Facing the Walls

Hello Support Family, :)

Many thoughts... Swirling... This has been an emotionally charged, draining week. I've run the gauntlet of feelings.

I had a couple of big AHA moments in therapy on Tuesday. I was trying to explain how I felt growing up... I shared a comment my dad made to me while helping me move into my apartment in Phoenix... He said that he hoped I'd get a boyfriend soon, because HE couldn't continue to help me. What I took from that, internalized, was this often repeated message of, 'You're not good enough, smart enough, capable enough to take care of yourself by yourself. You are **** lucky to have me because you'd fail on your own.' HOLY ****! I have spent my life trying to prove him wrong! Because, on some deep cellular level, I fear he's RIGHT... I have pushed everyone away... Refused help for college, choosing instead to live in low-income housing while working three jobs and going to night school. I only accepted their help, finally, when I began to realize that at that rate I'd lose credit hours before my degree was completed. Meanwhile, my sister, three years my junior, was approaching graduation... Oh, those feelings of being less than... They run DEEP... I feel ill-equiped for life. As though I really AM doomed to fail. I feel incapable of ever having an honest, intimate, TRUSTING relationship with a man. And I so WANT one...

I've also been visiting a LOT of doctors this week... My first week of "vacation" has been FILLED, every single day! I visited my psychiatrist again, and had my meds doubled. I met with my nutritionist for the first time. Had therapy. Went to the cardiologist for an EKG, hoping to be given the ALL-CLEAR for participation in my out-patient program. UGH... My EKG came back with abnormal heart rhythms. I was told 7 years ago by a cardiologist in Arizona that I have PSVT; unfortunately, he was unable to confirm the diagnosis. But he did tell me not to worry, because the condition, while irritating, is not dangerous. The cardiologist I saw this week could not identify the type of SVT I have, and he also worries that my "asthma coughing" during cardio exercise might ACTUALLY be my heart! :0/ So, instead of getting my quick and easy health-clearance, I am faced with appointments for an ECHO, a Stress Test, another visit with him to review the results, and a visit to a specialist in heart abnormalities.

I ended the week by meeting with the owner of my outpatient clinic this morning. He is an exercise physiologist and VERY knowledgeable! :) I learned SOOOO much! And had some good news! I am OFFICIALLY weight restored!!!!!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ He ran all kinds of tests, factored in my exercise and diet, had me breathe into a tube for 8 minutes which measured my carbon dioxide, calculated my rate of metabolism, calculated how many calories I need to maintain my weight, calculated my ten pound healthy weight range (which I am IN!!!), calculated my body fat, talked to me about genetics and heritability, etc., etc. I left this morning feeling REALLY GOOD! Relieved!! My metabolism has repaired itself. Jan has me eating the right number of calories. Once I am cleared by the cardiologist, I can safely add another class without affecting my weight. He was amazed by the fact that I never lost my period, since his calculations showed that I should have! I told him about my sister, who is my height and got down to an even lower weight, who never lost her period either. He said that genetically, somewhere in my ancestry, my family must have had to endure long periods of famine. Apparently some with that in their backgrounds have adapted to survive, and are able to menstruate at much lower body weights than most people. Huh!! The whole thing was really fascinating! :)

I also spoke with him about my financial worries... All of these EXPENSES!!! They're FREAKING ME OUT!!! I don't know HOW I'm going to pay for everything! He said he'll work with me on a discount, and will even help with communication with my insurance company if I need it. :) All these medical tests at the cardiologist... YIKES!!! :P I remembered today about these same feelings I had last year when faced with my neurologist's tests... SOOOO expensive! And yet, somehow, it worked out. Yes, I already have credit card debt. Yes, I will have to add to that. But I will be okay. It will be okay. It will. Somehow... I'm reminding myself of that, over and over... It will be okay...

I completed a couple of workshops for school this week, as well. I've been unable to exercise at ALL... Casper, my old cat, is peeing everywhere, and I worry that he's really going downhill. I'm freaking out about money. I'm concerned about my heart. So much STRESS... It has been wreaking havoc on my appetite. I've struggled to eat and follow my meal plan more this week than I have in MONTHS... I worry that a relapse is coming on. I'm trying to remind myself that I am okay. That I will be okay. That I'm a healthy weight. I do not need to worry about gaining any more weight! ♥ I need to hold on to what I'm doing, because it is WORKING. I NEED my therapy! I'm starting to break through some walls that were built so many years ago I can't even remember the construction date. I've been steadily adding to them for so long, it is hard to know how to live without them. And yet, I know that it is impossible to live WITH them.

