Everyone leaves friendships with me eventually. I've been wo

Can any of you relate to this?
Everyone leaves friendships with me eventually. I've been working on new friendships and people are disappearing again. I've been attentive and supportive. . . Honestly, there are only two reasons for this happening (that I can come up with):

1) I am boring
2) I am a loser

I'm actually not being melodramatic about either of those two points. I am pretty boring--with everything I'm trying to fix in my life from work, to school, to my health (and I'm so of ten exhausted), I don't have the energy or creativity left over to come up with fun activities or interesting conversation.

The second point is a judgement based on all my losses over the last 6 or so years. I continued to sink lower financially, socially, and health wise. I'm not a good investment--I get it.

The thing is though . . . I invest time and emotion into others and to be just ghosted or "fired" from friendship isn't just depressing, it's another loss I cannot afford. I think I'm done for now with friendships. Don't really care now if I have invites or phone calls from people . . . I'm over it. They want me when I'm a listening ear and don't judge them at their worse or can do a solid favor for them, but as soon as their life improves I'm not good enough to be around or when the task is complete, they've disappeared . . .

. . . Actually, they haven't all been like that--ta couple of them gave me a chance but like I sad, all I can come with are the two reasons above and quite frankly, I don't blame 'them for eventual disinterest . . . It's a pretty reasonable response, actually. But I still can't afford the emotional losses right now. It's hard enough working against all my other failures.

So, from here on out ( for a while anyway) I'm only interested in friendly acquaintanceships. if I invest in anything emotionally or give that part of myself away, it's going to be to an organization--e.g. A volunteer job.

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I know that feeling very well. I've invested way more than I had to give and I've been at the point where I just don't have enough to give to keep trying to make things work with people. I've come to the conclusion of only having acquaintances a couple of years ago. Decided that I was going to stop putting so much effort into people who aren't willing to do the same or even appreciate what you're willing to do. I don't know if I can keep that up for long honestly. It's horribly lonely lol. I'm sorry. I don't really have any advise when it comes to this. I just wanted to say that you're not alone in feeling alone. I'm sorry people are the way they are.

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@HangingDragon Thank you for your support and kindness :slight_smile: I honestly think the problem is me and I’m just accepting that for right now, I need to accept this situation. I accept that I’m not able to be fun and interesting right now and until I accomplish a few things and put myself in a better position to show that I’m not continually slipping down several aspects of life, I’m just not going to be a desirable friend.

I need a social network though because I’m human and enjoy interacting with people and supporting people. I’m just not going to do it on an individual basis for now–the only people who have been open to this (growing friendship with me and accepting what I have to give) have been down as well and when they have “fixed” their life (e.g. secured a job, started a relationship, been accepted back into their former social circle, etc.) they dump me . . . I’m actually not criticizing them, nor do I really want to think negatively about this situation . . . I think humans are humans and the main driving force for all humans is survival which requires self interest (I mean, I haven’t behaved this way, but maybe it’s the normal way of behaving). Life isn’t fair; it just IS.

So . . . anyway, now that I think about it, my reflection here :slight_smile: has helped me lick my wounds from yet more social rejection and the loss of enjoyed new friendships and helped me realize that really what I need to be doing is taking my precious energy and time and whatever else I have to give and giving it to volunteer organizations. This way I get to feel like part of a community, there will be a constant steady flow of people who need support (I might do tutoring . . . food prep . . . etc.), I can’t be dumped, and at the very least what I’ll get in return is feeling like my time and skills are valued serving a larger community and I can put it on my resume.

I'm sorry that you are feeling alone. I would give everyone a chance but recognize the people who appreciate your efforts. The others will never end up being your friend! It is better to have a few good friends than many friends who are interested in only what you can do for them.

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@Gutentag1 Hi and thank you for your support and taking the time to share your insight. Sorry, but I’m going to ramble on a bit here :slight_smile: Your response got me to do some good reflecting and I thank you for that:

I’m done giving people the opportunity of friendship for now and as I’ve just shared with HangingDragon, I’m the issue (not other people). :slight_smile: I really believe I’m too boring and seen as a loser . . .so until I’m able to change those things, I’m not going to have people want to keep me in their lives.

