@Gutentag1 Hi and thank you for your support and taking the time to share your insight. Sorry, but I’m going to ramble on a bit here Your response got me to do some good reflecting and I thank you for that:
I’m done giving people the opportunity of friendship for now and as I’ve just shared with HangingDragon, I’m the issue (not other people). I really believe I’m too boring and seen as a loser . . .so until I’m able to change those things, I’m not going to have people want to keep me in their lives.
I do agree with you that a few good friends are better than a whole bunch of friends . . . that aren’t really friends, and I actually do need to share that I’m lucky to have a sister and a cousin who are good to me (they’re stuck with me :P) . . . My sister just doesn’t have much time as her life is extremely busy and she lives in another state and my cousin has her own busy life and lives a good distance away, but she is there for me when things get really bad. So, full disclosure, I’ve got some people I just don’t get to even talk with much (maybe once a month).
I like the concept of having only friendly acquantances right now–there is little time and emotional and energy investment in them and when I put people in this Group I’ve become a lot better about not allowing myself to be taken advantage of.
Case in point: There is this woman I’ve known for years who I thought I had a friendship with. We spent a lot of time at work together and we were there for one another to vent and so on and i did personal art project favors for her. We didn’t really do much of anything outside of work together though other than the favors I did (I was a workaholic at the time and didn’t do much socializing during this period wtih anyone). When I did try to start setting up social events and include her in them or set up lunch dates and so on, it was hit or miss iwth her (usually she was unavailable). I figured she was just a busy mom. then there was this period of time that came up and she was suddenly calling me a lot and wanting to meet for lunch and stuff and she really leaned on me through a difficult period and I thought, oh how nice, we’re friends . . .
HA HA! >:[ I was Such a SUCKER. She eventually shared toward the end of that period (a few months) that she really appreciated me right now (then) because normally she would talk to her husband about all “this stuff” but he was under so much pressure at work she didn’t want him to even know she was going through what she was going through. And during that conversation I connected the dots and saw that her “situation” was going to be coming to an end in a week and her husband’s difficult situation would be coming to an end fairly soon as well and I wondered if I would hear from her again after that . . .
guess what? I ceased to exist and she suddenly became unavailable.
I’m known to be an excellent confidant. I’m a volt. Tell me something and stays with me and doesn’t get spread around. I’m known to be non-judgmental and an excellent listener. People tell me they feel safe with me. Also, if I’m not doing so great in life people aren’t ashamed to share what they’re going through when they are having difficulties. . . .OK, back to the story, so anyway, I demoted this woman (who is a good person, she’s not a bad person) to a friendly acquaintance. Now, if she reaches out to me I KNOW it’s only because she wants to use me for something no matter what she says and all of her compliments are just to trick me into thinking we have a friendship and while there is still a little bit of pang there, I am so much better about not giving away my friendship for free (that is not getting a friendship in return).
I’m actually really proud of myself as she just last week reached out to me and wanted to use me again for support (her husband is always unavailable at this time of year) and I was nice but I simply wasn’t going to be available for someone who isn’t available for me. Nope, she can’t keep using me and I didn’t lap up her attention like a needy puppy this time. She’s a good person, it just so happens I am seen as an easy emotional support source and I allowed myself to be used by her . . . so I’m just as much to blame for the unbalanced friendship. This is just one example of the kind of friendships I’ve experienced over the last few years.
I thought I was getting better at picking people and be careful that things were equal. Turns out I haven’t gotten better. So I’m putting myself in a friendship time out for a while. I’m a social person and love people, so i’m not saying I want nothing to do with people . . . I just don’t want to try to start any friendships right now.
When I feel I am valuable enough for friendship, maybe then I’ll be able to start friendships with people who won’t throw me away constantly.
I really can’t take being thrown away anymore.