Sending you all love! ♥ Feeling so many confusing emotions. Scared and stressed. Trying to remain calm. :)

Jen

Sweet friend....so much going on for you!! You WILL be okay, it will work out, but it's so hard to trust that when it's all hitting you at once. Please try to stay focused on the positive..and there is MUCH!
So many changes...school being over for the year, ending one therapy relationship (at least on hold), beginning with a new therapist, seeing the nutritionist, all the doctors and tests, plus the workshops...whew! No wonder you have felt a bit shaky about food!
Think about what the professional told you today..you don't have to deal with additional weight gain! You are eating an adequate number of calories, and it appears that your metabolism has healed! YAY! I know he was also encouraged that you are at such a great place to do the recovery work ahead..and you have already started on that. I can understand your concerns about your heart. You cannot do anything except find out what is going on (if anything), and deal with it. Your cat.....poor thing..you AND him!!
You have obviously proven your Dad to be wrong..you are quite capable of taking care of yourself, but that doesn't mean you don't want, need or deserve to be in a relationship and share your life with someone. Could you have handled a relationship before now? Did you even really want it before now? Your time is coming. Things are coming together for you. You have done a great job, and being patient is a constant necessity for the recovery process.
You will be okay! It will be okay!
I'm especially glad that you shared so well about what the owner told you about how and why people cope so differently. I was first told about the 'survival' adaptation a few years ago, and it really makes sense...and I think it helps people to not compare so much.
So....congratulations!! You have been working so hard for so many months, and I hope you can grasp this and pat yourself on the back, knowing that YOU are a great inspiration and you WILL complete your journey!!
HUGS...Jan

Jen: Congratulations on your wonderful and awe inspiring progress. And with that so many changes! YOu are on the road to a wonderful life with the man of your dreams who you would never have been ready for, or made yourself available to up until now. Now you can begin to live!
I am chasing after you trying to catch your tailwind... I think they call that drafting in the biking world. Either way I want to catch what you have!
Stay strong and embrace your new life!
Much love to you!!!

Jan and Molly,

Thank you for being such great, supportive friends. ♥ ♥ ♥

I appreciate the encouragement more than you know. :) Yes... Progress... Still not congratulation-worthy, but thanks for that. :) Congratulations make me nervous... Waiting for the other shoe to drop. To fail. To prove that the well-wishers were wrong to put their faith in me, even though I desperately WANT it... Tricky, tricky, tricky... ;0) I guess, for the same reasons, I don't really feel I HAVE proven my dad wrong... Because every day brings new opportunities to prove him RIGHT... To fail. The finances scare me because I'm afraid I'll get into a situation that would require me to ask my parents for help. And that would be my dad's proof that I really can't make it without him. :P Probably, that's more about him than it is about me... He never wanted kids, and really was only "there for us" financially. It seems it was all he had to give... Perhaps he said these things to me because if my sister and I did NOT need his money, he was afraid we wouldn't need HIM... Hmmm... That helps put things in some perspective... Anyway... My thoughts are all over the place this morning. ;0)

Sending you both lots of love! ♥

Jen

Jen

My dear friend as I was reading this I was thinking to myself You have come so far not just with your Ed... but just with yourself and as I read this I was thinking how in control you are.YOU are not a failure by all means you are strong ,smart ,courageous,an inspiration.
I have soo missed being on here and talking with you each day.
I am in my own recovery ..I am dealing better than I thought.My body is reacting to food in a good way NOT the way I had feared.They sure have checked you out well with this program ..sounds like you are in good hands.
I hope you can see yourself how far you have come from months ago.
I will share more with myself in a private message ..I just wanted to pop in and say HI from Grace!

Love ya!!

Grace! ♥ It's so good to hear from you, sweet friend!! :) I'm glad you're doing so WELL!!! :) I look forward to the day when we can finally meet! ♥

Love you!!

Jen

Hey Jen. i wont say congrats so as not to add to ur worries but i will say a Massive WELL DONE to acknowledge all the effort you have put into recovery in the past few months.work which you continue to invest time,money,energy into.u r pretty incredible.Regarding your dad,i feel that u don't need to prove your worth or anything else to him.u just need to focus on urself and the work u r doing.i get that things may be happening on a subconscious level so i am glad that u r continuing to discover what lies beneath....I wish u continued recovery,love,life and laughter.Thank u for sharing ur journey.xx

Sreb,

More than anything, I want this for you, too. ♥ You are so deserving, my friend! So worthy and capable!! I know you can't see that right now, but I know it's in you. You have an inner strength that has been beaten down by your ED, but it is still THERE. I hope that you will continue to try... Do not let the ED defeat you. Do not give up! There is HOPE! ♥ There is LIFE waiting for you! You are working so hard... Sometimes it can feel like all that effort is just wheels spinning in mud. You can't do it alone. And that's OKAY. :) It's okay to need others, to lean on others, to accept their help and support. I know it's terrifying to look inward at our ugly thoughts and murky secrets. At things we've been hiding even from ourselves, so focused were we on certain aspects that we missed the bigger picture... Grab a hand, Sreb! You CAN do this work! And you WILL be free! ♥

On a side note... Last night I went to the staff meeting at the Y. I saw people that I haven't worked with since last summer. When my ED was at its worst. I was asked point blank about why I'm not there as much, exercising as much. I explained that I was cutting back. I was asked, pointedly, if that was because a doctor had told me to!!! :0/ I ultimately nodded. Then several people that didn't even seem to be paying attention jumped into the conversation to tell me how GOOD I look! Wow... I felt the sincerity of their words and well wishes. And instead of listening to Ed as he reminded me of all that weight I have gained, I decided to remember the assessment I had done on Friday, to remember that I am healthy, and in no way fat. ♥ Baby steps... Hard stuff... DOABLE. :)

Wishing you much love and PEACE, dear friend!

