m feeling incredibly anxious about it and feel like telling her never mind just because I don’t want to stir the pot. I mean, once when we were getting along, I asked my mom to get shoes and make-up with me and the sibling got SUPER weird and distrustful because we were gone for an hour. I didn’t know I was supposed to check in with my sibling… Sibling tries to own people and I used to not worry about it, but I also know that sibling no longer has any friends. I wonder why. They are jealous and possessive, and not to mention probably an alcoholic (I am 5 years sober, and I don’t think they like that I don’t party with them in THAT way, but I still made time).
Anyway, I basically organized my entire today around them. I might be at this cultural event had it not been for this blow up. Sibling has been pushing me away for a while. I guess oh well???
Having aging parents with some major conditions isn’t making it any easier. Both parents have asked me for support in certain ways that I’m sure would piss sibling off because they realize that they are not trust-worthy ($$). And, just moments like these when I get a little lonely or bored!
Anyway, sorry this was long, but it’s not easy and I get triggered by little things after a while. Have a great weekend and hope you are doing well.