I do agree with you that a few good friends are better than a whole bunch of friends . . . that aren’t really friends, and I actually do need to share that I’m lucky to have a sister and a cousin who are good to me (they’re stuck with me :P) . . . My sister just doesn’t have much time as her life is extremely busy and she lives in another state and my cousin has her own busy life and lives a good distance away, but she is there for me when things get really bad. So, full disclosure, I’ve got some people :slight_smile: I just don’t get to even talk with much (maybe once a month).

I like the concept of having only friendly acquantances right now–there is little time and emotional and energy investment in them and when I put people in this Group I’ve become a lot better about not allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

Case in point: There is this woman I’ve known for years who I thought I had a friendship with. We spent a lot of time at work together and we were there for one another to vent and so on and i did personal art project favors for her. We didn’t really do much of anything outside of work together though other than the favors I did (I was a workaholic at the time and didn’t do much socializing during this period wtih anyone). When I did try to start setting up social events and include her in them or set up lunch dates and so on, it was hit or miss iwth her (usually she was unavailable). I figured she was just a busy mom. then there was this period of time that came up and she was suddenly calling me a lot and wanting to meet for lunch and stuff and she really leaned on me through a difficult period and I thought, oh how nice, we’re friends . . .

HA HA! >:[ I was Such a SUCKER. She eventually shared toward the end of that period (a few months) that she really appreciated me right now (then) because normally she would talk to her husband about all “this stuff” but he was under so much pressure at work she didn’t want him to even know she was going through what she was going through. And during that conversation I connected the dots and saw that her “situation” was going to be coming to an end in a week and her husband’s difficult situation would be coming to an end fairly soon as well and I wondered if I would hear from her again after that . . .

guess what? I ceased to exist and she suddenly became unavailable.

I’m known to be an excellent confidant. I’m a volt. Tell me something and stays with me and doesn’t get spread around. I’m known to be non-judgmental and an excellent listener. People tell me they feel safe with me. Also, if I’m not doing so great in life people aren’t ashamed to share what they’re going through when they are having difficulties. . . .OK, back to the story, so anyway, I demoted this woman (who is a good person, she’s not a bad person) to a friendly acquaintance. Now, if she reaches out to me I KNOW it’s only because she wants to use me for something no matter what she says and all of her compliments are just to trick me into thinking we have a friendship and while there is still a little bit of pang there, I am so much better about not giving away my friendship for free (that is not getting a friendship in return).

I’m actually really proud of myself as she just last week reached out to me and wanted to use me again for support (her husband is always unavailable at this time of year) and I was nice but I simply wasn’t going to be available for someone who isn’t available for me. Nope, she can’t keep using me and I didn’t lap up her attention like a needy puppy this time. She’s a good person, it just so happens I am seen as an easy emotional support source and I allowed myself to be used by her . . . so I’m just as much to blame for the unbalanced friendship. This is just one example of the kind of friendships I’ve experienced over the last few years.

I thought I was getting better at picking people and be careful that things were equal. Turns out I haven’t gotten better. So I’m putting myself in a friendship time out for a while. I’m a social person and love people, so i’m not saying I want nothing to do with people . . . I just don’t want to try to start any friendships right now.

When I feel I am valuable enough for friendship, maybe then I’ll be able to start friendships with people who won’t throw me away constantly.

I really can’t take being thrown away anymore.

@ Enyi - I *soooooooooooo* get where you're coming from. I'm sorry it's happening to you. I think you are on the right track with volunteering - I'm just getting started with the Red Cross, so I hope that it will help. Do you have any family you can lean on? I'm not close with my parents or my brother, but my being around my kids, and THEIR activities, helps too.

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@BE69 :slight_smile: Thank you for the validation and support. :slight_smile: It’s good to hear you think this volunteering idea will be a good choice. I’m really motivated now and my schedule should very soon finally be one that will allow me to commit to a volunteer job.

Thankfully, I do have a sister and cousin I can talk to and I know they love me. They are just both very very busy with their own lives–and one lives in another state and the other a few towns over from mine. We talk every once in a while and they are a support (and I try to be there for them as well :slight_smile:

I’m glad you have your kids :slight_smile: From what I understand they’re a great source of joy for many people.

I am glad you have your family - even if they are busy with their own lives. If it weren't for my kids, I'm not sure what I'd do.

