Everything I touch I ruin

I've suffered from depression pretty much all of my life. Things certainly have not gotten better lately. In the last couple of years, my father was diagnosed with cancer, my grandmother became very ill, and I began drinking more. Once my dad was sick, I began binge drinking. I didn't drink that often, but sometimes when I did, I'd drink and drink and drink. Basically, either I'll be fine and just drink with others, or suddenly I'll binge and I will drink until either I run out, pass out, or someone sees what I'm doing and demands I stop.
Time went by and I very suddenly lost my father and grandmother died two months after that. I had been working on not binging and doing pretty well, but suddenly, I relapsed. And this last time, I took down someone else with me. Someone I love more than anything. Because of my binging recently, he is suffering. Not only emotionally, but legally. Because of my actions, I've basically ruined his whole life.
Not only am I afraid of what will happen to him and pray that everything will work out (because it was not his fault), I worry that this will destroy us. And I'm pretty positive of what would happen if that were to occur. I would have nothing left to live for. The only thing holding me back would be what it would do to my mother.
I don't know how to handle any of this, but I've decided not to drink. If I can constantly maintain control of myself and not binge, that'd be one thing. But until I'm sure of that, I can't risk it. As for the rest of the events taking place, only time will tell.

One step forward two back, it happens & you're here telling your story, excellant decision thats half the battle to finding out why we are doing what we're doing, one thing at a time good for you & at least you are owning up & being responsible for your actions, I'm proud of you, keep it up.

Take care of you.

April

Hi babygirlboots, I am glad to see you have chosen to not drink. Have you gone to any AA http://www.aa.org/ meetings? If you have not, then I suggest checking them out. There you will find people face to face who understand and will support you. Keep hanging in there and taking it one day at a time. Things will get better. Just for today - don't drink. Keep sharing with us. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

baby girl boots

first let me congratulate u on gettin this far, take a deep breath and give u a cuddle,

bluidkiti tells u about how to get help for your drink so have a look at it

april tells u about taking responsibility and that is a major step

and now me, well, i think u might have a residue of depression so why not get it checked out by the doc or see if u can do a bit of therapy to try and connect those feelings u felt about those deaths into something positive.

as for your relationship some relationships survive all things others fail at the first hurdle but u gf have to be the strong one leading the way. get the help u need come back and scream at us here not him at home, he has a lot to cope with right now, so support your man secure in the knowledge that we will support u as best we can, get that docs appointment go to the AA
and
most importantly of all

keep posting and chattin

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Thanks everyone for your comments.
Not drinking isn't very difficult. Of course at times, I'd like to, because that's where I'd go when stressed. And at the moment, I'm beyond stressed. Thoroughly depressed. But I really don't feel the urge to binge, let alone drink at all. That's a first. In fact, the idea of drinking makes my stomach turn.
One of the biggest hurdles with my relationship right now (besides the binging and license issue) is that we can't see each other. He can't get to a train to see me, and it wouldn't really be appropriate for me to go out where he lives at the moment.
I'm hoping things will work out, license or not. But I don't have any real distractions these days. He certainly doesn't either. Thankfully, so far he's been able to get rides to work and even his martial arts classes -- which were incredibly hard to get into and very beneficial -- so that's a small plus.

If you believe…read the Bible when u have an urge…

baby

im so glad u dont have the urge to drink :D

most of our postees seem to like exercise to help depression and therapy to get it all out in the open.

i think u can keep your relationship alive by writing letters or using the net if he has connection his end.

at the moment he is managing fine to get to work and his classes so how else can we help?

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

HI

THANKS FOR YOUR VALUABLE SHARING !!

MOST PEOPLE, INCLUDING ME, WHO HAVE BATTLED DEPRESSION FOR
A LONG TIME...EVENTUALLY DISCOVER DRINKING. IT PROVIDES AN
INSTANT BOOST IN SERATONIN AND PROVIDES ALOT OF COMFORT IN
HARD TIMES. HOWEVER, AS MOST KNOW, EVENTUALLY THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A PERSON AND THEIR DRINKING BECOMES A
PROBLEM AND ONCE THE AFFINTIY IS DEVELOPED, ESPECIALLY WHEN DEPRESSED, IT CAN RUIN RECOVERY AND CAUSE A MYRIAD OF
FAR REACHING PROBLEMS.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU IN CONQUERING THE ADVERSITY AT HAND.

DAVID SCOTT

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David, you hit the nail *right* on the head. Seriously. That's exactly how it began. Someday I hope things will change.

Drinking alcohol only makes the depression worse. Alcohol is a depressant. You can read more about that here:
http://depression.about.com/od/drugsalcohol/a/alcoholanddep.htm

If anyone is depressed, I suggest they avoid alcohol. Go see your doctor and/or counselor instead.

HI BABY BOOTS

I APPRECIATE YOUR NOTE ON MY POST.

