My boyfriend, my only support, doesn't understand lately that I am drowning. Suffocating. Everyday I am more exhausted, becoming too tired to fight the waves. He stays out, hanging out with his friends when I need him. He has his own stuff he wants to do and he can't really be there for me and do them at the same time. But he doesn't seem to understand that lately. I just don't know if I can get through it by myself right now. Everyday I fight all these urges to self harm. 2, I don't have to fight very hard because I have no money, and 1, I can only fight so I can keep saying I haven't done it in over 2 years. I know the second (if) I slip up I will deeply regret it. But is it worth it? Maybe if I slip up he will understand that I am in a very serious place. That's the complete wrong way to go about it though. I know this. But the temptation is so strong I can almost taste it, so to speak. He doesn't understand that everyday I have to fight to live. That I have to fight myself and my depression to stay alive. Lately it's an uphill battle. I don't have any friends I can turn too. I don't have any family who will understand or even know how to feel or act. I just have him and he isn't here.
hey, me as i am inside honey, we're here!!!! i love you honey so much, i can sssooo relate to your desperation at times. and whats so cool is that you put in in writng and get it out there rather than keep it in and simultaniously c ubust. oohhh proud of you honey for that and no self harm for 2 years oh yeah, yipee, horay....oo ooo ooo oo thats just great hun. although my ails differ from yours its the same emotions and my family as wonderful and supportive as they are just don't get it. and in my case i need to remember that they can only do so much for me and its hard for them to see me in such pain and they because of my illness are going thru a hell of their own that i do understand as i cared for my ill mom (long story). so hun we come here and share and we do understand and i'm sending you giant cyberhugs......
Sorry it took me so long, with all these giant mood swings and changes in the site it is really easy to loose track of things.
Thank you so much for your support and kind words. You guys are so nice and understanding, it really helps me to write knowing someone will read and relate. I find it very calming. I know exactly what you mean about supportive family not being able to understand. I know at times it can make me feel even more alone. I am sending you giant cyber hugs in return.
All of my Love,
M