And, I know I haven't gotten fully into it yet, but I just don't think volunteering is a BAD thing. You are purposely and selflessly giving of yourself. Expecting nothing in return. Yes, it will look nice on a resume. BUT, more importantly, if you actually touch someone's life and make it BETTER?????? Holy Cow, I can't imagine a better pay off!!!!!!!

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@BE69 I 100% agree :slight_smile: !

I just read your response to @Gutentag1 - your situation sounds oh so familiar. You are ahead of me, tho - you realize and ARE ABLE to keep the "users" out of your life. YAY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure I could do that. I haven't had a friend of my own for almost two years (long story) and I think it might be difficult for me to stay objective right now. FWIW, my self-identified issues as to why people throw me away are that I'm a fairly negative person and don't do well with setting boundaries for myself. There are probably others, too, but those are likely the two biggest ones.

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@BE69 Well, it’s a work in progress :slight_smile: Also, I can relate to your self assessment of being negative. Because of my health issues, they come up in conversation . . . sometimes I bring it up (I’m working on that) and sometimes others do (well meaning questions) . . . but even if people are “thoughtfully” inquiring about my hair loss problem, the truth is, they don’t really want to hear I still have a problem or it’s getting worse.

Anyway, I’ve decided that if people ask very specific health issues questions (i.e. the hair loss or thyroid issue), I’ll just give a very general answer that pushes the topic off limits. From now on I’m going to say “I’m feeling great right now and life is good” and then switch the topic quickly.

This way I haven’t actually answered their question and I’m keeping it positive while telling the truth (often times in the moment at work or out and about town i do feel great [as in a state of mind] because of what I’m focusing on) and the fact is I do believe life is good in general . . . (irrelevant of me and my own current state). :stuck_out_tongue:

What are you doing for the Red Cross?

I'm going to be at their First Aid stations during different events around town and I have an appointment next week to see about getting involved in their Disaster Relief efforts. I'm looking forward to it - especially the disaster relief stuff. I have always seen myself doing something like that, and if I ever come across a family with young children where the parents are just stressed to the max, I think I'll be really good at taking charge of the kiddos and giving mom and dad a small break.

I think your approach to the questions you get is spot on. Answer honestly, but not fully - a polite "brush off" if you will. I think I tend to bring my woes on myself by talking too quickly about all the crap going on (hence the boundary comment) and that really puts off others. But then, if I'm totally aloof all the time, I could come across as stuck up, unapproachable, etc. So it's difficult for me to find the correct balance....

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I was like this for 41 years until I had two major lightbulb moments. I always could make friends, but what would happen is that eventually they would stop calling and inviting me to things. I would then play the tapes in my head; what did I say or do to offend them, they didn't like me anyway, they never liked me. I would then build a case against them and make myself the victim of them treating me so terrible (and truthfully there were a couple who truly were real jerks), but one day at group therapy the first lightbulb hit me: I was not being the friend that I wanted them to be to me - to them. I was just expecting them to be the friend I wanted them to be to me. I never realized this EVER in 41 years, and as soon as it hit me I went back through my friendships and realized the calls and invites stopped when I didn't hold up my end. They'd ask me to lunch, but I wouldn't reciprocate. Eventually, they would drop me (most likely assuming I wasn't interested in being their friend.) Then a couple weeks later lightbulb #2 hit me with great force and I had sadly learned this one the hard way SO many times over those 41 years. I was listening to one of the best audio books I have ever heard, "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown and she said something so powerful I nearly fell off my seat. She said this, "Only tell your story to the people who truly deserve to hear it. This is very important to remember; your story is a sacred part of who you are, and sharing it is a special part of who you are, don't share it with someone who is not worthy of hearing it." That got me right in my heart - tears streamed down my face, because so many people I had shared my story with and out of 20 maybe 2 were truly worthy. When I took this to heart and began to look at the people in my life I realized that I felt one was worthy, but I needed to be the friend to her I expected her to be to me, and I needed her to understand that if she wasn't interested in hearing my story and sharing hers than that was ok, we could be friends, just not the true friends I hoped we could be. Now, she is the only one (besides my husband) I truly can share my story with and I continue practicing (even though some days I want to lay in bed with the blankets over my head) being the friend she needs me to be for her. This may not be at all what is happening in your life Eyni, but it was so powerful in mine that If let like I needed to share. Friendship is one of the hardest relationships to make and to maintain, even those people who are surrounded by the biggest groups can be some of the loneliest people. They are just better at faking it. :)

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