AS MOST SEVERLY DEPRESSED PEOPLE KNOW...AVOIDING ALCOHOL
IS VITAL...YET THE PAIN FROM DEPRESSION CAN BECOME SO
UNBEARABLE THAT REFIEF...EVEN FROM THE WRONG FORM...IS NEEDED...TO GET FROM A TO B. WE WORK ON REDUCING THE AMOUNT OF SAUCE [ALCOHOL] THAT WE USE...WE MUST REDUCE...
DOWN AND DOWN TILL WE DO NOT USE IT ANYMORE...WE EVOLVE TO
A HIGHER STATE AND VIBRATION....WE DO RATIONALIZE OUR USE
OF SAUCE...WE DISTAIN IT TOTALLY...YET WE RECOGNIZE THAT
THERE IS ALMOST NO ONE WHO CAN GET THROUGH THE JUNGLE WITHOUT TRIPPING UP MANY, MANY TIMES...BUT WE DO NOT USE
THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO PARTAKE OF THE SAUCE...WE USE AND DEVELOP OUR INNER STRENGTH TO GET RID OF SAUCE OUT OF OUR
LIVES FOREVER....YOU CANNOT DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE....YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE PAIN.....KEEP WORKING AND
STEP BY STEP...THE BEST WAY I KNOW TO BEAT IT...IS THAT WHEN A BIG URGE COMES UP TO USE IT....DENY THAT....WORK
REAL HARD TO DENY IT....AND WHEN YOU BEAT THE URGE...YOU
GAIN ALOT OF STRENGHT AND THEN YOU DO THAT AGAIN FOR ANOTHER BIG URGE...AND KEEP DOING IT AND GRADUALLY YOU WILL GAINED ENOUGHT STRENGTH THAT WHEN YOU GET AN URGE, YOU CAN DENY IT WITHOUT A MOUNTAIN OF EFFORT. TRY THIS IT
ISN'T EASY...BUT IT WORKS...IT WORKS ON ANY ADDICTION.

IT IS SO VALUABLE TO BE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS AND BUILD A
BETTER LIFE FOR US ALL.......

DAVID SCOTT

//////////////

Very well said David Scott & SPOT ON Bliudkiti because the problems are still there the day after...... so listen up babygirlboots.

Take care

April

Hiya,

Yes I agree with all of the above and with long term depression as myself for most of my life nearly 20 years. We all turn to something out of desperation whether it be drugs, alcohol, self-harm. Anything that temporarily numbs the pain or gives you minutes or hours to just forget and not to have to think about all the bad things. But the nest day it is still there and even worse as all those that go up must come down except harder.

You are doing really well and should be proud of yourself or at least know that we are all proud of you. You are trying and have a want to change things in your life which is a great start. If you love each other truely you will get through this - I do believe though "That what will be will be" Your still together now although in a difficult situation and that says alot in its self!!

Perservere and stay strong, give yourself bitesize things to do, and take one day at a time - then daily try to reflect and give youself credit for all those tiny bite size things that you have accomplished. (not at what you haven't done) You will get there honest hun!

keep smiling - keep posting xxx

p.s

Although I'm not a big drinker I do have my moments. But I do understand as my mum, 2 aunties, 2 grandfathers are all alcoholics and it has been a part of my life from as long as I can remember xxx

GREAT NEW POSTS...WOW....

IN ALL THESE FORMS OF ADDICTION THAT WE ENCOUNTER...THE
FUNDAMENTAL COMMON THREAD IS NOT THE SUBSTANCE OR FORM OF
EXPERIENCE THAT WE TAKE IN....IT IS THE "ESCAPE" THAT THE
SUBSTANCE OR THE ACTING OUT EXPERIENCE PROVIDES FROM OUR
CURRENT WORLD OF EXISTENCE.

AND REALITY PROVIDES LOTS OF REASONS WHY WE WANT TO ESCAPE, WHEN WE KNOW THIS...WE HAVE MORE TOOLS TO DRAW UPON IN WINNING OVER OUR PROBLEMS....

I AM NEW TO THIS SUPPORTGROUPS.COM....BUT WHAT A GREAT FORUM AND SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE TO GET TO KNOW.
THANKS.

DAVID SCOTT

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Very well said david scott and oh so perfectly true. Its the tools that im just about to learn as going into CAT therapy with great optimism i must add and hopefully it will continue with DBT and I wont be cured as thats not possible but I will have the tools I need and the coping stratagies and be able to learn how to live with it in a much clearer and understanding better light.

OMG im so so glad of finding this support group it is just amazing and I hope that we can continue to grow and give awareness to others. I think it is a very good self helping tool - to be honest open and to associate to others that totally understand you and have real empathy and good positive thoughts and vibes. Its helped me loads and I hope that I can help others in the same way. Keep posting & smiling!!!!

GOOD MORNING ROXY

THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR WORDS !!!

I GET A SENSE OF TREMENDOUS GIVING FROM YOU AND I CAN TELL
THAT YOU ARE REALLY FACING YOUR PAIN IN A VERY STRONG WAY
EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY NOT FEEL STRONG. WE USUALLY NEVER DO.

DO SOMETHING HARD AND IT MAKES YOU STRONGER !!

KEEP SHARING AND GIVING AND THANKS SO MUCH, AGAIN.

DAVID SCOTT

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your all inspirational to me

i hope u keep posting and giving feed back to all who use the site

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Way to go David, thats it exactly, one needs to learn other forms of coping skills instead of self medicating w/whatever.

Take care

April

You truely are all such lovely people and I love reading your journals and writing our thoughts and sharing experiences and knowing that you really do understand how we are feeling! This site is one of the best things I have found and makes me smile everytime I hear from you all or write something new a sense of contentment and warm inside even if only just for a while!
Keep writing and sharing your thoughts loving thoughts are with you all xxxx