Fatherless

I don't really know how to start. I've never talked about this, not even to myself.
I am 19 years old and I just ended my relationship with my father. He and my mother got divorced when I was very young, so I don't remember anything at all. He used to hit mum, and he was cheating on her, and usually came drunk home...Mum divorced him and gave up all her rights so she could keep us, me and my three older brothers, he still kept coming to our house (I don't really remember all this, my brothers tell me stuff) cuz she didn't want her family to know that she got divorced, cuz they will be all over her, trying to help, and making her feel even worse, one night she decided to tell my grand ma, they were sitting in my room, I was supposed to be sleeping but I wasn't, and she told her that she got divorced, that was the first time I heard the news, I don't remember how I felt...
Then my dad got married...I over heard my mum telling her sisters who this woman is, and how they got married, so that was the first time I heard of this too...
My dad kept coming once in a while, once he brought his wife, and his new born kid...I don't remember how I felt, but my mum was trying to work things out because she wanted us to have a father...
Things didn't work out like she wanted them to, that other woman was really mean. A lot of things happened after this, mum tried to let me see my father, but it always ended up with a disaster.
A couple of years ago I started seeing my father on my own, I called him and he'd come see me, but our relationship was never like I've wanted it to be, he never contributed to my education fees nor any other aspect of my life, I used to make plans with him, but he never showed up, and I was told not to trust him, but I usually did and got disappointed after all.
The last time we met was on the 19th of june, we went to a reception in the Egyptian amb***y, he brought his wife, so I spent the night talking to people I knew, by the end of the night he was drunk, and started...being an *** I guess, hitting me in front of my friends, grabbing me from my dress, asking me to go to the bar with him because he wanted me to...In the car he almost hit someone, and he was saying all kind of stuff that just drove me crazy.
I got home after that night and he stood me up again, and travelled with his kids and wife, while I was waiting for him so we could travel together....
I sent him an E-mail....A really long E-mail saying that I don't wanna see him again...
He made me this person I am right now, I can't trust anybody, I don't have friends, cuz usually when they get too close I shut down, and drive them away, cuz I am so afraid of loosing them, and getting hurt.
I fell in love with the most beautiful guy inside and outside, and one day I stopped answering his calls and told him I want him out of my life...
I don't know how to deal with this, I wanna have a relationship with my father, but I know him sooo well, and I know I'm just gonna get hurt if I try to...I really don't know how to deal with this, I've decided to live without him, he wasn't even adding something to my life but misery and pain, but still, I don't know how to go on without him...
When someone talks to me about politics I just remember the times he used to go on and on about his work, and about his latest articl...When someone talks to me about history I remember him, how accurate he was on his information, exact dates exact places, never missed a thing...(an IQ of 240!! Of course he wouldn't miss a thing) When I study my math or my physics I remember how he explained to me the most contraversial theories in the world...Frensh English Arabic German Spanish Art Politics Numbers Traditions Countries and little things, everything reminds me of him...
No one will ever read all this, but well it feels good to write....

FatmaEl,

Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time with your father. It seems like you have tried to make the relationship work. Now that you are older I think it is ok to hold off from the relationship because it only seems one sided. But that doesn’t mean this is permanent. Maybe you two need this time apart so you don’t add misery in your life. And you can take this time to pray that your father gets better and maybe one day he will. If not you need to move forward and remember those good memories that you have.

The other good part is that you realize how it is affecting your other relationships, and only then can you move forward to fix that. Be aware of how you push people away and when that happens again try and be conscious to change that behavior. There are no guarantees in life, and you may get hurt in another relationship, but it is better to try than to be alone.

Good luck with moving forward and into a positive time in your life. Please let us know how you are doing, and you will always find people here to listen.

Wishing you all the best.

Just knowing that you read all the things I wrote gives me hope...
He absolutely holds me down, I'd be better of without him at least for now, pushing people away cost me great friends, and a great love, maybe now I can learn how o trust people.
Thank you very much, you don't know how it means to me that you read, and answered!

Of course! i think that is why we are all here, to listen and support one another through tough times.

I know that you will be strong and move forward from this. You will also have friends and love back in your life because you know what was holding you back. It will take time and work to learn to trust but you will get there. Stay strong! and please keep writing.

I am speechless, thank you very much for your support it means a lot.

FatmaEl, I'm glad I got to read your story & am hoping you can get help & guidance/support here from all of us that care for you & are thinking about you. It is better to give yourself alot of space right now from your father & maybe seek counseling if applicable or affordable so you will be capable of staying strong within yourself & get more understanding for yourself as to why hes doing what hes doing to himself & his family, that way YOU'll be very aware in the future if YOU decide to meet w/him again.

My heart goes out to you & sometimes great, strong, wonderful people come from a crappy parent.

Take care of you & stay safe.

April

1 Heart

Thank you very much April, I picked up the phone today and called him (hidden number) I was hoping that he'd answer and tell me he's sorry for everything he's done to me, before I even tell him who is it, I was hoping he'd finally understand the pain he was causing me, but he just didn't answer! I just hope I'll find the strenght to not call him again, I don't need more trouble in my life.
Actually I have trouble telling people about this, so couseling is a very far step for me right now, but I got to tell you guys my story, it's a first, but it really felt good!
I have a crappy father, but thank god I have the most wonderful mother that ever existed on this world (with her own flaws)!
And I got to get to know you guys (not really know, but we're getting there :) ) And it feels just like home :)

Stay strong FatmaEl. I know you really want to resolve the hurt with your father, but i think moving yourself forward is positive right now. And it is great news that you have a wonderful mom, and hopefully you can talk to her about this as well.

