Ever vacillate, guys; think about staying, instead of leaving? Every time I do there is another confirmation it's the wrong plan. : (
I've thought about that many times while trying to work it out. It wasn't healthy for me. I'd much rather live what I'm going through now than to trick myself into loving someone in which I don't. Just do what you think is right for you. If you can continue and accept and deal with it, then go for it. Only you know what's best for you.
@PatMill, yeah, I went thru this with my ex too. I tooled around with the idea of ending it for years before I finally left. And after I separated, I still stayed separated for three years before filing. In counseling I realized it was because I couldn’t face the fact that the dream had died. We were high school sweethearts, star crossed lovers, the whole nine yards before I had enough of his bee ess. So yeah. It was difficult. This time it is actually worse, IMO.
I just recently got myself out of limbo,,meaning I know I would never get back together with my husband, I told him I want the divorce to go through. He said terrible things to me for an hour on the phone,,he was awful and just took me back to where I was and I said I can't and won't subject myself to that...He doesn't deserve me,,,,the next night, he waited like 12 hours, he texted that he was sorry for being an a55.....I didn't even reply...I know for a fact that my life, although I am lonely at times , and I miss having companionship , would never get better with him,,,they don't change,,,,maybe a few do, but the person staying with them still suffers greatly,,,I don't have the personality for it....once you get out of limbo everything is different..and it was anger towards him being a jacka55 that got me out of limbo....
Scat, I think it is soooooo much better once you are out of the same dwelling with the spouse...leaving was the hardest part, because it was alot of work, selling stuff, packing stuff....but once you are away from the person causing you grief, it is just like you start breathing again,,,,you are able to relax...and little by little it gets better,,,and heres the thing,,,if you leave, and he decides to be a saint,,you can always start over,,,geet back together...who knows, maybe sainthood awaits him
@Ellen4550, unlikely because he already thinks he is a saint. Soooo, here’s what I’m up against, I’ve been crippled lately, have no way of moving myself, still waiting to sell the house. So I have to put on a face for the sake of going along to get along. I have no way of going back to the things I did for a living before because of my health, lack of vitality, frailty. Even if I take half or all the proceeds from the house sale (hope he don’t steal my half and doubt he’d give me his) it isn’t enough to buy any place and I have no way to get anyone to rent to me with no income or proof of a court order demanding he pay monthly alimony. Furthermore, I don’t want to rock the boat while living here because he may decide to balk on selling and I’d be forced to file while living here next to hostile neighbors that love him (flying monkeys) and all that would happen would be he can’t pay me alimony til we sell our house anyhow. So I concluded months ago, I’d have to get him to sell in order that he can afford to pay alimony because he can’t afford to pay me and our mortgage both. And with alimony I could not pay the mortgage here. So, I finally prayed him into selling. Dunno what comes next cuz 2night he told me to eff off after I noticed him flirting with a restaurant hostess when we were leaving my son’s birthday celebration.
@Ellen4550, no see that’s the thing, he normally pretends he doesn’t look at other women. But back before we moved and after I got cancer he was chatting other women up, the signs were all there and it was evident. It would take all day to explain the details. But there was enough circumstantial evidence he was flirting around with practically every woman in the town we lived in before and this town here. Since we decided to sell our house he’s been literally a saint. Now why would that be? Why is he suddenly kissing my arse and acting like he wants to stay with me and agreeing to sell our house and wanting us to relocate. He still wants us to stay together supposedly. But I cannot help but have the feeling he’s got something else up his sleeve. So I’m wondering is he trying to get all the proceeds from the sale of our house so he can be with his side piece?
@Ellen4550 Sure not a problem. She can give me foot rubs. So should I get to it and install those toilet paper holders?
@Ellen4550, @PatMill, why don't you two just finally meet. It's obvious you like each other. Why fight it?
@scat. I have these feelings but the other way. I'm staying but sometimes I have the urge to leave. I know it's difficult to know what the right decision is. Hugs to you.
@Merphurts You’re the best. Thank you. I do think your husband is trying and loves you from what you’ve shared. I know it’s hard to know though, because even if they do all the right stuff like your husband is, there is still the trust factor.
It never seems to go away. : (
@Scat I didn't have the opportunity to stay, he was the one leaving. Being on the other side of the coin, I wanted him to stay, but, he was dead set on leaving. I'm glad I didn't have the chance to change my mind because if it had been up to me, I might still be married and that would be horrible for me. It might be easier to stay, especially since so much of the near future is up in the air, but sometimes the easier road is not the right road. No matter what you decide, no matter what you do, I'll always be here for you. I would never question any decision you made for your life and I'll stand by you.
@GirlKitty, the fleeting urges disappear as quickly. I’m sure you can relate.
Scat I do sometimes regret that I didn't handle things differently. I regret not saying "It's OK" when he told me that it was. But it would have never worked out. He would have had everything the way he wanted and there would have been nothing for me. I couldn't have handled things differently because I didn't know what I was dealing with.
@mmadwaite, that’s how they roll, everything for them and nothing for us.
Other woman looking! Mine made it a point to tell me that he only did it because I was the most beautiful girl in the room. He would tell me that he had much better at home than the strippers he saw at the club with his friends. Guess what guys, I am even sexier than ANY Vegas dancer he saw when he took his man trips with his friends. Not to mention, his Dad's annual charity golf tournament. I was never EVER asked to attend but man could I have made money because the beer cart girls were uglier than sin. Plus, he never had time to teach me to golf after promising me for years..... I have to take his word for it because he never took me even if I was open minded enough to tell him that I thought it might be fun to go and see what all the fuss was about.
My former had a little roll of head fat above the back of his neck line that moved with his affirmative head nods and laugh. From the side, his ears would move up and down as he smiled or laughed really loud, his right eye had a slower blink than his left when he was over drunk. I know this because at EVERY one of the work parties we attended, he talked to the other female on his left. I am not jealous and I would try to lean forward or push my chair back so I could be included. Even if I was asked a question by the other female, he would answer for me. My phone rang one night at the comedy club. It was our youngest daughter. I excused myself, to go outside as it was a brick building - services was shi&&y, said it was our daughter, my husband's chair was on my coat and scarf, I tapped his shoulder and said that daughter was on the phone and he was on my jacket/scarf. He put his hand up and shushed me....I pushed his chair, ripped my scarf, RAN outside to make sure daughter was ok. He never followed. I went back in, he asked if things were good at home (Ashley had left the table to dance with her husband) and I asked if we could leave. God TEABERRY, he was just being friendly...he didn't know what was going on...
@TeaBerry2019, yeah, cuz it’s all about them, it’s all about them getting the attention they crave or fulfilling their addiction and we’re supposed to suck it up and live with it. Doesn’t matter that our lives stunk because of it. TOO BAD, I guess.
My therapist was very good in helping me realize I was much more happier and stress free without my ex. The longer I stay away, there’s bad days and moments but I know it’s much better than being with him for sure. Perhaps make pros/cons list of being with him and without him. Sometimes doing exercises like this can help you get together your thoughts
@Foundlove, a pros and cons list is a very good idea. I often do that for other decisions. Thank you for the idea. : )
Scat Me too. I know that I'm not ready to throw in the towel; age is just a number. Look at Trump and he is running the country. One thing I've learned in life is that usually it is the thing you least expect that will bite you in the butt. Also, many people seem to dwell on the future and the past while not focusing on the present. I'm very guilty of this. It really hurts the quality of your life.
I'm going to look into practicing some mindfulness to help me with this.