Family issues are overwhelming me right now

I'm at my mom's house while my boyfriend is away. I really want to be at home but I'd started going crazy all by myself. What's really bothering me though is things are so messed up and getting worse in my family. First there was this mess with my uncle and his various girlfriends. They would decide he couldn't have any contact with us anymore and his most recent one acts like stirring the pot and pitting us against each other is a fun game. Long story short it's caused a lot of drama, all of my aunts are turning on one another. Around this time another uncle came home from a long absence. Everyone seems to look down on him, and with good reason I guess he drinks and does drugs and acts up but I feel like deep down he's a really good guy. Like he wants to have a 2nd chance and has grown up a bit but no one seems to see it. It seems like "Oh, it's just ____ who cares." He feels like everyone sees his kindness for weakness. And like I'm the only one he can even talk to. It's like they see his goofy nature for stupidity. And my aunt's husband died a year ago. They kept to themselves- ran their own small business together, had a house in another city, were each others' best friend... and now that he's gone- she is lost I guess. She has this whole new freedom and idk- it doesn't suit her. She has a selective reality. She thinks she knows everything and I think it's because she has lived in this safe little box so long and she doesn't realize that the real world doesn't work the same way. She is becoming selfish and very selective. She sees what she wants to see and shuts down when you don't agree with her. You either agree with her strong and often ignorant opinion or are an enemy. She also seems to enjoy stirring the pot and playing games... in a different way from my uncles gf though. Anyways I have more aunts and uncles with more problems but suffice to say it's like each one is against two others and I am so drained.

Thank you for reading so far I just needed to get that off my chest to give a little background before I say whats really the problem. Like I said, I am drained. My uncle who was away for awhile calls me sometimes to vent and confide and while I really care about him and want to do right I don't know if I am actually comfortable with this. Not with the situation because of him, but just being involved- saying too much about myself, giving the wrong impression with my poor choice of words, getting close to someone other than my boyfriend (I don't feel comfortable with anyone I am not physically comfortable with I don't know why)...

All this bullshit makes me so tired. I try to stay diplomatic and neutral but everyone has their own side. I can like someone alright and still be able to discuss their shortcomings for an hour even if someone needs to vent. I can see their point and the other persons point with equal ease and validity. But no one seems to understand that. Or understand that when I say something about myself it's just a fraction of the truth. Yes, I can talk to you about why I am upset about so and so- doesn't mean I am choosing sides or hate that person. Doesn't mean you have a right to tell anyone what I've told you in confidence or take what I say and twist it or use it as ammo.

I want us to be a family. I am not going to choose. We should support each other especially when someone is acting stupid- because usually that's when someone needs love the most and in most cases they will grow out of it and need to know they can come home. Yes there is a point when you say , "no I can't handle this anymore." But being passive aggressive and playing games isn't how to do it.

Another aunt busted into my mom's house over some BS my brother did months ago and flew off the handle. She humiliated herself and us with her poor conduct and even went so far as to say some mean things about my mom and us kids. I was so close to her until I started confiding in her about problems with my boyfriend but I've tried to patch things up with her. This really bothered me though and I have been avoiding her while I figure out how to handle my feelings. My Boyfriend says what happened is none of my business and I should leave it alone if I don't want to make things worse...I don't know. I just wish I could tell her it upset me but I really love her and want to things to be ok between us. Everyone has turned on her too because of the sides she has chosen.

I just don't know how to handle all of this. I feel like every time I open my mouth I just make things worse. Or give the wrong impression. Or give ammo they can use in my name even if it's just when they are drunk. I feel really lost and confused and a little overwhelmed. I'm almost 22 and this stuff makes me feel way over my head- I want to cover my head and shout, "I'm just a kid!!! Your supposed to know how to make it better yourself!!!" until it all goes away and we are happy again. I don't expect any advice or anything after this wammy of a post but if you've stuck it out this far with me I am so grateful. Thank you for just being there for me.

It seems like you're going through a lot of family drama. I can tell that you just wish your uncles and aunts could find stability and not take it out in front of you. You know what? I am proud of you for not giving up on your uncle. He seems like he needs all the support he can get. Don't quit. If you have a problem with one of your family members try to be alone with the person because if someone else is there, they make it their business, which it shouldnt be.