I agree with April, if you have a chance, and feel comfortable, think about talking to a counselor or therapist. They will be able to guide and help you a lot with this. Of course we are all here too!

Yes, I think so too, but like I said I do not talk to anyone about this, maybe somewhere along the way I'll be able to open up more about this, and I thank you very much for your support, it just means a lot.

I too wanted to believe, in looking back it was my denial stage & I didnt except what was happening & the way I was letting people treat me & the types of people that I surrounded myself with in life DUE to my past history, it took me years to learn, research, read alot of books & internet to help myself find answers & a better emotionally healthy way of BEING instead of placing myself in situations/relationships that we're destructive, depressing, ridden w/drama, hurt, pain & lots of UNANSWERED questions. Please take care of you & keep talking w/us.

April

1 Heart

April my favorite author once said "I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live" If we were born with the will and the strenght to get through life it would be pointless, I guess we all need to face somewhere along the way some obstacles, some of us more than others, but it's just the way it goes.
Life wouldn't be worth living if everything was easy, and living was just full of joy.
Being pushed down, hurt and looking for answers are the reasons why we keep living, why we keep fighting.

Very true & I like it, life would be boring if we were all the same & no answers to seek.

1 Heart

He is here!!!
My brother called him because he needed some help with his car, and when he told me I told him let me know when he comes cuz I don't wanna see him, I was sitting in the dinner room with my sister in law and the door rang, my brother was gonna get it, but I had this feeling, like when he used to come I always knew it was him, I had that same feeling, but instead of a little bit of joy, it was fear, I ran into the bathroom and I stayed there, I'm usually afraid of the dark, but this time I wasn't I was pretty much afraid of what's in the other side, where there's "supposedly" light, I stayed there, and when he went into the house, I ran into my room(which is next to the bathroom) and my brother came in knocking to take his keys so I went back to the bathroom and I think (i'm sure) he saw me, he is still downstairs looking to my brother's car, and I am sitting on the edge of my seat my heart's beating out of my chest just thinking about the fact that he could come back here again...
He is so cold, and so mean to come here, he could've waited outside, what was he hoping that I'd run towards him asking him to take me on his back (I used to do that sometimes, I don't know why, but well)
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do, my brother thinks it's silly but I just can't deal with him right now, I finally got him out of my life, he doesn't have the right to come back like this like nothing happened!
What am I supposed to do?!!

FatmaEl, i am sorry you had to go through that experience. Its hard to say what is right or wrong, but since everything is so fresh the best thing to do is what you feel is right and what you are comfortable with right now. If you are not comfortable in seeing your father right now then it is ok to hide in your room. there is no reason to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. One day there may be a point that you can see him and be cordial. But it seems like your feelings are still raw and it is ok to do what you feel will help you get through this situation right now.

FatmaEl,

I am sorry you are having a difficult relationship with your father. It is not right that he has made promises or appointments with you that he has not kept. Even at a young age of 19, it sounds like you know that his relationship with you is affecting your relationship with other people.

In another email, you said you made a phone call to him because you want to hear that he is sorry, but he didn't even pick up the phone.

When I read your posts, my first thought is I am sorry you are going through this, and my second is some advice: One caution for women who are ignored by their father, is that they seek out similar personal relationships. Please be aware of this possibility. Do not fall for the guy who mistreats you, ignores you, or abuses you because they are familiar to you. From my perspective, that's the one most important concern for you. I've seen this happen to a girl I know...a similar story. To this day, at age 29, she still cannot see this, and continues to have relationships with men who mistreat her, because that is all she knows.

FatmaEl, I wish you happiness, and resolution in the future.

Mason

1 Heart

FatmaEl.
I am sorry to hear abut the struggles with your father. I am sorry that he is so mean to you.

I agree that distance between you and your dad is your best option.

You have every right not to be mistreated by someone no matter who they are. Stand your ground!

I'm proud of you for keeping yourself protected & safe for now. When your ready, in your own time you'll do what is necessary for yourself & well being no doubt.

All my heart.

April

1 Heart

Thanks April, we'll see what's gonna happen with time.
Thank you very much.

FatmaEl, I am so very sorry for what you have gone through in the past with your father and what you are even dealing with now. I truly believe that you have been doing the right thing for now. Give yourself time to heal.

I believe that we can only control our own actions and not that of others. Focus on yourself, your actions and your life. He needs to work on himself, which hopefully he is doing or will do. Allow this time for peace, serenity and reflection. Try to let go of the anger and resentment towards your father and try to send him love and pray that he is a better man. Give it time, and when you are feeling more at peace with the situation on the whole, then you can re-visit the idea of developing a relationship with him.

I'm new to this site and I think the idea of having support groups is a positive start to changing lives for the better. I read your story FatmaEl and I can empathize with you. I grew up fatherless too but not exactly the same way. My dad was an alcoholic, cheated on my mom and was basically not an active part of my growing up. I had to kick my dad out of the house as a teenager because my mom never had the guts to do so. It was painful and traumatic for me because it made it really hard to trust men afterwards. Anyway, I think all problems can be overcomed with time. I suggest you try to forgive your parents for putting you through unpleasant events in your life and move on thinking that you can have a better chance at life and love. Because we all have the power to turn things around despite the past. I hope this helps somewhat and I wish you the best ! =)