Family Member of an Anorexic Needs Help

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Please forgive me if my post seems to be a bit circular but my head is spinning and I cannot think straight so please bear with me.

I am the husband of an anorexic. My wife has lost focus on what is healthy and has begun her downward tailspin. I don't know what to do but am hesitant to do anything but suggest that she needs help for fear that it will give her power to do the opposite just to spite me. We have had some brief conversations about it where it ends up with a lot of deflection, avoidance, and reguritation of selected facts from various websites; the latest was when she told me that no one would diagnose her unless she was under ___ lbs. She is 5'1" and she knows I'm not stupid and knows that I have done plenty of my own research and should know that at that size, if she was at ___ lbs., she might be dead or close to it. Currently she is ___ lbs. and was about ___ just a few months ago. She has almost ALL of the other symptoms. I don't thiunk she is purging but I can't be certain. She does obsess over food, fat, and calories and has been known to skip meals entirely...sometimes for days.

The last conversation we had, which was liast night, I did most of the talking. I had to do that so that she knew what I knew and so that I could get my thoughts out without interruption. For some reason she does not want me to be involved, probably because she can't hide things as well...but I told her that I am committed to helping her and want to be a part of her treatment in whatever capacity she wanted. I should note that she acknowledges that she has a problem, just has done little to nothing to get help. I also told her that as long as I had assurance that she was and is getting help, that I was going to be part of that, even if just to be there. I told her that I didn't want her to share anything with me that she did not feel comfortable. I also told her that the moment she gave up, I would have no other choice but to leave because I did not have the strength to sit there and watch her kill herself. We have 3 children (2 of them girls). I know that anorexia is thought to be hereditary and at the very least can be learned. I cannot allow my children to watch this or learn it. I gave her a notebook and told her that she could use it to write down her thoughts; sort of like a diary I guess. I told her that I did not want to read it and that if she chooses, she can share any or all of it with me but it's her choice. I think doing this can be therapeudic and perhaps she can see the light be rereading her entries. I don't know what will happen with that but we'll see.

Am I wrong? For any of it? All of it? I don't know what to do or where to turn so I thought I would post this, if for nothing else but to get it out of my head. I thought I might be able to get some ideas from other family members or anorexics and/or recovering anorexics.....or to be PC, people with anorexia. I don't mean to offend anyone.

Thank you so much. I look forward to hearing any replies.

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You are never wrong for loving people in your life. You are never wrong for expressing concern or asking those you love to get help for their serious problems. The problem with anorexia is that your wife, in a sense, is not in control of her own brain. Having anorexia sometimes feels like there literally is someone else in your head making your decisions for you. And as much as that person wants to stop the behaviors, it literally feels like they cannot.

Educating yourself on anorexia was a great thing to do. The more you learn, the more you can understand how your wife might be feeling.

Anorexia, at its core, is about how we feel about ourselves, and we take out those feelings on ourselves in the form of starvation, obsession with weight, etc. Many anorexics struggle with feelings of love, self-worth, not feeling good enough, feeling incapable or unsuccessful just to name a few. The feelings are too much to handle, so we starve ourselves to starve away those feelings. If we can disconnect, isolate, deny our body what it needs, maybe those feelings will just stay away.... Some people with anorexia feel if they can achieve the "perfect body" they will find their happiness or feel "good enough" in some sense. Others maybe have had past sexual abuse and feel completely detached from their bodies, incapable of nurturing it and treating it with kindness. Regardless of the reasons behind the eating disorder, they are all very serious contributors to a very dangerous illness.

Your wife's reason for anorexia may be one of those things I mentioned, it may be several, or it may be none of them. It's vital that she start seeing a therapist, preferably one who specializes in eating disorders, immediately. The more she can talk about how she's feeling, the better. Even if it's all negative, acknowledging she is feeling something, anything, is a step in the right direction.

There is no right or wrong way to act around your wife because every person is different. Some people need to be encouraged to eat, others need to do it themselves. Some need constant talking, others prefer to journal. Just remember that there are going to be arguments, fights, she is going to most likely refuse help or be "iffy" about it.

What you can do is keep educating yourself and reach out for your own help (and help for your kids) during this hard time. I am not a parent so I don't know the best approach for talking to your kids, but kids ARE perceptive and they know something is wrong.

I think that's all for now. Best of luck to you. If you have any specific questions I'm happy to answer from my own experiences. Just send me a private message.

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hi

im so sorry that u are having to go thru this almost alone.

miss heather is quite right our daughter who had ocd quite mildly to start with got severe depression when she was carryin the child, leading to an ED.

we are educatin our grandchild that mummy has no happy blue smarties on depression days so she is sad

we have speedy red smarties for ocd days when mummy is superfast

and yellow for mummys bad tummy days

this is just a way of him at four making sense of it all and to be perfectly fair he has never bothered because its all so normal, if she eats a few peas at dinner he gives her a sticker like she gives him one for being a good boy

this was a silent disease that crept up wiht almost no warning and has such a huge impact but with meds and threapy she will get there

loving thoughts and positive vibes

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I agree with Miss Heather's post- eating disorders are very complicated and you will never be able to fully understand your wife's illness, but educating yourself as much as you can is always a good idea. As painful as it is, I'm not sure that your wife is ready to get help yet, but that does not mean that you should give up. Plenty of people with eating disorders take a while before they are ready and willing to change but once they do they go on to live full lives. Just keep supporting her without trying to control her (since anorexia not always but oftentimes has to do with control, trying to control her will only make her want to control her food even more). Good luck.