So I feel like I am mid binge right now... That's the thing, I feel like my bingeing is a slow sneak up on me kind of thing. I eat a little bit of food at a time, but two hours later I feel like I have cleared the entire kitchen out.
A side of this here, a cookie there, and before I know it I am boarder line crying because I want to go purge. Purging is like the restart button. Like when alcoholics wake up and say, this is going to be my last drink... I eat and say, if I could just purge one more time, I can start from scratch and have a clean slate. I'd be new and ready to fight the bulimia. I can't stand the thought of leaving the food in my system, because that would be awful. I just don't know how to stop the cycle. My therapist told me to keep a food journal, but I fear that this has only exacerbated the problem. Because I am so focused on what I eat I freak out and eat too much... Why can't I just eat like a normal person?
Sad face :-(
v.... wow! i totally hear you on this one. i keep a food journal to track what i'm taking in and feel so disappointed when i have "failed" during my day and gone off track. once i've fallen off i just keep going because i already want to purge so i might as well make the most of it..... this is a huge struggle.... how to stop when you know how easy it is to get rid of what you are wanting/already taking in?
ahh... to eat like a normal person and not care....
exactly! I feel like that's how my ED got started a few years ago... I remember eating way too much and feeling a little sick, so without thinking I just went to the bathroom and purged. What I remember the most is how easy it was... Im hoping today will be a better day. I am going to try writing down what I ate at the very end of the day, so I am not so focused on every single thing I put in my mouth the minute I put it in my mouth. It's another day, so hopefully it's a better one :-)
Thanks for you support J... I hope you are doing well today!!
Today was a much better day... I didn't keep the food journal, I just kind of logged things in my head. I didn't binge or purge today so let's hope this is day one of many :-) Thanks for checking in!
hey v.... i'm on day 4 of no b/p and i can't believe how great i feel today (let's hope it continues) i am constantly on the go so i do plan my meals every night and make them for the following day but i'm learning how to be ok with going off of my plans a little here and there.... it's kinda hard if i think about consuming more than what i have planned but i know i need to eat if i'm hungry and that if i choose healthy options, i'll be good!
That's great to hear! Congrats on day 4, thats a huge accomplishment!! It sounds like you are doing really well! Try not to feel bad about deviating from your plan here and there... as we know it's all about balance :-)
I am on day two of no B/P and holding strong. We can do it!!!
Hey V, how’s the rest of your week been? My day 4 turned out really bad… needless-to-say, I b/p and felt like crap but I’m back on track (hopefully) for this weekend… I just can’t figure out why I did it!
hey there again... hang in there. i feel the same way each time i eat a meal - -i think was it healthy enough, is my stomach over-stuffed, should i get rid of it, -- its awful. we've got to ban together and push through this. i just b/p unfortunately this evening. i've had a tough time even getting through 1 day these days. i know i've got to try hard.
thanks for posting again and will catch up with you soon.
I still feel a little lost... feeling out the balance between eating and being healthy and overeating and feeling like purging. I feel like I am starting to get a better feel for what a long road this is... but I just hate the in between. I feel like because the way we interpret food and eating is so different from the norm it is extra hard for us to find what is normal is. So I am here... still feeling it out. still feeling kinda crappy because I am not able to purge.... but everyday is just slightly better than the day before. I am afraid I will fall off my streak, but all I can do is stay positive. Thank you to all of you for your support... you have no idea how much of a difference you have all already made in this battle for me. Thank you to each of you.
xoxox
Tori.... it is such a hard line to fine... how do we eat, even just a little too much, and not get that intense urge to get rid of it? I know.... go for a walk, find something else to do, etc but mentally, that's what I struggle with. I wish I could just say no to myself and that would be enough. It's like a totally different mind taking over my rational thinking when I'm in by bulimic mind.
We can figure this out all together! We have got too!
Ugh, right now for me a good day would be any day I do not binge and feel sick, aka eat just 3 normal meals and remember what I ate and hopefully exercise. That rarely occurs though. It takes three weeks to start a new habit, and I do not know how to break the cycle.
jamie - i'm with you. its so easy to go off the deep end by eating just a teeny bit too much (or thinking that we do) EVEN when its healthy stuff. i haven't been able to find a resource to stop it.
feeling defeated.
best to you and all the members on the board,
caroline