I don't even know where to start. Sorry that I haven't been around lately, and I am severely sorry that I haven't been here to support you guys when you have needed me. I hope you are all well and that things are good with you guys. I don't know if I will be back around soon or not. I am in a funk.
It seems that everything in my world is falling apart, I can't seem to regain control of my ED, I am losing weight again, pushing my friends away, losing control of my emotions and my temper, holding onto my partner so tight I feel I may suffocate her, lying to her, telling her I'm FINE, which she knows by now is a lie. She has been here before. I am flirting with the line between skinny and sick. I feel so lost, I am 29, and I can't figure out where to begin finding my fight, finding the warrior I once found and I WANT HER BACK! I want my friends back, I want my joy back. I don't want to die. I know better, I effing know better, . How can I be so stupid to throw my life away over this. I feel so stupid...so so so stupid. I'm old enough to know better. I have lived with this disease long enough to know where I am headed. Just stop Sarah, but I also know enough to know that it is not that easy. Therapist Thursday...then next thursday, and the thursday after that. God, please help me.
oh, sarah im so sorry! i really am...i have been having the WORST 2 weeks of my life(well, almost) and i am so down, too. everything that could go wrong in the past two weeks, did. and i am just sad also, so i know how it is...
as far as getting over your ED, ummm yeah it is like a drug, so it is hard to quit on your own, and you really do need help --alot of help.
have you thought of treamtment? you are going to therapy-do you talk about this with her? have you told your loved one what is going on? have you told anyone other than here???
i know you know the dangers , so i feel like i dont need to preach about the fact it is very dangerous. it is hard when you know something is deadly but it is all you know. what you need is to find somehting else to give you that spark , or control, or find something worthwhile in your life to take the ED hold from you.
something to give your life MEANING. like, as for your life--what do YOU WANT?? (forget ED) i mean, really want???? out of life??? and we all know ED i going to destroy any dream and even hurt your life...
so, you need to get at the underlying reason WHY you are doing this, if you dont---then, you will be like covering a pimple and not getting to the core of the zit. ha, funny analogy but true. if you dont pop your pimple(ED) it will always come back....
so i wish you the best.
and by the way sarah jsut so your know --your post on ED truths/ lies has helped me more than anything and also many on here too. so thanks so much for that!
love
maureen
I just want to echo Maureen's advice about seeking treatment--I *highly* suggest that you do. Please take care of yourself before you spiral any further out of control! And as for that inner warrior, you'll find her again. You may need help to get there, but you will, I'm confident. :-) Also, please don't blame yourself for what's going on or beat yourself up over it! I know it's hard, but it's not your fault. It's ED's. You're not stupid, and don't let anyone tell you you are. Don't let guilt drag you down, but, if it helps you, use your anger about what's going on as a motivator. I'll be rooting for you!
Sarah I'm so sorry to hear all of this and I agree with Maureen and True about getting professional help. They will help you take the bigger steps you need to once they assess you and help you get closer to that warrior you know you have.
She's still there you know. She's just hiding in a corner because the battle is too intense right now she fears of being hurt. But please know that you will NOT get hurt. You'll find once you allow your warrior to take those few steps onto the battle field, an entire ARMY will come charging in behind you to help. Granted there will be some opponents that will give you more of a struggle than others but if you believe you will win then you WILL.
IT IS POSSIBLE! One day I know there will be nothing but the dead bodies (thoughts of ED) inside your mind, and you can just let them rot till they completely disappear.
Start by talking to your partner again and be honest. Tell her you want professional help, and maybe let her take the wheel from there. Put your trust in someone you love for you know you can fully trust them to do what's right.
I'm thinking of you,
Paige xoxo