Jen

Hey Jen.that is such a cool story.i smiled.it is gr8 that u put the right translation to their words.i am sure u look gr8.i saw sb i had not seen in ages and she told me i looked well.i thought to myself:if only she knew the truth.Never thought i would envy people who look healthy.I now know that it is a blessed thing to b at the right weight for you.Thank u 4 encouraging me.i really wish i believed ur words.i know i would say the same thing to a friend.unfortunately,my ed track record is dismal.i feel less turmoil about it all somedays.i am where i am.I love that u r seeing things in a whole new light. Thank you,Friend.xx

Sreb,

I don't know that it's necessary for you to believe me. :) But it is absolutely necessary for you to ACT as though you do. That's where the blind trust comes in. That's a choice you CAN make. ♥

And you know what? Those friends that honestly told me how good I look last night? That were apparently so concerned about me last summer? Those same friends last summer openly admired my work-outs! So... What is the truth? I think the admiration was less genuine last summer; the concern was real; those that care are often lost for words. They want to help, but they don't know how. I wish somehow that I could say the right thing to you... That I could somehow come up with the magic combination of words to make you choose to live! I can't do that... I can speak my truth. The rest is up to you, dear... I really, sincerely hope you'll choose well. ♥

Love you, friend!!

Jen

Jen,
Your share about the Y mtg. made me smile very BIG as well!! And to read your further thoughts about how last summer their comments came from now knowing how to say what they truly thought...it's often true, I believe, when people suspect problems, but don't know what to say or how to show support. I do think it's a sure sign of sincere support that they shared what they did yesterday. I'm sure they were concerned about you, but in that arena, how to address it? Or in any arena, for that matter.
What a wonderful revelation for you as well, to be able to speak your truth, without shame, and to be rewarded with sincere support!! Thank you for being YOU...you are a very special gift!! Jan ♥

Jen: People around you are saying you look great! Now do you think they would just say that???? To the outside world (and hopefully to you too!) you are blossoming into the beautiful intelligent wonderful person that the world has been missing all this time!
Much love to you as you continue to discover your new life!

wow --this is all great news jen!!!! im so sorry to hear about your heart---and what can the docs do about that??? hmm that is worrisome and i wish the best for you,and can relate....do you see a specialist for that???
im so happy you are doing well..

hey jen---can your metabolsim after anorexia be repaired??? can it heal??? i have such doubts that mine can... i keep fluctuating and not knowing what to do---i feel hopeless about it...i wonder if mine is just taking longer to heal--or maybe i need more calories--who knows???
my doctor said to be pateint and it will take time--im trying to heed her words....i did relapse not too long ago---( a month ago)and ever since then, my weight has been spiking up for no reason. i eat so well. i cant excercise any longer than im already doing--i dont want to push myself....

i just want to have faith my metabolism will repair itslef...i hope it will and your post gives me hope--that maybe one day , my metabolsim will repair itself...

sorry im rambling---im so proud of you!!!! very ---you are doing everything right...

ill pray for your heart!!!

love to you!

maureen

Jen, I know I am a little late on this post, and everyone else has pretty much already said everything on my heart to say! But I just want to also say that I am very proud of you and admire the progress that you have made. Things will be okay. You are strong, and I have always known you are very strong. Everyday may not be easy and there may be alot of times that things seem alot harder...but YOU WILL BEAT THIS and you ARE beating this. You are standing and fighting for yourself and I admire you so much for that. Hang in there and keep up the amazing work. I am praying that everything works out with the cardiologist and financially hun...I really am. God bless and hang in there! *Kasee*

Jan, Molly, Maureen, and Kasee,

I'm blushing! ♥ Gawrsh... ;0)

Maureen,

YES your metabolism CAN heal!! Mine HAS!! ♥ ♥ ♥ Hang in there... Consistency counts more than anything else, I think. :)

My heart... Well, the cardiologist I saw explained that depending on the type of SVT I have, they can do an ablation and likely correct it. UGH... They'd go up to my heart through a vein in my leg and zap the area where the electrical impulse is malfunctioning. (My lay-man's understanding.) ;0) I don't even want to think about that... Hopefully what he'll learn is the type of SVT, that it's not dangerous, that my cough really is asthma induced, and I can go about my merry way without surgery. ♥ That's my hope. :)

I'm more concerned about money right now than anything else... :P UGH... EDs were not meant for single teachers. :P

Love you all!! ♥

Jen

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