Faking it?

Hi, this is my first post here so be gentle. So uhm, well I dont know where to start, but eh I'll just go with whatever comes to mind first. It might be too long cuz I really need help right now, I dont trust my mom and I cant tell anyone else here at home.

Im 19 and a college student, it's already 11:54 pm here and I have finals tomorrow and that I havnt done some decent studying yet. Thing is, I seem to have spent most of my time escaping reality. I did try reading my book but there's just too much going on in my mind that I cant seem to concentrate, I thought of going to play some game or read some manga to clear my mind then go back to studying. But it had no effect, guess Ill be taking the test having studied nothing.

Okay enough of that, thing is, I've been skipping school for some time now and Im actually feeling a lot of guilt from that. The mere thought and fear of meeting my classmates haunts me, Im afraid they'd think of me as some sort of a delinquent.

Well it has to start from something. Once, I went for a haircut cuz I was told to by my professor, I told the lady to go for something natural or whatever it is that wont make me standout. Then my mom came, I just cant believe she followed me all the way here just to tell the lady what she wants for my hair, Im already in college cant she leave me alone? and well the lady cant object. With my mom being ignorant with what's happening in the world around her (like me, hence my vague request of the lady) cuz she grew up in the province and is also ignorant of this fact, and also with that selfish act of hers, was the cause of me looking like an elementary grade student as noted by the lady after the haircut. I was quite cool about it at first but got crazy at home. I locked myself inside the toilet for hours screaming at my mom not coming close so as not to be punched by me, and yes, I was more than ready and prepared enough to hit her in the face. Well I was so frustrated that I skipped the next day's school, spent my time playing then reflecting on myself after crying for some time. At school then, well I dont know but my female classmates seem to be picking on me indirectly or something cuz my hair really sucked. A lot of things actually happened concerning my mom, which lead to me hating her, but this is the most notable cuz I this is where I first went crazy.

Ok to sum it up, I get terrified whenever I get the attention of the people around me, simple things like failing to answer in a recitation or handing a test paper with a few blanks on it, even meeting gazes at some random people sends chills down my spine. Well Im terrified so much that I'd skip a day or even a few more just to recover. I'd spent my time in some internet shop 'til the end of school and it really haunts me, but I cant do anything about it. Sometimes I'd lie to my classmates for my absence or to my family, and I turned out to be great at deceiving people but I dont want that, I just had no choice, else I'd be labeled and that would really cripple me. I know my actions so far arent helping me at all and Im at a loss now, I actually do feel like skipping the test tomorrow (I've skipped the last 3 schooldays last week).

I've consulted a psychiatrist before and she said that Im suffering from depression and anxiety or something. I did some reading and I think I have some sort of a social phobia and a few more, though I've kept all these to myself until now. Even after that (the consultation), my mom still thinks these are all some ploy by me as excuse for my low grades, and I really do get the feeling that she doesnt believe the psychiatrist or isnt even moved by what's really going on with me. And now Im really afraid if what she's saying is actually the truth, that Im just subconsciously making these up cuz I've been lost for the past few years and its really affecting not only my grades but me, myself. I used to be a consistent honor student having a lot of friends, and now I've been secluding myself at home playing or loafing around and is scared of people.

I still have so much to tell but the tests are really bugging me, I guess it has to end here for now.

Dear Lyomi, I'm sorry your mom isn't getting it. Sounds like her heart is in the right place, just not able to show it appropriately. I think this is a common delima for moms. They get crazy when they feel you cutting the embiblical cord. As hard as it may be try to have patience with her. The other issue sounds like you may have social anxiety, exasberated by the stress of school pressure. I always had test anxiety which caused me to test lower than my actual ability. I think if you could convince your mom you could use counseling again you could benefit. There are all kinds of meds that releave anxiety which may get you back in the groove. Keep posting here and I'm sure one of the great people on this site will give you some beneficial advise. Best of luck on the test. Hugs, Raylene

I gave up on my mom a long time ago, I just cant trust her anymore. Like I said, a lot happened and she's still the way she was, nothing's changed about her, not being moved by any serious thing that's happened to me. Sometimes I feel like throwing myself away or something.

Lyomi, Please don't feel like giving up. Believe me you have a lot of life to live. I know once you get passed this bump in the road you'll see what I mean. Keep posting and you'll see how it will help. We are here for you to share your feelings. Hugs, Raylene

I use to have this problem when I was your age.

The condition you have is called agoraphobia. Agoraphobia may arise by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. Alternatively, social anxiety problems may also be an underlying cause. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia avoid public and/or unfamiliar places, especially large, open spaces such as shopping malls or airports where there are few places to hide. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to his or her home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this safe place. Although mostly thought to be a fear of public places, it is now believed that agoraphobia develops as a complication of panic attacks.

I got over it on my own after taking a home study course. You should keep talking to your counselor, and possibly if that does not work, consider some anti anxiety medication.