I’m sorry I never responded to your post. I felt so overwhelmed by everything I never realized I didn’t respond until tonight when I was going through posts. I just want you to know that your response really meant/means a lot to me. Especially because my post was really long. Thank you so much, I’ve been really trying for my uncle and everyone else and every time someone says something nasty I try to say something positive or understanding about the the person being talked about. Or at least mention there is too much negativity already so we should be positive. I hope it’s taking root. Anyways, I just wanted to thank you.

my dad had an uncle like that it sounds like... he was always unfavored and unappreciated because he had a drinking problem. one day he commited suicide but my dad always said he tried to respect him and tlk to him and keep him company as much as he could. sometimes family doesnt seem like family the way people argue all the time. but nothing is worse of the feeling when your family doesnt want you anymore so i am proud of you and respect you nd its really mature that yu realize he may being downgraded by others. i hope you can maybe sit and talk to him for awhile....to let him noe that you appreciate him and want him nd give him motivation to have another chance.
just dont do anything you cant handle. even tho sometimes i go beyond that point aha but sometimes its hard to change people nd some people just cant change easily. sorry im talking about myself a lot in this comment but i feel i can relate to you a lot but i have a boyfriend nd its not so much tht he causes problems its just that my dad hates him and my mom loves him. so my dads always is like" you go with your mothrer only to hangout with him!" its not true. its hard to make all people happy tho. i dont like choosing sides. and im their kid as well i feel like because they are my parents they should help me thru some ****. it seems you have a lot on your shoulders too...more than me. ...im able to see both sides of the story but they only see one story. its seems you are very mature and are able to realize things other people cant point out because they are too busy arguing. sorry if that sounds mean in respect to your family lol i dont want to judge.
im sorry about all the drama right now i wish everyone could get along in my family too having my parents divorced but i tried my best and i know you are trying too but i guess its not meant to be.
i hope me relating my stories to yours can help you a little bit
you will be in my prayers tonight:) God Bless
and i had no problem reading it...i hope any of this comment can help you a bit.
my heart goes out to you!

Hey I just want to really thank you. You did a great job supporting me. Empathy and relating to similar experiences is a big part of support I think. I warn you though, I should have been in bed an hour ago so I might not be at my responding best but I just wanted to get back to you sooner rather than later. It really means a lot that you would share your experiences with me and I am very sorry to hear about your uncle and also about your family troubles and the divorce. All of that can be pretty hard to deal with no matter how much bigger or smaller of a problem it might be. I’ve sat down to talk to him and I realize haven’t called him in a while and I really should. I bet it would make his day. And I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s feelings for your boyfriend. My family didn;t like mine for a long time and it was very hard on me. It’s a painful place to be. And don’t worry, I didn’t take it bad. I have felt that way too sometimes. Hopefully a little positive attitude from me can start to fix it. I hope things work out for you and I am here for you any time you want to talk or anything. I really relate to what you say. Again, thank you so much.

Goodnight for now,
Me

Hey :) Family problems are exhausting...it's no wonder you're feeling drained! It sounds like you're taking on the role of trying to be the only neutral support of everyone and taking it upon yourself to hold the family together. Although I think this is so big-hearted of you, it becomes a problem when you are feeling the way you are now; drained. I hate to be so blunt, and I don't want to seem like I don't care because my god I do, these are just things I have learned in going through the same, and things I have recently acted on with my family. It's not your responsibility to hold everyone together, and honestly, it isn't within your control. I know you just want your family to be intact and to love and accept each other, but you can't change them or the situations. Also, don't forget that they are much older and are family. Chances are they've been dealing with their problems this same exact way since before you were born. This is what they know and you're only going to wear yourself out more and more by attempting to change that. However, this isn't to be confused with sticking up for yourself! You have EVERY right to voice your own opinions of the things going on, or the people and behaviors themselves. If it's getting to be too much for you, you can say that! You are allowed to just say, you know what? This isn't something I want to be involved in. I love you all, and I'm here if I'm needed, but I won't be involved in the way you treat each other because I don't agree with it. You can carry on relationships individually with them or however you choose to do it that works best for you. There comes a time when it's not only ok, but encouraged to put yourself first. They may not be as affected as you are, or as you think they may be, by all of it, because again, it's normal for them.

As for getting close to your uncle and feeling a bit awkward or uncomfortable, I think I know what you mean. If I'm understanding it correctly, this is something I experience too. I guess all it comes down to, is that if it's not something you are comfortable with, for any reason, it's your right to disengage. Sometimes we have to accept that others' feelings may get hurt or they may get angry or whatever it is, but there's usually at least one downfall to every decision we make, but why should you have to be the one taking the fall every time? You shouldn't and you don't have to.

I recently reached the point after realizing all I just said to you, that I was able to act on it. I finally started standing up for myself to each of my family members and let them know what was ok with me, and what wasn't. I've stood my ground, as hard as it was, and accepted before-hand that I could possibly lose some relationships. I guess I just reached that point where the repercussions were worth it for me to start taking care of me. Anyway, once again I've written a novel. I hope at least one thing in here helped at least a little. I hope you're ok.

So, like usual, I just reread what I wrote and realized what I was trying to say and it could be summed up in one word; boundaries. I suck at creating them; knowing where they should be, how they should be implemented and so on. I've been told though that knowing your own boundaries and making them clear to those around you, is a big part of creating who you are. I haven't mastered it yet, but anyway...there it is. :) Sorry.