Yes, I do think its related to Agoraphobia or even Anthropophobia but I wasnt aware of the last time I had a panic attack or if ever I had one. I've also been thinking about home study but I dont think we could afford it. My family doesnt know Im going through this again (yes, again) and I dont really want to cause any more trouble to them bcuz of added financial problems, wish I could just disappear.

Lyomi,
Just one thought - I am guessing that your mother constantly tries to help you out when you are trying to make decisions, like a haircut or something.

I bet one step you could take is to make your own decisions here - for better or for worse, they will be your own decisions. Yes, you may have have selected a bad haircut, but that is a very important part of the learning process. If your mother is there to help, then you can't go through that learning process.

Also, a good way to get a haircut is to pick out a pic in a a magazine and show it to the hair stylist.

Good luck, Lyomi.
Hope your situation improves.

Don't say things like that Lyomi. You will get over this. Promise.
Is this your first year of collage?

This coarse I was telling you about worked for me. I have never had another problem with agoraphobia since!!!

I was looking online earlier and they are still selling the coarse. I took it 15 years ago. Unfortunately if you buy it new from The Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety it is $500 now (it was only like $100 when I got it). However, I found the exact same coarse on EBAY. It is called Attacking Anxiety and Depression. They have 12 of them rite now two or three are less then $50. They are used but it is a whole lot better then $500. I would send you my coarse but I lost two of the tapes. Yes, cassette tapes lol.
At least go to their website and check it out. There is a test on there you can take on the top rite that that evaluates you. Here is a link for them :

http://www.stresscenter.com/mwc/

I do hope you go to your exams today.

Feel free to keep in touch. I will be here.

Take care,
Ed

@masonb
Yes that's what I've been saying to her, to leave me alone. She wont, she's even more clingy to me than my younger brother. That haircut for instance, I went to the shop alone but she came along a few min later just to selfishly dictate to the lady what haircut I should get, not taking into consideration as to how I would feel about it even after telling her to leave my own hair business alone. She never listens, she's dead set on her ideas regardless of what others think.

@Ed
Well kind of, Im still in 1st year college but Im supposed to be 3rd year by now. I wasnt able to finish the last time cuz I totally stopped going to school being depressed/anxious and all that. That's when I consulted a psychiatrist and took the therapy, she said that I needed another year of rest but I wanted to coninue school so here I am. I guess her warning finally paid off.

I really appreciate your help Ed and Im checking that link as of now. Thanks a bunch!

Well, there will be other opportunities for you to make some decisions. Decisions appear in front of us anywhere. I might suggest not letting her know about an upcoming decision. I don't mean you have to cut her out. Just let her know, after you have already done something, that you have done it. One minor warning / caveat : Clearly, you should not do anything that is dangerous, illegal, or inappropriate. I just mean basic life decisions (which class to enroll in, which apartment to live in, which job to apply for, which TV to buy). You will look at your decision, for good or bad, and know that you did it on your own. This is why you are in college - to start to think more for yourself.

Good luck, your world is what you make it

HI lyomi,
I was just wondering how you are doing?

Ed

My chest feels a bit lighter now, but Im still feeling lost and confused. I think I got a little better, thx guys.

Lyomi, So glad to hear you feel a little better. I told you these guys were great and could help. Keep posting and sharing I think you'll see that it will continue to help you. Hugs, Raylene

Make sure to check in with us and let us know how you are doing, Lyomi.

Everyone is here to help.

With out knowing your mom, but knowing what all moms are like, I get some of your frustrations. Plus the fact not knowing more history about your mom and yours relatiosnhip. You are in college and well old enough to get your own hair cut how ever you want,as with the rest of your life. As for social phobias, you might be right withthe way you react to how people might be even looking at you. But this could also be a problem with in yourself. It is only an opinion and I am an open mouthed person that says what I think with out sugar coating much. Is it possible maybe either due to your past or something in your past that you are judgmental or judging yourself. SO when others look at you, or maybe they do not even look your way, but a group might be whispering or laughing that you might assume it is you they are "making fun of" whihc you may be so off. I say this due to my illness and once I found out I had schizophrenia, I felt like others would judge me, but the truth is I am my worst enemy, and judge myself more that others around me. Ok back to the phobia, I also think even though you say you feel bad for missing classes, not so sure of that any more. I am sure the first time maybe, and even maybe the second time. But as time goes on and this becomes easier for you to do you will do it more and more before you even think about it, it will be the norm. When you give up something the hardest time you do it is the first time, after that it gets easier and easier to do tell one day you do not even think twice about it. If you still are feeling bad, well then fight those feelings and go. Don't give a **** what others around you think about you, just be proud of yourslef for going and showing up to school even though so badly you wanted to ditch it. I was reading your post and thought you should be proud of the fact you still have it in you to go to college and you were not afraid to do it in the first place. I never could even do it int he first place. So right there some one like me looks at you and thinks hell she's got it made, I jsut hope she does not let an illness or her own mind tell her she can not face that. You should be proud you are going and keep it that way.

Van